A Rant and A Tangent for the Road

WARNING:I just awoke from a two and half hour angry nap. I have been trying extra hard to have a good day, but the universe is playing for pinks today! In the interest of full disclosure, Yes, I realize that there is a high probability of me taking back most of the things I say in this here post, at a later date when I am in a better mood and the sleep marks on my face go away. But for right now, this is how I see it.

This day needs to go back to Middle School and have the crap beat out of it from some freakishly big 12 year old that shows no mercy! Who does today think it's messing with!?!? Mama didn't raise no fool! I refuse, R-E-F-U-S-E, to let you get the best of me! But boy, do you have a lot of friends. Lots and lots of annoying, ugly, beefy friends.

Question, where did you meet the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wannabe that started my day of SO wrong this morning on the train? My guess is either at a plastic surgeon's waiting room where she awaited her appointment to get botox injected into her eyelids so as never to blink them again, or a sad, pathetic little lounge somewhere on the Upper East Side where she proceeded to get sloppy drunk off of Pinot Grigio. Either way, she was the worst. I cannot believe my worst "someone was staring at me the entire train ride" story is going to be about a seemingly normal looking woman, who after more consideration must have been heavily medicated OR mentally impotent. This woman straight stared for the whole 20 minute ride! And BONUS, was standing less than a foot away from me. Then, when I stared her down right back, it did not even seem to phase her. What is wrong with her? I should let you know, when I moved so as not to completely lose it, and I checked you hard on your left shoulder, that was on purpose. And that was minute compared to what I wanted to do. Let me give you a hint: digital orb extraction! When people stare, it does something to me that not a whole lot else does. It's like every sensor in my body flashes red with anger.

Oh, and your good 'ole pal the weather. What crawled up his butt and died? Does he suffer from long term memory loss? Or does he just not have a calendar? We are just a few days away from October, where we usually have crisp autumn days, where you can neither get too hot nor too cold. It is just right. So these two weeks of muggy, humid, 80 degree days where the sun never shines and the air is so thick and damp and there is a constant drizzle of rain like someone did not turn of the faucet completely-I have had enough of it! Especially because I held out to cut my bangs until the humid weather was done. So I did and the VERY next flippin' day you go all menopausal on me and decide to have another hot flash, that we all have to suffer along with you?!? You suck!

And your best friend, my job, what a absolute pleasure she is! Thine Enemy! Why can't she just leave it alone? Nothing needs to change. Keep it the same, everything is working fine. No need to get all temper mental. She changes her mood and her mind so much that we all suffer whiplash on a weekly basis. Look, I do not want more responsibility. I want to be able to peace out whenever I darn well feel like, without even a big deal needed. I do not want to invest anymore than I already have into this job. Because, after all, that is all she is, a job. Not my career. She is just a means to end at the moment. Not a lasting, loving relationship. And having to be there, the little that I am, forces me to deal with some of the most taxing type of people. These are the things that I am constantly shouting in my head when I am talking to some of them:

Temp: Speak up! YES! You can ask me a question, and you don't always have to ask if you can ask a question before you ask a question. AAAHHHHHHH!!!! And, FYI, it's Bergdorf Goodman, not Bengood Gillman. Idiot!

K: Shut up! Quit being so loud and obnoxious. Yes, we all see you. ALL the attention is on you. Happy? Oh, and bring me my Chobani! Who steals some one's yogurt. You freak! Oh, and answer your darn phone! Quit taking 3 hour naps at work! And bring your key, I am not opening the door for you anymore, especially because you have a bladder of an 89 year old woman who birthed 20 kids. Oh, and PS-your rude!

D: Go back upstairs! You are not that special. You are not Ramona Singer! Stop acting like it. And your not all that funny either. I laugh at you when your NOT trying to be funny, not the other way around, so don't get it twisted! Oh, and no one cares that you live in Queens!

