Ticketmaster: Thine Enemy!

Alright, the jig is up Ticketmaster! I am on to you! I'm sharper then Cheddar baby, you can't fool this!

In the most "matter of fact" terms, Ticketmaster is a slut! Oh how she entices you with some of your most beloved artist coming to a town near you and that she is the only thing between you and 500 other people singing the same sweet verse in sync like some powerful children's choir, just less creepy. And oh how simple and easy it "seems". Sssooooo user-friendly (sarcasm if you are that dense). All you need to do is log on at the appropriate date and time and click a few simple buttons and TA-DA, beautiful, coveted golden tickets to the show of your choosing. Right? Right?????

But, Ticketmaster, being the slut that she is, NEGLECTS to tell you that she had already sold a whole bunch of these tickets in a pre-sale. A pre-sale that she holds sacred for the maybe 23 people who have American Express cards. So secretive that you didn't even have a clue that this was happening just a few days, ney HOURS before she promised to give you those tickets that you want so desperately! * Either way, you feel like a fool. Stupidly smiling about your day, keeping an eye on the clock because you have a date with Ticketmaster which will inevitably lead to a second date to the Band of Horses show. You idiot! Wipe that pathetic grin off your face, hate to break it to you but you've been two-timed! Don't believe me? Go ahead, log on at 9am just like she told you to and see what happens when you ask for 2 tickets for the best available, and type in that super cryptic word sensor thing and see what her response will be. I'll wait. Oh, what's that? She cannot meet your request? Wha???? But how can that be? She promised! You my friend have been swindled by the ticket slut. Don't fall completely apart, we've all been there my friend.

But to forewarn you a big meanie named Stubhub is going to add insult to injury. BIG TIME. Apparently there are a whole bunch of losers (who may or may not have an American Express card*) who have nothing better to do with their time then buy up a bunch of tickets to events they have absolutely no intention of going to! Then, in their apparent desperation to make a quick dollar and to get their jollies from ripping off innocent people, they go to Stubhub and re-sell these tickets for astronomical amounts!!! So you wanted to see Jens Lekman for $30, now you will have to shell out $125 to see him. Moo-ha-ha! (their evil laugh) Such a jerk. Just throwing it in your face, that they had a little something-something on the side with Ticketmaster that you had no i-d-e-a about. This is what you get for only wanting to spend a few enchanting hours under the melodies and lyrics of Fleet Foxes.

So your going to go through a lot of emotions. Who can you trust? Is loyalty even a thing anymore? How can people be so cruel? Does "big business" even care about the "little guy"? You are going to feel deserted, and beaten up. But know that you are not alone. We've all missed our promised Santigold, Beyonce, Radiohead, and Florence + The Machine tickets, only to end up in despair. But justice will prevail! We can conquer Ticketmaster. Expose her for what she is. Who's with me???

*A note to American Express card holders, I have no beef with you. I think you are great. But it seems like the only super mega rich have AE cards. So it is safe to say I will never have one. But I love your commercials. Like the ones back in the day with Jerry Seinfeld. Good stuff. Hey, now that we are pals, if you do happen to buy tickets for the Death Cab for Cutie show coming up, can you keep me in mind? Thanks!

Birthday Suits and Hair Removal

So last night my roommate witnessed a full on nude lady walking the streets of Brooklyn. Butt naked! Well, completely naked except for the shoes she had on. Heels to be exact. She was seen walking across the intersection of Smith and Bergen, arm in arm with a fully clothed woman. And for whatever reason, I am so intrigued by this. I had so many questions that I desperately seem to need answers too. Who was this woman? Why was she naked? Where was she coming from? Where was she going? Who was the fully clothed lady? Was she crazy? What did her hair look like? Was she wearing jewelry? Did she have makeup on? To my despair, my roommate gave the "I don't know" answer to most of these questions. COME ON!!! You can't drop a bomb that you may or may not have had a run in with a nudist in New York City and not have any more details for me! Or at least elaborate and lie to me just for the heck of it! So for all my friends that I know want all the juicy facts, so we can later conspire as to what actually took place on a Wednesday evening, here they are:

There was a lady, in her 30's, dressed nicely, average prettiness, walking arm in arm with a lady in her 40's, who was naked in heels. The said nude person acted as if not a single thing was out of the ordinary. She was not talking loud, or drawing any more unnecessary attention to herself. She seemed unbelievably normal, besides the fact that she was wearing her birthday suit out and about. She was neither overly skinny, or fat by any means. My roommate caught the backside of her and said she looked pretty good considering her age. And for reasons I'm not even too sure of, this mysterious naked woman instantly became my idol! I mean, how can you not cheer for some naked 40ish year old woman walking the streets like she straight owns them! The confidence on her! Bravo, naked lady, BRAVO! I fear I maybe have one or two (maybe) more dimples on this backside of mine than what would merit a body deserving of showing off to to the Big Apple.

