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"If beauty is a tender succulent plant, then eyes are two bright flowers crowning it. Eyes are a pair of kingly stars glittering through the deep heavens; two precious stones that adorn the crown of love and beauty; two bright windows overlooking the garden of the soul.

Eyes are two pages from a sacred book, full of words of excellence, and written into them with words of light are the the realities of life, the secret of the heart, and the inner mysteries of the conscience.

I wonder what other vestiges of the soul, what other heavenly books there are, which are more expressive, more beautiful, and more enchanting than eyes.

One of eyes' wonder is that, like gems, they go with every color. Some are black like jet; some are blue like turquoise; others resemble the eyes of an eagle shining like rubies."

Abdullah Goran-Eyes

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"He stood erect-as a peg top does so long as the whip keeps lasing it. He was modest-thanks to a robust conviction of his own superiority. He was unambitious-all he wanted was a a life free from cares, and he took more pleasure in the failures of others than his own successes. He saved his life by never risking it-and complained that he was misunderstood."

Dag Hammarskjold-Markings

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"At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned her despairing eyes upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it to her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning, as she awoke, she hoped it would come that say; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always saddened, she longed for the morrow."

-Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

Log Entry 1: To New Beginnings

Dearest Diary,

Congratulations! You made it! Woo-hoo! (streamers exploding, fireworks lighting the sky, crowd carrying you on their shoulders, shouts of your name filling the air) Ah. Good. Got that out of your system? Okay, I good, cause I have some news. It is September 1st. Time to start ALL over again. You better take a deep breath baby, its square one that appears right before you. But, have no fear, you can do it! This time around you know what to expect, and you are much wiser (ha!) and have more experience (true) this time around. It is going to be fine. F-freaked out, I-insecure, N-neurotic, and E-emotional. Yep! You are going to be just f-i-n-e!

Now could we be freaking out that we are almost in the exact same boat as we were this time last year? Sure. Are we going to be?........I really want to say no. Okay, so I will, NO! It is no big deal that you still do not have the exact job that you want. But you are making it work. It is no big deal that you have to move again, the exact same time you had to last year. Which okay, let's allow ourselves the pleasure to have a giant gasp about how freaky the time lines are resembling each other. GASP! But, this time it is different. There is no "couch crashing" in your future. You know exactly where you are going. It worked out perfectly (relatively speaking of course)!

Now could I be feeling insecure? Of course! I am a girl. One of the perks of having a vagina is having the right to be insecure whenever I darn well feel like it! But, I am not an insecure person. I am using this term as it applies to being anxious and uneasy, when it comes to my trip back home. Don't get it twisted. I LOVE my family. They are so much a part of me it is ridiculous! However, my 1st trip back home was not the best. I was so frustrated and annoyed. It did not feel like the "home" I was used too. So much had changed. Were you stupid to think that you could leave and move on with your life and everything back home would just stay exactly the same anxiously waiting for my return? I think not! I blame movies for this unrealistic depiction of the coming home montage! I just remember thinking, "I cannot WAIT to get back to New York. I do NOT belong here anymore!" Then, the 10 hour car ride back came. Oh vey! What a doosie that turned out to be! Question: Have you ever sobbed for 8 hours straight before, in a car, all by yourself? Yea. I hadn't either until that horrendous day. I forever hate Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey because they saw Amanda breakdown and cry. All the sudden, a huge tidal wave of hurt and sadness, and fear, hit me at about 4 am as I was passing over the state line. And hot, ugly, ginormous tears followed soon after, seeming to have an endless supply. I couldn't even really tell you why I was crying. It was a combination of so many things. The biggest was the frustration that I no longer had a home. The only home I had ever known was no longer there. And my new home was so temporary, and transitional, and not mine. So after all that being said, am I anxious about going back home again after all that hot-messness? Heck yes!

Now what could we be neurotic about? Ha! Seriously? What kinda question is that? Let's rephrase that to what don't we have to be neurotic about? I love you, but surely you must know that we are a crazy girl! But it is such an endearing quality (cough). I cannot tell you not to over think everything and anything, because let's face it, I know you too well to know that won't happen. But let's try keeping it in check. Maybe only do that with one thing a day. And let's try not to get all Joan Crawford on the guy at the deli when he puts a whole container of cream cheese on one side of your bagel and not a single drop on the other! "NO INCONSISTENT CREAM CHEESE EVER!!!!!!!"

Now what could we be emotional over? Eh'hem...see previous paragraph. But here is the big thing. How about we try not to be emotional over the fact that we are a tad bit (un pequito) emotionally strange. In this day and age, who isn't? So you don't quite understand why you feel the way you. Not the end of the world. And here is the BIG one. Stop agonizing over whether you like said boy or just the idea of him. If you like him, you will know. Done and done.