C: Quit being nasty. No one wants to hear dirty stuff all day long. We all get it. You used to be heavier, now your skinny and a big flirt, congratulations to you.....(eye rolling sarcastically)

Food, my only friend in the world. How good you are to me! Your mac and cheese was just what I needed. And my Ben and Jerry's, the two men in the world who will NEVER let you down, was just heavenly. I vaguely remember myself being such a positive, happy girl. I don't get it. What happened? Now, the things I hear the most is "why are you so mean?" and "geez! what is that look for?" Listen people, I'm sorry! 96% of the time, I am NOT TRYING to be mean. But, have you ever stopped to think that when a person is trying to be good and nice but she keeps getting the "mean card" slapped in her face, that might, just might, effect her mood? You haven't? Jerks! The best I can give you right now is that I'm working on it. I am a constant work in progress. And you can ask anyone who I have hurt in the past, I am not too good for apologies.(also this little tidbit should go down on the pros side of the list of just how NOT mean I am. A mean person would never apologize. 'nuff said!) And as far as all the comments about by face. I can't believe I even have to explain this one. I'm sorry, but who loves hearing that there is something unpleasant about their face? Jerks! I am NOT giving a look, so apparently that is just how my face looks! Leave it alone! Quit bringing it up. And even IF I WAS giving a face, why would you want to push the issue. Wouldn't my look trigger something in that pea-size brain of yours to back up and run for cover? No? Idiot!

Also, major love to people who hand out unsolicited dating advice. Wow, you are a special brand of people aren't you? I particularly love when you use big words, and confusing little illustration to try to prove your moot point. So let me get this straight, according to you, I need to be the one trophy that makes him be like Yes! (???) Because the more numbers the higher the value? And I need to string along a bunch of guys because if they know other dudes are creeping in on their territory, their love will be much deeper and sincere? Really? Are you kidding me? Who asked you? Newsflash: I AM NOT DATING ANYONE! And even if I was, I still would not agree with a single thing you said. The cherry on top was when you told me that it's all my fault, my problem! Wow, what big balls we have! What exactly is my fault? The fact that I am not dating anyone? Yes, it IS my choice not to be in a relationship. My fault/my problem that crazies such as yourself give me the strangest "advice"? Nope! Wrong! Not my fault in the slightest. I did not ask for it. And, I'm sorry, "the more numbers the higher the value" What is that? If you have more of anything it makes it LESS special. That is why when something is RARE or ONE OF A KIND, it is held with such high regard and worth way more. Did you follow me on that one? No? Okay, well how bout you go find the rest of your crew and jump into the mystery machine to go save other people from irrational, and absurd trouble.

You will not win day! Just give up! Take out that little white flag of yours and wave it for all to see. Now I cannot think of a better way to celebrate my victory then having a nice glass of red wine. Even though I will have to use my Pyrex measuring cup because our 2 glasses are dirty, and I don't feel like washing dishes, and all the rest are already packed up. But I'm not ashamed, I STILL win!;)

Busted, Not Broken

Hey button faces, I hope all is well with all my adoring readers (:D) because sadly it is not so much smile times for me. It is about that time for an annual Kula family breakdown. Yay! With the main players, reprising their coveted roles, my unbelievably evil and chemically imbalanced sister, Sarah and my emotional mother. To say that the biggest mystery in life is trying to understand why Sarah has this inexplicable, blind, and vengeful hatred for my mother would be an understatement. She is sending all these tidal waves of pent up anger and unhappiness at full force to my mother, who has-on top of which-has had about 6 crap storms, one right after the other. The supporting roles are filled by my father: The Hermit. John: The Acting Strong One. Matt: The Most Irritating and Useless Living Thing On This Planet (I'd rather be related (by law!) to the Ebola virus, or termites, or a steaming pile of doo-doo!). Isabella: The Innocent Little Girl. Gabriella: The Newest Leverage in My Psychotic Sister's Mind.

Then there is me, 5 whole states away from this madness, but still feeling its effects. I laugh, because I have been wondering, "why is proving to be such a challenge to try to figure out when I can go home for a visit?" Ding-Ding-Ding! Because, you do not need to be involved in whatever is happening over at 520. Something bigger than you knows that stuff needs to be worked out over there and then you can go home. Knowing this helps, but only to an extent. It would help if I did not know them, but I do, I know them all too well. I can perfectly picture my father deep in hiding mood, my mother strung out completely and I can feel her heart tearing with each passing breath, Bella I can picture being fearful and so confused as to what is happening. And all of that is heart breaking for me.

It is taking so much of my strength not to get on a plane back home to go find that sister of mine in a dark alley and beat her to a pulp. Then, search for that useless brother in law and rip that precious Star Wars tatoo right off of his flesh! It is such a wonder how in the world these two twisted, sick, miserable people found each other. Combined and they are Satan in the flesh. And I really want to tell you something, but since you are not answering your phones (and besides that I should stay out of it) If you want to go a live a white-trash, Jerry Springer lifestyle, and getting the police called on you and your in laws at the Applebee's in Monroe, MI: then by all means, DO THAT! Just leave us out of it. Go do you, and leave us alone. And for goodness sakes, GET OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE!!!! And if you ever, EVER, threaten someone else in my family again, I will be on you so fast that people will think that you too got attacked by a drugged up chimp who proceeded to rip your face off! Got it?