And this is just a side bar, but does anyone else get extremely angry or find it hysterical when you are getting your eyebrows done (either waxing or threading) and then they ask if you want your upper lip done too? What are you implying here? Are you saying that my upper lip is somewhat resembling that of a hipster wannabe? Wha?!?! Sometimes that comment ruins my day and other times it makes my day. But mostly I want to shout HECK NO you are not going to thread my peach fuzz!!!! I would rather have nails driven under my nail beds. A part of me thinks that my new naked idol friend would sit her cheeks in that chair and take it like a champ that she is......

An Affair to Remember

Confession: I have a love affair, every year. More precisely, every winter. For whatever reason, whenever this love of mine comes rolling back into my life, I easily get wrapped up in it. I can't help it, I. Am. Addicted. I can be going on with my life as normal, and then with just a sudden shift in the atmosphere and magically, once again, making an appearance in my life in all of it's white, glittery, goodness that is my love: SNOW!

Ever since I can remember, snow and I have had a thing going on. I feel as if I was born with some kind of snow radar. My body senses when snow is on it's way. I can count a handful of times when I have woken up in the middle of the night just knowing that it was here, and sure enough I would go to the window and see it in the midst of it's first glorious and beautiful fall of the year. Can anything be any more breathtaking than a midnight snow falling? I think not. It makes me so happy. I get angry when people complain about how much they hate snow. That is like saying how much you hate, puppies and their adorable little butts, or baby giggles, or if you are Kia-any baby animal in a diaper. Snow is wonderful, and amazing, not something deserving of hatred. And if you hate it so, why in the world do you live in an area that has it 3-5 months out of the year? You don't like it? Fine, you don't have to live here.

I am always so sad that snow does not immediately come on December 1st. But when it finally does, I feel as if it has arrived just for me:) It makes everything better. It blankets over all your worries, and concerns with it's wonderful fluffiness and assures you that all will be okay. It gives you a white, blank canvas to start over. I am in desperate need for my one true love to make it's way back into town and into my life, quick! I want to fall into it and be swept away the only way that snow can.

Exhaustion From the Depths (Or How a Non-Cryer Has Spent 2+ Weeks as a Weepy Mess)

Just as a side-note, the title of this post is not an over dramatization. I have quite literally, and pathetically (I might add), been on the edge of a sob storm at any moment of any day ever since I've gotten back from Michigan. And, I don't cry. Ever. To borrow a line from Julia Roberts, "I think there is a good possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up!" I have fallen into the deep pit that is my family and all of it's madness and antics and I haven't been able to escape back out of it. On one hand, it is not completely their fault. I am a big girl now, I can say no and yes, and can make decisions about my life all on my own. It's not as if someone has forced me to get involved in all the saga like plots that have fallen upon my familia. And no one else is controlling the way that I am choosing to deal with it. My state of being an emotional voided rebooting zombie robot who pushes people away is something that I came up with all on my lonesome. (proud smile) So DON'T try to copy it, I've got it Trademarked! So you will have to pay me handsomely if I find out that you are shadily stealing my coping mechanisms! Okay, so yea, yea. It's not COMPLETELY their fault. But in some ways it IS their fault. (John, if you are reading this, please stop right here. Know that I am not talking about you, just the two other grown ups and that crazy loon of a sister)

I have come to the conclusion that there are times when life is just so not fair. Now I'm NOT talking about when you want to throw yourself a good ole fashion pity party and have a big tantrum about how life is just so unfair to a little beautiful princess like you! (gag) However, I am referring to those crystal clear moments when the sun hits everything just right and for but an instant you see how blindingly unfair and complex life can be. So basically, to fill you in, I went back home, not for me, but for my family. I went there so I could, to quote my mother, "You need to come here to encourage your Dad, and John, and me! We NEED you here!" And so I went. I went to live up to the role I so stupidly assigned myself as The Protector. I went because my family seemed so desperate for me to be there. I went because this is what I do, Amanda goes and holds it together so everyone else can fall apart. I went because I am an idiot. The only reasons that I went for my own selfishness was to see my brother, and to go through all my crap that was still there. (Sidebar-I am happy to report that I officially have nothing left in Michigan!)

