Letter To An Old Friend

Dear Friend,

Boy have I been missing you! It feels like a lifetime has passed since I last saw or spoke to you. I know that there are circumstances that make communication with you a no-go at the moment, but it still doesn't mean that I do not miss you like crazy and think about you often. I do hope all is going well with you, and that you are getting back on track.

I can not tell you how many times I've gone to pick up the phone to ask if you want to go grab a drink, or if you want to go to the beach on Saturday, or to tell you the latest crazy thing my sister did, or to get your opinion on what he really meant when he said "......". I can feel a definite void in my life since you have took your leave. I know that both you and I have trouble really connecting to people, and I think that is what made our friendship so dear to me. I could count on you to help, to be a voice of reason, to make me laugh, to be adventurous, to be a friend. And, I miss all of that.

I miss being able to call you up and saying let's have a lazy day, and you would be game. I miss saying let's go on a road trip, and you would say what time? I appreciated so much you dealing with my crazy, at time selfish, overly anxious, and slightly uber critical person that I can become all too often. Life is just different without you around. Plain and simple. You are truly one of the best people I have ever known if my life, hands down!

I cannot help but to feel guilty about you. Was I there for you? Could I have done more? Should I have shown you some tough-love? Why didn't I see some warning signs earlier? Did you feel like I took people from you? If any of these things added any bit of pain to you, I am SO unbelievably sorry. The thought that I was not a good friend to you when you needed it the most it something that makes me feel sick. I have nothing else to say, but, I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Tell Me What You Hear

It has been a while since I have talked about music. I feel like oddly enough, since I have moved to NY, I have found myself in more and more musical ruts:( So far this summer I have been listening to more classics. I'll put Miles Davis or Edith Piaf at night, that mixed with the heat, and you have a good relaxing, breezy night:)

But here are some alternatives that I have also had on repeat:

Band of Skulls- Cold Flame- took me by surprise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyZJkkY8fsQ

Sam Cooke- Lovable- can't get enough of his "swag"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqkG41QeyzA

Bon Iver- Can't Make You Love Me (cover)- I fell in love with his version. He is a genius!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3VjaCy5gck

TV On The Radio- Keep Your Heart-"Outside ecstatic love, what did we think we'd find?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNETlb0MFN8

Incubus- Promises, Promises- he is SSSOOOOOO good looking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yExPBSDnbU8

Naked and Famous- Young Blood- sounds like summer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdO85Qf4Poc

Oh, Did You See That? The Game Just Changed!

So oddly enough, I am not freaking out. YAY!

Don't get it twisted, there are plenty of things happening that could easily send me over into an all out panic induced. stressed to the max, raging zombie.....but as of yet, the coast is clear, no scary monster on the horizon. All is safe:)

Here are some of the things I should/could be freaking out over, they are as follows:

1. My landlords are moving. It is still unknown if they are planning on selling the whole brownstone, or if they are just gonna rent out the bottom apartment. Until we know what their plans are, all of us tenants are in a bit of a limbo. And this move in happening in September, roughly 2 months away. Also, my part really depends on what my roommate decides she is going to do, since I am renting from her. So in the broadest possible terms, I could be homeless shortly. However, I am not freaking out. Honestly! I mean, I guess this isn't the first time that I have encountered a looming deadline to move. And I can't do anything to stop this from happening, right? I'm powerless, and not entirely hating it.
2. My sister is about to pop any day now, and I am roughly 5 states away. I was there for her every step of the way with her 1st pregnancy. We're talking, I was taking her pre-natal vitamins so my Mom would think she was taking them. I would go to the store and get her In-Touch magazines and bite size Snickers. I would stay up late nights when she couldn't sleep and watch movies with her. I would help her fight with the cat when she wanted to lay down on the couch. I even lent her my shoes and jacket when she was going to the hospital, which sad to say, never were returned to me because her water broke over EVERYTHING. Gross. This time around, it is so different. I haven't even seen her pregnant. And, I don't know when I'll be able to go home next to see the bambino. Again, I can't freak out yet, the baby hasn't even been born.
3. School is starting in a little over 2 weeks! And, as usual, I am barely prepared. I just found my letter last night. But, I am so excited. I cannot wait. I NEED it! At the same time, I know that I do not know what I'm about to get into. It's going to be a lot of work, and a lot of self-examination (frightening!)
4. This one ties into #3. School is two weeks long. Work has been amazing enough to give me the time off for it. That being said, in realist of terms that mean 2 whole weeks without being paid. And I live in New York City. It's not cheap. I will not be getting 2 weeks free of rent. So, it is going to be tight! But, my brain is not letting me dwell on that too much. I'm being as frugal as I can now, and I know Jah will provide the rest:)
5. My mother is a bit stressed out. And as I take on the role of her protector, I feel it is my responsibility to not let that happen. I am happy to report that this time around, even though I am concerned and of course care, I am not letting it affect my outlook at the moment.
6. I need to have a "real" conversation with someone. Don't misunderstand, I always try to be honest, and upfront with everyone. This time however it is.....delicate? Oh, I don't know. This one I have nervous belly. Actually this out of everything is probably what I am most nervous about. It figures, the one thing that isn't necessary is what my attention is on.