Also, lets try eat a little bit better, re cultivate some of our domestic skills, and do a change up/makeover with our style, shall we? I'm in! Sounds good to me too! Splendid! This is going to be our year. Cheers! Oh, champagne! Don't mind if I do:)

We Shed What Was Left of Our Summer Skin

Summer is almost over with. How sad is that? It seems to have rushed by so fast. You remember as a kid that you lazed around for all of June, and then July seemed like you if you were gonna go on vacation-that is when you went. And then before you even knew it, August was knocking at your door with September following closing behind, completely uninvited. And then the night before school was to start you were completely miserable and almost on the verge of a complete breakdown, trying to rationalize how on earth you could get out of this impending doom and make summer go on forever? Well that, my friends, does not go away when you get older.

Since by the world's standards, summer is officially over and done with once the ugly, stupid, annoying, and bed-wetter "cousin" of all other dates, the always dreaded Labor Day is upon us. It's only a few measly days away and I feel the impending weight of real life approaching. This can't happen! I have not done most of the things that I wanted to do with you summer! No! I will not let you leave! I love you. I need you! Doesn't that mean anything to you? I'll do anything! What do you want me to do? Grovel? I can do that. (on my knees, eyes filled slightly with tears, hands together, looking up...and let the pleading begin) Please, please, please do not leave me. My life is empty and uneventful when you are not here. I know I don't always treat you right, or respect you. But I can change. I can learn to love all that is you, including the intense heat, the humidity, the smell you give this city, and all the sweat. I am addicted to you. You give me a feeling that nothing else can. When you are around the air is different, its filled with sweet smells, laughter, grasshoppers, and the gentle swishing of bicylces rolling by. You make my world bright. Without you, I am in darkness! Doing certain things is not the same without you around. Going outside is a task. The park isn't fun anymore. The beach, oh the beach, that is "our" place, I don't dare go there without you. People always comment on how I'm "glowing" when you are in my life, and I know it is because of you. In short, I am the best version of myself with you. Please don't take that away from me!

However, in the event that Summer does decide to leave me. I feel that I need to prepare myself. I will miss the warmth that the air brings. The sweet breezes that come at night. The feeling of wearing the perfect summer dress. All the outdoor events. The relaxation that a day at the beach can give you, that nothing else on this planet can do, it is like free therapy. The joy that comes with eating an amazing meal (or even the summer essential that is chips, guacamole, and a margarita) on a patio or rooftop! When you are here, the whole city changes, its like you force everyone to take a deep breath and just relax. But this is how you have been my whole life. You come, and rock my world, and just when I completely loose myself in you, you decide to leave. I know Summer promises that he will return and bring all of you back with him. But, the thought of loosing all of you is too much! Please, try to convince him to stay. The world is a better place when Summer is around.

Where Have All the Sam Baldwins Gone?

So what, you may wonder, is Amanda doing on a Friday morning at 11:22 on a day in August? Besides listening to the best online radio station EVER! (I created it to the mixture of perfection with Bob Marley+Feist+Foster the People+Santogold+Tony Bennet+Salt n Peppa+Black Keys+Jay-Z+Sade=Music GOLD!!!!!) (Also, props to Pandora for having the kindness to allow it's listeners with a wide range of musical taste (me!) to have a plethora of theirs faves to keep streaming at them all day long without judgment that yes, in fact I do wanna hear Kanye slay it, right after I hear Babs belt it!) And besides me having an ongoing argument with Basum (an annoying interpreter who is a pain in my tuchas!), he has said repeatedly that I am lying to him, and that Michelle is NOT in a meeting, and that she is just avoiding him. Nah, Mr. Paranoid, she is a manager, ssooooo...they frequently have meetings thru out the day. Also, as I side point, I know you don't know me all too well, but I would have no problem telling you that yes, she does not want to speak to you! And besides trying to deflect all the nervous energy over Hurricane Irene making her big city debut this weekend. This one is a bit scary, I will admit that. My Dad is permanently glued to The Weather Channel (as previous post stated) and has been calling and texting all these updates and wanting to know my game plan. Game plan!?!? Um, listen pops, Debi and I have a repeated date to go to the beach every single Sunday, so.....Ima gonna keep my word and hit that surf up! He, however, did not appreciate that joke. I cannot imagine why not. Easy up Pops! Don't be such a worry wort! But people are are starting to get paranoid, and in NYC, paranoia is worse than a bed bug epidemic. So here is my game plan, Dad-pay attention, I am going to pack a bag (filled with: laptop, movies, sweats, tuna fish, Oreos, toothbrush, and other essentials) and head over to Ian and Christina's and take shelter there for a day or two with Debi, Kia, and Bax-a-Frass! It might even end up being fun! I'm sorry, but with my positive attitude, who wouldn't want me on their emergency evacuation team?