Being there, I got to witness first hand what an anxious ball of nerves my father has become. I have never seen him look so old before. He would sit in his chair with his jacket on, hat on, and shoes on-being fully ready to move into instant action IF the moment ever called for it. He would jump at the slightest noise, and scope out every car that would drive by. He would not just relax. The saddest thing about it all, my dad made zero time for me. And zero effort in even acting like he wanted to spend time with me. So my mother pleading that my father "needed me", a lie perhaps? Yes, he did the quintessential him, and drove me back and forth to my ride, but that was it really. Even when he 1st picked me up, we were in the car not even 5 minutes when the phone rings and he picks it up and proceeds to have like a 7 minute non important conversation, neglecting to tell his friend "Hey, Amanda just got in. I'll call you back." Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I get it, I know there is a lot of big, monumental things taking place in Monroe, but you haven't seen me since March, and you complain all the time about how much you "miss" me, and then I am finally right here, for you, and nothing. Even just sitting with you in the living room for those 12 minutes waiting for Mom, you did not have one single thing to say to me except, "I don't know sometimes, Amanda. I just don't know." Well, right back at you Pops! I don't know about you either. And that hurts.

Then there is the complex and fantasy living creature: my mother. Sometimes she has this special way about her that in a matter of moments she can go from the most dramatic to most level headed person in the world. My whole life I have been plagued with the feeling that no matter what I do, my mother will never be satisfied with it. She is un-satisfiable in so many ways. (I have a sneaking suspicion that at times.....I am like that also. Dang it!) She also has the skills to somehow twist and turn everything around, and make it about her. It truly is an art the way she does it. And you just know, right when you are in the middle of it, and you watch it all unfold in front of you in the beautifully tragic way. Somehow you saying, "I can't handle this because of X, Y, and Z" ends up with her in an emotional rant about all that she does and has done and how she is on her last nerve, and you feeling like a complete monster. The truth is, not EVERYTHING is about you. Have you ever really heard what I am trying to tell you? Do you ever just listen to what your children are saying? There are some truths at the heart of it that I think you need to hear.

I love my family. There is no denying that. We all collectively share one heartbeat. But I am angry at some of the things they choose to be and do. I dropped everything in New York to go home and hold my family's hand. Then when I return back to my life in the wake of all that has happened, and I don't know how to register all the things that I am feeling, who is here to hold my hand? Where are you guys when I need you? You were up my butt for like 2 weeks before I came, pressuring me to come, and now that I'm back home, nothing. Not a phone call, not a text, email, SOS, smoke signal, snail mail, carrier pigeon....nothing. The kicker is that I can't even be 100% honest with you, because if I was to tell you, "no, I'm not doing alright", you would not be able to handle it. I realize now that that is most likely the reason why you don't truly ask. You are afraid of what the answer might be. And how do we operate in a world where I do not have it together? I don't know. I've been struggling with that ever since I left. Guess what? I am not okay. I don't even know where to begin fully in all the things that are so NOT okay with my life currently. And the one people that I would like to count on right now, my family, I can't. See, life is so not fair. Hence, why when I start to feel like a confused mess of a stranger to myself, I push people away. I retreat.

When you get broken, it is easier to start seeing the cracks in the foundations all around you. I push because I am scared. I scared at what I may say or do that could potentially hurt you. But mainly, I'm scared that you could hurt me. Such is life to be let down by the ones you love the most. In my mind though, if I keep you at a safe distance, you can't let me down. You can't hurt me. It's funny, because by doing this, to keep hurt away from all players I might add, I still end up hurting people. So on top of everything else, I must now go around handing out apologies to people and promising soon I will be back to normal just to make them feel better, even though I myself don't even believe the words I just said. I am worried that some of the people I considered to be true friends, in it for the long haul, the thick of it, rain or shine or hurricane, no matter what-they are there. They might actually be more like fair weather friends. Only in the relationship when it is most convenient for them. But when you are bottomed out and beaten up and the ugliest version of yourself, they are no where to be found. I don't need people too often, so when I do and they are not there, it stings. Stings like acid in a deep gouge in my chest cavity. I guess pressure is good if for nothing else but showing people's true characteristics. Maybe I just have the habit though of expecting people to be someone that they simply aren't.