Quote

"A good friend is a connection to life-a tie to the past, a rode to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insace world." - Lois Wyse

1, 2, 3, 4........

There are few things that you can count on in life. But the few that you can, make me smile. Let's talk about my family. I can count on no matter what time I was ever coming home, my great ole Dad would always be waiting up for me, no matter what. You can count on him being in the La-Z-Y Boy with the TV on and the phone right next to him. And then, as if a reflex, he will tell you to lock the door behind you. Where ever I find myself in life, I can find comfort that if I called my Dad and said that I am on my way home, he will wait up for me. Thanks Dad!

I can count on that at least once through out the day, my roommate will use the expression, "not for nothing..." And to tell you the truth, I'm not 100% positive what that even means. Is it the same thing as saying "at least...."?

I can count on that when I ask Sergio how he is doing, he will say "good, good!". And Andreas will always want to know if I had a good weekend. And that every time Dixen calls he will mis-hear me and say " Hey Samantha, this is Dixen..."

I can count on that if I make the R train that comes to my stop at 8:06, it will be the train with the conductor who is so Brooklyn. "Stand clear of da closing doors, DeKalb next......Borough Hall...." And, I have a bit of a voice crush on him.

I can count on myself making myself look like a complete idiot in front of Jesus' (as in Jose', not Son of God). He is just so professional and straight laced all the time, and STRUCTURE. And I am loud, and distractable, and constantly bump into things. Why do you make me look like a fool??!?!

I will drop at least one thing every day. This fact however does NOT make me smile, it is irritating.

Houston, We Have A Problem

Some times, self awareness can be a terrible thing. I think I fall somewhere in the Animal Kingdom as a creature who enjoys attention more than affection. Oh boy, once that was said out loud it sounds horrendous! It makes me sound like a slut, which I assure you I AM NOT! Let me try to explain this quirk I have. Let me start off with the NO's. I do not try to draw all attention on to me. I dislike it when idiots think that woman were put on this earth just for you to ogle at. Which speaking of, what are the deal with guys in the summer? Girls (most anyways) wear what they do to try to stay as cool as possible, not to make you can cat call them or harass them when they are just trying to get groceries. And in these warmer months guys seem to forget that a woman is made up of more than just her butt. All there eye lines are just butts 24/7. Okay, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. So I repeat I do NOT try to get attention like that.

I also do not flirt it up with every guy I see. Okay, I'm gonna tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone else. Promise? I, Amanda Kula, do not know how to flirt. (gasp!) I also usually have no concept that someone is flirting with me. At least not in that moment. A lot of times that realization comes way later. So with that said, now you know that I do not have about 5 guys I'm stringing along. I have enough friends who either have done that, or are currently doing that.

However, I do like the idea of a mutual attraction to someone. Why can't it be as simple as he likes you, and you like him? Done! Okay, what am I trying to say here? Let me put it like this: When said boy starts to change up the game, and makes it more and more obvious that he is thinking about you differently, but never actually says it, that is the "attention time" I'm talking about. All that mysterious, nervous, giddy energy but yet and still there is that comfort level there, those moments can be addictive. All those times that you know he is trying to spend as much time as possible with you, and trying to get to know as much about you as he can, and starts talking to his buds about you, and maybe even asks some of your close friends for intel-all that attention can make a person feel.....special (for the lack of a better word), and I get all wrapped up in it. But, sad to say, more often then not, when they actually step up to the plate swinging, and put it out there, that is when I fully realize that I did not really like them as much as I thought. I like the idea of them. I like the attention. But the reality is something different. And that is when I feel like a monster. Proceed to hang hand and walk sadly away while Charlie Brown music is playing.

How can I change this? Oh if only I had a fairy godmother! What's a girl to do? My sincere apologies to anyone who I have hurt during a process like the above mentioned. What can I say? I am one messed up, twisted girl with repetitive tendencies. The sad part is that I know if the roles were reversed, I would be livid! Somethings have got to change round here! Summer is the time when you shed layers and feel a renewal right? Sounds like I have a new mission, and I choose to accept it!

Something To Ponder

You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect, you aren't either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you
every second of the day, but she will give you a part of
her that she knows you can break her heart.
So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze
and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she maked you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she's not there.

-Bob Marley.