Confession: I know that I originally started this blog for an easy, funny documentation of my life...but, as these months have passed since I have started it, I feel the strongest desire to express what is going on when I am stressed and frustrated. Which happens more often then I would like it to. But I've come to the conclusion that I will no longer wade in this limbo stage. I can't do it anymore. I used to have this strong craving for life, my life. Somewhere in between all the newness that my life contained, and the constant state of displacement and all the time spent unsettled, to now where I find myself slowing fading by this constant battle with things not turning out how I thought they would or should, and that oh so dangerous voice in the back of my mind that whispers in an unsettling way just when I think that I'm going to be alright and throws me into a state of complete, horrific panic with four simple words, are you really happy?
I know that life is not all peaches and cream all the time. I am not an idiot. But why is it that I have yet to learn to completely loose myself in the moments of absolute happiness when they do happen? Envelope myself in those times and carry them with me always. I am completely envious of those who know how to dust the dirt right off their shoulders and not carry the load of every trouble in their life on their shoulders. I fear that when some look at me, they see a train wreck waiting to happen. I know I wrote a user guidebook on how to deal with me. I have all these maps, and keys, and puzzles, to try to solve all my equations. I've built so many walls up all around me. And that has got me thinking, have I put them up to keep people out, or have I put them so that no one can discover me? Do I even know me?
There are things now that I am not satisfied with. Some of them, I have the power to change. Question is, what am I going to do? Am I going to wallow in self pity and doubt and not try to make things better? Or, am I going to make a game plan and put it into action? I'm tired, and feeling a bit lost, but I feel things are the times in life that most define a person and the direction that the rest of your life will take. I know that I do not want to be a miserable, negative person. I know where I do NOT want my life to end up. The quest now is to just figure out where I DO want my life to go. Anyone have a spark plug? I sure could use a little boost about now.