We Shed What Was Left of Our Summer Skin

Summer is almost over with. How sad is that? It seems to have rushed by so fast. You remember as a kid that you lazed around for all of June, and then July seemed like you if you were gonna go on vacation-that is when you went. And then before you even knew it, August was knocking at your door with September following closing behind, completely uninvited. And then the night before school was to start you were completely miserable and almost on the verge of a complete breakdown, trying to rationalize how on earth you could get out of this impending doom and make summer go on forever? Well that, my friends, does not go away when you get older.

Since by the world's standards, summer is officially over and done with once the ugly, stupid, annoying, and bed-wetter "cousin" of all other dates, the always dreaded Labor Day is upon us. It's only a few measly days away and I feel the impending weight of real life approaching. This can't happen! I have not done most of the things that I wanted to do with you summer! No! I will not let you leave! I love you. I need you! Doesn't that mean anything to you? I'll do anything! What do you want me to do? Grovel? I can do that. (on my knees, eyes filled slightly with tears, hands together, looking up...and let the pleading begin) Please, please, please do not leave me. My life is empty and uneventful when you are not here. I know I don't always treat you right, or respect you. But I can change. I can learn to love all that is you, including the intense heat, the humidity, the smell you give this city, and all the sweat. I am addicted to you. You give me a feeling that nothing else can. When you are around the air is different, its filled with sweet smells, laughter, grasshoppers, and the gentle swishing of bicylces rolling by. You make my world bright. Without you, I am in darkness! Doing certain things is not the same without you around. Going outside is a task. The park isn't fun anymore. The beach, oh the beach, that is "our" place, I don't dare go there without you. People always comment on how I'm "glowing" when you are in my life, and I know it is because of you. In short, I am the best version of myself with you. Please don't take that away from me!

However, in the event that Summer does decide to leave me. I feel that I need to prepare myself. I will miss the warmth that the air brings. The sweet breezes that come at night. The feeling of wearing the perfect summer dress. All the outdoor events. The relaxation that a day at the beach can give you, that nothing else on this planet can do, it is like free therapy. The joy that comes with eating an amazing meal (or even the summer essential that is chips, guacamole, and a margarita) on a patio or rooftop! When you are here, the whole city changes, its like you force everyone to take a deep breath and just relax. But this is how you have been my whole life. You come, and rock my world, and just when I completely loose myself in you, you decide to leave. I know Summer promises that he will return and bring all of you back with him. But, the thought of loosing all of you is too much! Please, try to convince him to stay. The world is a better place when Summer is around.

Really?!?! Wow!

What is the obsession with coming up with all these over-the-top elaborate lies? I think the human race is becoming dumber. If you don't want to do something, just say so. If you messed up, just man up to it. So much more work is involved when you go the other route. And BONUS! you look a big doof!

A co-worker recently put in her resignation. Fine. I get it. No need to explain. You are the 4th person to have that job in less than a year. No one is gonna scratch their head as to why you are leaving. It's more likely they would if you continued to stick around! So why not just make your peace and leave? Was it necessary to say that the reason for your departure was because you are going to Stanford for law school?!?! REALLY?!?! Stanford? Law School? Hhmmmmm. Let's break this lie down in about 2 minutes, shall we?

1. Stanford-As in: Ivy League. As in lots and lots of $$$$. As in one of the most difficult and challenging schools to get into to. I'm pretty sure this is the one thing that solidified that this was in fact a lie. How many people do you know that went to Stanford Law School? That ratio is low I believe.
2. Law School- As in: becoming a lawyer. Um, you get confused by the phone......so.......i'm guessing The BAR is not going to be a cake walk for you.
3. The timing- You put your two weeks in, taking you to about mid to late August. Fall semester starts in a little more than a week. Is that enough time for you to pack up your life in NY and move to California? How do you think Stanford Law School feels about tardiness or absence?