But am I concerning myself with all that stuff today? Nope! Okay, well I guess I am, but only like 15% of myself is calculating all those things. Instead, the question of the day is: Why, oh why, did you (said boy from last post) not talk to me the other night? Me? Paranoid??!? Maybe. Just a tad. But I'm sorry, any other time we have seen each other, you seek me out and we talk. We've talked so long that others have even noticed that we are in fact still talking. And okay, yea, maybe because I did not fully know how to proceed from our previous conversation, I did not go up to you and initiate a convo. However, I got the feeling that you were intentionally NOT talking to me. Could I be making that up, in my crazy (cute) and neurotic (wonderful) mind of mine? Maybe. Maybe not. But immediately I thought of the rule from He's Just Not That Into You. A hybrid of rules #1&2- He is just not that into me if he is not asking me out/calling me. Grumble. I never ever! Let me repeat. NEVER, EVER!!! Wanted to be one of those girls that even knows all those dumb "rules", or even factors them into her life in any, way, shape, or form. Period. On the other hand... Aha! Yes, the other hand. Let's not forget about that other dude, shall we. Oh, other hand, how I love thee! It has been in my many, and insightful past experiences (that is a lie), that some times, not to be confused with all the time, but just some times, silence says so much more than words ever could. I say this because, I wanted to talk to you. But I didn't. Even more so, I wanted you to talk to me. And I'm pretty sure you could have picked up on that. Right? I mean guys can't be that dense. Right? Even though I felt you purposefully would not talk to me. I did still see you looking at me. More than once, or twice, or thrice....you get the picture. So why you looking if your not interested? Am I right? But let me give this buster a little tid bit about me and how I operate. If you keep this game up, I will get either a) bored or b) angry. Either outcome will eventually end in me completely erasing you off the map and acting like you do not exist. Harsh but true. I'm sorry, that is just how it happens. So do yourself a favor and actually activate that so called "game" you've been blabbing about before I end up like a Beyonce song to you, "I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had!"

Seriously, why can't life be like Tom Hank's character in Sleepless in Seattle? Do you remember when he was on the phone with the radio station talking about how wonderful his wife was? "Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic." Oh. swoon:)

The Tail End of a Bad Case of Verbal Constipation and Emotional Diarrhea

As the above has stated, I have been sick. But not a sick that I am used to. Actually, come to think of it, I am rarely sick (notice the lack of doctor's visits in the past...5+years) so really any type of sickness is not my forte'. As of late, its been that ole brain and that organ deep in my chest cavity...what's it called? Oh, yea, my heart, that have come down with a little something, something. It has been a while since these two have come under the weather at the same time. So as you can imagine, I am not quite myself.

Yes, let's just get it out of the way, this post is in fact about a boy. What else? I'm sorry. This has been a repeating topic in my life and it always confuses me, and this blog is where I talk about all my confusion, so----this is what you get! Deal with it, cause I have too! If you have read any of my previous post, I have said repeatedly that the options in the guy department are SLIM. I can without a doubt say that I knew maybe a total of 3 guys my whole life that were truly great. One of those is married already and the other 2 I do not know what happened to them. And that is fine. Really, and truly it is. I've never been one of those girls who cannot function on her own. Or who is so desperate to be married. Or who is such a huntress that every time she meets a male, she sizes them up for husband potential. Those women annoy me. But, let's not get off subject. All that means, simply, that I am not looking for anyone. It will happen when it happens.

This does not mean, however, that I do not think about, or wish (right in that moment) that I did have a little "sugar" in my life. Ha! Can I just say, it is so weird for even me to admit that to myself. Also, considering the fact that most of the guys I have met within this past year have been LAME! Not anything going on to make you stop and think, "oh!" Good looking? Sure! But they have nothing going on inside. No personality. They are just a shell of a person. And me, being the inquisitive child that I am, I like to dig real deep and open up people's brains and take a walk around. So when you are empty, there is no fun for me.

But dare I say, something has peaked my interests. Or should I say someone. Now, here in lies the confusion. Am I interested in you? Or, do I just like the fact that you are different and you actually have substance? I don't know. But here is what I do know. I have this slight giggly feeling about myself. I have been making sure my appearance has been not a total mess as it usually is. I have been thinking about some of the things you said, trying to see what you meant when you said, "when are we gonna get to know each other better?" And yes, I have had discussions with my girls as to what that meant too. Usually, I am a talker, but when conversing with you, I take a very active role in listening. Along with that, I have a rep for calling out people when they say certain things, but with you, its not until after that I go "wait! what?" I do wonder if you like me. Sometimes I think yes, other times I think not.

Okay, I got wrap this thing up, because there is just WAY too many feelings flying around here. I'm getting uncomfortable. So in closing, I know at times I carry myself like a dragon lady. But I'm really just a softy that has specific likes and dislikes. It might "seem" like I have my life together, but I do not. I'm just good at pretending and some times you need to lie to yourself so as not to freak out over every little thing. In short, I am not as scary and "put together" as I come off to be. You are interesting, and you do cross my mind. There I said it! And the absolute, purest truth....if you were to call me.....I wouldn't hate it.