Introducing Mr. Unexpected-Confident-And-At-Times-Shy-Interesting-And-All-Around-Confusing-And-Strange-And-Throughly-Frustrating

nervous belly

In the ever true words of Liz Lemon, "Blurg!"

Hey buster, I'm about done. Thanks to you I have officially become a crazy, neurotic (added to what already existed), completely confused, and unimaginably frustrated, pathetic girl! Are you happy with yourself?!!? I'm not like this, I don't know how to be "this girl". It is especially anger inducing when I see you and you appear to be all calm, cool, and collected-not having to suffer a single drop of our......well precisely! Whatever "we" are! While me on the other hand is practically on the verge of vomit about every 12 minutes. I hate to admit it, because it will make me appear to have lost all good sense and better judgment, and will pin the pink star of "typical, stereotype girl" on me, but, because you refuse to lay down some serious truths you make me resort to playing this all out in my head. Which, for your information, in case you care, is completely exhausting!

And just so you know, you are turning out to be one of the most frustrating, yet verbally matching individuals I have ever met! The thing that gets me is that you have the skills of saying things just the way they need to be said, when they need to be said, I've witnessed it. It's partly what makes you interesting. However, oh boy how big of a HOWEVER that is turning out to be! You've been having these moments of complete silence, all directed towards me! I don't get it! I mean, I can take a hint, alright so a guy suddenly stops talking to me, fine, you've lost interests, I get it. But, a ha! The always elusive, and honest, and mysterious and oh so powerful but....What was I saying? Oh yea, but, so you don't talk to me, but you continue to stare, and you get as close as possible to me and talk to EVERYONE around me, but will omit little ole me. But you will stare. Is this staring supposed to somehow magically get me under a spell to come up and do all the talking? If so, NOT WORKING! It's just pissing me off. I consider myself a rather exceptional conversationalist. So by you not talking to me, really hurts me feelings (the little that I have). When I catch you staring I am almost always on the verge of screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?"

There in lines the truth: What do you want from me? Can you honestly say that you have no feelings for me whatsoever? Why is it that you treat me differently than everyone else? I have a feeling that if I confront you, there is a possibility that you will try to back peddle of out it. I know that you are currently enjoying your singleness, as am I. I know you say that you freak out in relationships, as do I. But all that is dancing around the issue. Do you like me or not? It is possible to still like someone but not be ready for a relationship. Because, and here it is, if you can honestly tell me that you have no feelings for me, then I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Stop seeking me out at parties and talking to me forever. Stop making me laugh. Stop laughing at my jokes. Stop being able to keep up with me on a conversational level. Stop putting me in my place when I need it. Stop making me feel like a monster when I get a little upset with you, most of the time it is justifiable. Stop the needless always needing to take my hand. Stop saying things like "when are we gonna get to know each other" and "does that mean I'm not your favorite person anymore?" and "yea, I got your memo, I took it out of my back pocket and read it", I mean COME ON! And please stop the staring. Because, if you cannot handle to give me the decency of a few pure, raw, and honest sentences about your feelings, then you don't deserve to be able to do any of that stuff to me.

Now, if you would excuse me, I think it is about time to emotionally vomit, yet again!

Insane In This Here Membrane

GGGgggrrrrrr!

Frustration overload! SYSTEM MANUAL OVERDRIVE! SHUT DOWN! WARNING: if you are currently in a good mood, have a generally positive outlook, always freakishly happy, and can find the good in a pile of garbage, for your own well-being it may be wise to stop reading this now. Since I have nothing to hit, or shove, or kick unfathomably hard, I'm gonna get some of this aggression that is pressing in on me out right here, right now. And the following things irritate me:

1-People who swing their arms way too much while walking up crowded stairs

2-The noises that bananas make when being eaten

3-People who run their mouths about stuff they have no idea about

4-The funky smells of the subways

5-When its raining like a monsoon in NY, and the constant battle of the Umbrella Wars

6-When people "think" that they are being helpful, when if fact, they are doing just the opposite

7-When people say, "talk to me Goose"

8-When people ask you a question and then proceed to cut you off as soon as you start to answer

9-Really heavy breathers

10-Kids

11-The lady in Beacon's Closet who would NOT give up that dress that I wanted (and totally saw 1st!)