Seriously, when I heard this I laughed. Then when I heard you were "busted" for lying about all this, I laughed even harder. I mean, shame on them for believing you in the first place, but shame on you for even trying it! The cherry on the top is that our old office manager also used this "excuse" when she decided to leave. "I'm going back to school to get my Masters!" Really??!!? You? The idiot who can't figure out how to open a door, and who flunked out of Beauty School? Come on ladies! You are giving girls a bad rep for being the most obnoxious liars! And, for being dumb! And, as a fellow female, this reflects bad on me. The saddest part is, they sound so familiar to the plot of Legally Blonde, which is not a compliment, in case you were wondering.

Next time you want to quit, all you have to say is that I quit, I do not want to work here anymore, this job is not for me! That's it! Or be really truthful and say that you do not agree with how the business is ran. But whatever it is, do not speak of "higher education" as being the sole reason.

Also, if you call in sick Monday morning, do not lie about having food poisoning (for the 3rd time in 8 months) from the 2, 10 piece nuggets, 1 big mac, and 1 fish fillet you ate last night. Don't drag down the clean and pure name that is McDonalds! I mean I sure after ALL that food, you would be dead anyways. And I kinda don't believe you simply because you say you didn't get any fries. Who doesn't get fries? Liars, thats who! Just tell the truth, your calling in sick because you are hung over or you have "alcohol poisoning" if you are so inclined to be poisoned.

Am I Feeling Super-Duper, and Can You Tell I Am A Trooper?

Confession: I know that I originally started this blog for an easy, funny documentation of my life...but, as these months have passed since I have started it, I feel the strongest desire to express what is going on when I am stressed and frustrated. Which happens more often then I would like it to. But I've come to the conclusion that I will no longer wade in this limbo stage. I can't do it anymore. I used to have this strong craving for life, my life. Somewhere in between all the newness that my life contained, and the constant state of displacement and all the time spent unsettled, to now where I find myself slowing fading by this constant battle with things not turning out how I thought they would or should, and that oh so dangerous voice in the back of my mind that whispers in an unsettling way just when I think that I'm going to be alright and throws me into a state of complete, horrific panic with four simple words, are you really happy?

I know that life is not all peaches and cream all the time. I am not an idiot. But why is it that I have yet to learn to completely loose myself in the moments of absolute happiness when they do happen? Envelope myself in those times and carry them with me always. I am completely envious of those who know how to dust the dirt right off their shoulders and not carry the load of every trouble in their life on their shoulders. I fear that when some look at me, they see a train wreck waiting to happen. I know I wrote a user guidebook on how to deal with me. I have all these maps, and keys, and puzzles, to try to solve all my equations. I've built so many walls up all around me. And that has got me thinking, have I put them up to keep people out, or have I put them so that no one can discover me? Do I even know me?

There are things now that I am not satisfied with. Some of them, I have the power to change. Question is, what am I going to do? Am I going to wallow in self pity and doubt and not try to make things better? Or, am I going to make a game plan and put it into action? I'm tired, and feeling a bit lost, but I feel things are the times in life that most define a person and the direction that the rest of your life will take. I know that I do not want to be a miserable, negative person. I know where I do NOT want my life to end up. The quest now is to just figure out where I DO want my life to go. Anyone have a spark plug? I sure could use a little boost about now.

So, Um.....Yeah..

I feel like writing. But I don't know what to say exactly. Usually a loss of words is not a problem I have. It's not as if I have nothing to say, it's more like, where do I even begin? I feel like a game of racquetball is being played in my brain. Let me try a catch some of these thoughts and organize them.

Thought #1- I choose the wrong week to go on a cleanse. You know what? No! Reverse that. The Universe choose the wrong week to mess with me! In all honesty, the whole 5 days of just liquids only is not as difficult as I thought it would be. That gritty "herb" substance I'm having to drink every 3 hours might not taste the best, or smell the best, but it is doing it's job in keeping me feeling fed. But still, can anything really replace food? So it's not as if I am starving, but as a friend said who is also doing the cleanse, "your just lonely for food." I don't think I've ever dreamt of egg rolls, cupcakes, and vietnamese sandwiches so much before. Still, to have a full on crisis going down at work this week makes this all the more so frustrating. Have you ever been chewed out by a school secretary at 8:00 am? Have you ever had it happen 50 times in a row? I swear, you would of thought that I had cheated with their husbands or something horrendous like that. Listen MARY from PS-icouldcareless, I completely agree with you being upset, but I have no control or idea as to what is happening, so if you would calm down for just a minute I'll put you with someone who can help. Look, I haven't had any food in 4 days, and if you keep screaming at me I cannot be held responsible for the next words that come out of my mouth or that you may or may not be jumped in the parking lot!!! (oh! and BONUS: it's that time of the month, but I don't like to think that has anything to do with my severe mood swings)

Thought #2- I need a new job. I needed it yesterday.

Thought #3- Why do I have no shame in unleashing all my weird/awkward/strangeness on people? Seriously Amanda. You can't keep it together for 24 hours? It's almost like you HAVE to make a fool of yourself.

Thought #4- Maybe by some miracle I will get stuck in the train or an elevator and not be able to go to work. Oh please, please, please....

Thought #5- Why haven't you gotten back with me? (sigh) I'm not the best at waiting.

Thought #6- So much to do to get ready for my mother's visit. Oh boy. I can see all the lists building up.

Thought #7- Where should I move to next?

Thought #8- Should I color my hair red? Not likely a trashy red of course, but more of a rich, luscious tone. I'm gonna ponder on that one.

Thought #9- Currently listening to G Love. He makes me so happy:)

Thought #10- I miss having the male perspective of things. I never thought I would ever say this, but some of my guys friends growing up, looking back now, had some pretty good insight. So many guys now are so dull and lame, and you couldn't beat a personality out of them!

Thought #11- PLEASE let me have a good summer. Let it be fun. I need a good, fun summer.

Thought #12- I still cannot decide whether the Tom Selleck-esque mustache or the giant red bow tie is the best thing about Louie (the guy from the pizza place by my work) I'm leaning more towards the facial hair.

Thought #13- Is Aretha Franklin a liar? Has anyone ever really made someone feel like a natural woman? (currently listening to her, that is what prompted the thought) When I think of a natural woman, I think of it being unshaven and wild, haha......but that is just me.

Thought #14- Now listening to Jack Johnson. I know for a FACT he is not a liar. I hang on every word he has to say.

Thought #15- french fries

Thought #16- Am I all drama all the time? (please say no), but I have my suspicions that I am. Ug! Can't deal with that right now.

Train Observations

So when did authentic mullets become the latest trends for 14 year old boys? I saw a pack of them today in the station and couldn't help but stare and be disgusted all at the same time. And it's not as if they were related and their mother sat them down one night and did the same awful thing over and over again on their hair and the kitchen table. So strange!

The mad dash to get a seat always make me laugh.

I dislike electronic devices that try to be "books". There is a difference of actually holding a book, looking at the printed words, feeling the paper, turning pages, the way a good book gets a bit worn and aged because it has been held as something special. And so far, most people that have these electronic readers are usually rude. I mean, I'm just saying.

And while we are on that subject.....backpacks have become my new enemy. You know what you've done!!!

Wuthering Heights

"A charming introduction to a hermit's life"- Wuthering Heights

So I recently finished Emily Bronte's classic! It feels like an accomplishment. Well, I mean I finished this book, AND made Jesus' (as in kinda like Jose, not in Son of God) laugh, all in the same week. I'm knocking of things from my bucket list right and left! The beginning was tough, it's almost as if my brain was resisting the old language. Then, in the meat of it, in a word: consuming. I could not get enough! I decided to share some of the best passages (I thought anyways) with you! Yes, you!

"A half-civilized ferocity lurked yet in the depressed brows and eyes full of black fire, but it was subdued; and his manner was even dignified: quite divested of roughness, though too stern for grace." This was an description of Heathcliff after his return. Spot on, I may add.

"He took a seat opposite Catherine, who kept her gaze fixed on him as if she feared he would vanish were she to remove it. He did not raise his to her often: a quick glance now and then sufficed; but it flashed back, each time more confidently, the undisguised delight he drank from hers." Was it real love between them or all just a game?

"Your presence is a moral poison that would contaminate the most virtuous: for that cause, and to prevent worse consequences, I shall deny you hereafter admission into this house, and give notice now that I require your instant departure." Mr. Linton, them sound like fighting words...