12-When people constantly pocket dial you, I wish my name didn't start with an "A" just for that reason

13-How disorganized bookstores are lately

14-The fact that I have to pay $90 for a little sticker to put on my license plate

15-Idiots who talk ridiculously loud at 3 am walking down my street

16-The constantly having to repeat myself

17-My bangs, I regret cutting them

18-People who stare

19-The struggle it takes for me to get a glass out of my darn cupboard (my roommate is tall)

20-The fact that now I have to be careful and not listen to my iPod on my way home so that it doesn't almost get stolen again

21-Two-faced individuals

22-People who tell you just to give up

23-The poodle a few doors down who barks EVERY TIME it is outside

23-Way too much cologne

24-Car horns/sirens

...and that is just to name a few.

"Why are you the way you are?..I hate so much about the things you choose to be."

People!

Seriously, what is wrong with them sometimes? Does anyone know? The rudeness level has been off the charts!

Let me break it down for you, in case you have not been brought up with manners, or have suddenly forgotten them (preferably by a severe blow to the head). It is NOT OK to take out your entire Von Trapp family out and take up EVERY inch of the sidewalk and to move at a glacier pace so that no one can get around you and your strollers and your myriads of children. I realize that it may be your familydayoutstopandsmelltherosesandenjoythebeautythatisnatureandhowwonderfulfamilyreallyis, but some of us are just trying to make it to work on time. It is also NOT OK to unleash the scariest, most irritating, rudest, scummiest, completely unlikeable version of yourself on me. Listen, I don't have control over your paycheck, I don't have control over when you will receive your 10-99, and I don't know who called you, if you give me one flippin moment I can find out, and no, I don't know where you are supposed to be and at what time, I mean COME ON!! (G.O.B.)

These next few are for the Jewish lawyers that work in my building. It is NOT OK to push people, ESPECIALLY pregnant women, out of the way to all shove yourselves into the elevators and then hurry and hit the DOOR CLOSE button so no one else can get on, doing that officially makes you a jerk. It is NOT OK to loiter outside of the women's bathroom to have all these conversations about who is getting married, and how your secretary is stupid. NEWS FLASH-you are outside a WOMEN'S restroom, chances are she or one of her friends are in there, idiot! And FYI-hanging outside a women's restroom, in case you never got the memo, is CREEPY! And, talking junk about your secretary, no matter her competence level is SO cliche and sexist. Congratulations you are all grade-A, prime: creepy, sexist, textbook jerks! Seriously guys, grow up and get out. No one thinks of you as special!

And this is a special note at the unbelievably strange girl who works on the 4th floor. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all about being an individual and being a little left of center. The problem occurs when they try in invade me with their craziness. I've got enough already, I don't need yours. What's that line from As Good As It Gets, "go sell crazy somewhere else, we are all stocked up here." I have had three encounters with you weird girl, and I'm done. The first time, the elevator stopped on the 4th floor and the doors opened, no one got on, so the doors closed, and then I heard, "oh!" so I hit the DOOR OPEN button (one of the biggest mistakes of my life). And in walks you, crazy, irritating, no fore warning that I'm about to make your brain hurt...you. If someone has there ear buds in, they are not wanting to have conversation, especially when the elevator ride will last a total of 10 seconds, can't really make a new best friend in that allotted time. And when you see me rushing to get out the doors don't stop me with your unreal large feet and oddly long arms and tap me on the shoulder to wave bye to me!! I don't know you! I don't want to wave bye to you! FREAK! And the second time, when you walked into the elevator like a cowboy and stood so annoyingly close to me, just so you know, I was maybe 2 breathes away from punching that stupid grin right off your stupid face. And then last week, when you came into the elevator doing ballet and singing.....I wanted to die. Why me? Why is it that no one else, ever, seems to be on the elevator to witness the strangeness that it you. Huh weird girl? Next time when I see we are stopping at the 4th floor, I will wait until you get your craziness on and hurry and jump off to avoid having to share the same space with you for 10 seconds. I hope you are happy.

And finally, to the creepy foreign guy on the R train this morning. It is NOT OK to stare at someone for the entire ride. NOT OK!!!