"Cathy, this lamb of yours threatens like a bull!....I'm mortally sorry that you are not worth knocking down!" Heathcliff's response

"Any yet, you have no scruples in completely ruining all hopes of her perfect restoration, by thrusting yourself into her remembrance now, when she has nearly forgotten you." Nelly doesn't approve of Heathcliff coming to see Cathy

"You know as well as I do, that for every thought she spends on Linton she spends a thousand on me!...Two words would comprehend my future-death and hell: existence, after losing her; would be hell...If he loved with all the powers of his puny being, he couldn't love as much in eighty years as I could in a day." Heathcliff will not back down. Talk about stand by man!

"..he found it out ere I could reach the door; and in a stride or two was at her side, and had her grasped in his arms." He wouldn't let her fall.

"Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? You loved me-then what right had you to leave me? I have not broken your heart-you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. What kind of living will it be when you-oh, God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave?" Last words.

"Be with me always-do not leave me in this abyss where I cannot find you! I cannot live without my life!"

"I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death, and flung it back to me."

"Heathcliff, if I were you, I'd go stretch myself over her grave and die like a faithful dog. The world is surely not worth living in now is it? You had distinctly impressed on me the idea that Catherine was the whole joy of your life: I can't imagine how you think of surviving her loss!" Ouch! Be nice, his one and only love just died.

"And, perhaps, not quite awake to what he did, but attracted like a child to a candle, at last he proceeded from staring to touching; he put out his hand and stroked one curl, as gently as if it were a bird." Awwwww, how cute!

"..and the more hurt she gets, the more venomous she grows."

"But I've most of them written on my brain and printed in my heart, and you cannot deprive me of those!" No, you can't take that away from me!

"In every cloud, in every tree-filling the air at night, and caught be glimpses in every subject by day-I am surrounded by her image! The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that I have lost her! I have to remind myself to breathe-almost to remind my heart to beat!" To suffer a great lost, it changes a person.

It was a good book. It was sad, funny, romantic, scary in some parts. And it just reaffirmed that I am NOT into weak men. Like Linton, he annoyed me to no end! Man up! I would much more likely go for a Heathcliff, even with all that darkness he carried around, simply cause I love that he showed his ugly!

Beginner, Level 1. Don't Laugh!

So Debi says I should try free-style writing. I mean, I bust a mad-sick rhyme out ALL THE TIME! So this shouldn't be too hard. I hope. So here it goes, for 10 minutes, whatever goes out of my fingertips is what you get!

Saturday was fun. I love not having to wake up to an alarm. I also love laughing pretty much all day long. When we were doing the inner dialogue to those guys sitting on the rocks, my stomach hurt it was so funny. Then I thought, this is exactly what my mom says not to do, two girls should not be drawing attention to themselves! Oh mother, if you only knew the stupid things I amuse myself with.

phone....

Question, if you are hired as an interpreter, you'd think that a MUST would be that you have to speak English as well.....I get so frustrated trying to understand some of these people! And just as a side note, talking louder does NOT mean I can understand you any better, it just means now that you are shouting incoherence.

I have an interview for a salon today. I hope it goes well. I'm so tired of interviews, I don't even get nervous anymore. I just want to be a bit more settled already. Is that too much to ask? i think not!

I want a puppy. No. Correction. I need a puppy. Everyone should have a puppy. Well, maybe not everyone, now that I'm thinking of sick freaks who abuse animals, they should be tasered!

phone....

Secretaries at school are so nice and funny. Especially when in the background you can hear them setting a kid straight.

Oh, last night I killed a seagull. But in all honesty, I think it was more like a suicide than a homicide. He flew right down in front of my car on Coney Island Avenue, not really allowing my to slam on my break. That thud, crunch, and then explosion of feathers behind me was pretty gross. I'm sorry to the sea gull's family. My deepest sympathy's. Just goes to show you that, going after the one last french fry might not be worth it after all!

OK, that about does it!

Flight or Fight

Quick! Your backed into a corner, decision time. What do you do?

I would say that my answer, about 89% of the time is fight, who would guess? But I can also think of those crystal clear few times when I choose flight, not so much in a "meta" way, but in that I physically removed myself from whatever was happening, and ran. I would say that most choose flight over fight. But not me, no way, I always have to do the opposite of what everyone else does. So what do I do? I cement my feet to the ground, stare the problem dead in the eye, and dare it, nay, taunt it, to hit me. Hm, I wonder if this is adding to the fact that I feel so tired all the time...hhmmmm, something to think about. Anyways, those few moments when I choose the flight option, it was as if everything got real still and slow, and I was overwhelmingly confused and anxious, and I headed for the nearest exit and sprinted out. Then, whatever the issue was, I would pretend it did not even exist.

What is the better of the two options? What is the deciding factor that makes people choose one over the other? Each have consequences. The flight option makes it difficult to live in reality. Your always picking up and running, not ever having to face what is real and what is happening now. Can a constant "flighter" know what perseverance or endurance is?

The fight option can make a person a bit...rough, for the lack of a better word. It can make you a bit headstrong, a bit dramatic, overly self-confident. Some times they feel like a superhero, like there isn't a problem that they can't fix, and that they don't need help from anyone, THEY'VE GOT THIS! But, the danger is not knowing the limits, these "fighters" are like a Pandora's Box, pushed to it's limit and it could get explosive. What shall a person do? Stick it out? Or, move along?

Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you???? (Ghostbusters)

Insane In This Here Membrane

GGGgggrrrrrr!

Frustration overload! SYSTEM MANUAL OVERDRIVE! SHUT DOWN! WARNING: if you are currently in a good mood, have a generally positive outlook, always freakishly happy, and can find the good in a pile of garbage, for your own well-being it may be wise to stop reading this now. Since I have nothing to hit, or shove, or kick unfathomably hard, I'm gonna get some of this aggression that is pressing in on me out right here, right now. And the following things irritate me:

1-People who swing their arms way too much while walking up crowded stairs

2-The noises that bananas make when being eaten

3-People who run their mouths about stuff they have no idea about

4-The funky smells of the subways

5-When its raining like a monsoon in NY, and the constant battle of the Umbrella Wars

6-When people "think" that they are being helpful, when if fact, they are doing just the opposite

7-When people say, "talk to me Goose"

8-When people ask you a question and then proceed to cut you off as soon as you start to answer

9-Really heavy breathers

10-Kids

11-The lady in Beacon's Closet who would NOT give up that dress that I wanted (and totally saw 1st!)

12-When people constantly pocket dial you, I wish my name didn't start with an "A" just for that reason

13-How disorganized bookstores are lately

14-The fact that I have to pay $90 for a little sticker to put on my license plate

15-Idiots who talk ridiculously loud at 3 am walking down my street

16-The constantly having to repeat myself

17-My bangs, I regret cutting them

18-People who stare

19-The struggle it takes for me to get a glass out of my darn cupboard (my roommate is tall)

20-The fact that now I have to be careful and not listen to my iPod on my way home so that it doesn't almost get stolen again

21-Two-faced individuals

22-People who tell you just to give up

23-The poodle a few doors down who barks EVERY TIME it is outside

23-Way too much cologne

24-Car horns/sirens

...and that is just to name a few.

Feet Don't Fail Me Now

I have got to get it together!!!

Amanda, what are you doing? Seriously, it is time for some tough love, courtesy of your 15 year old self! The 15 year old version of you would say, are you happy with the way things are going? What do you want to be? Where do you want to go? What do you want for your life? Oh, what...don't have the answer...oh, that is too bad, hmmm, let's think about this...maybe you could, oh, I don't know....FIGURE IT OUT!!! Buck up, soldier!! If you don't take charge no one else will! No one is gonna hold your hand and give you everything you ever wanted. You gotta figure out WHAT you want, and go out and make it happen! (in case you were curious, apparently the 15 year old version of myself was a former marine Sargent with a case of "rage"...actually that is not too far from the truth!)

I used to be so dedicated, so focused, so regimented. I knew exactly what I wanted, and I got it! I also always knew what I was working towards, and I can say that have about about an 85% success rate in life goals. The thing is though, I feel like all those goals took so much time, and now that most of them are done.....now I don't know what to do. Oh what to do, what to do. It it time to do some soul-searching, traveling, getting back into the swing of things, hittin' that ole road again! Finding what it is that I want to do next. Get ready world, Amanda is making her way back!!!! You've been warned:)

P.S.-Any suggestions are welcomed and will be critiqued!