Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man?*

*taken from the lyrics of Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow which I very heart fully would sing along with my mother while driving to Kroger when I was 12....and the words still apply today:)

Thank goodness for very attractive and assertive male actors. And for very talented and funny and endearing male writers. And for living proof, award winning husbands! You guys saved my life and brought me back to reality. Amanda almost made a BIG boo-boo. Word to the wise, boredom is like peyote to me: when it is in my system.....bad things happen. Now. we are not talking anything at a Hunter S. Thompson level. But I do act and think and probably look (emphasis on "probably" look, as it is mucho difficult for me to look anything less than exceptional!) very, very stupid. However, thanks to some real gentleman that have come on my radar I have been smacked into reality with a big sign that reads "Amanda, hold out for a REAL man, because believe it or not, they are still out there!" So I will no longer keep myself occupied with two bit losers who are the equivalent of white bread, and who cause more frustration in my life than anything else. Well, to you I say, "Good day, sir!" Be on your way. Keep walking, ain't need none of your kind around here.

Now because I am such a good friend, I will give you some of the things that helped me. First, enter Paul Newman. HELLOOOOO Paul Newman. What a man, what a man, what a mighty, mighty good man! Those piercing blue eyes and the air of confidence he has is crazy! His character Ben, in The Long, Hot Summer would have had me in love by the end of June! He knew he wanted Clara, and he was gonna have her. That's it! No ifs, ands, or buts about it! And talking about men, how about Robert Redford? Can I can a get a Hubble. He comes to her rescue, even when he doesn't have to. And he is not afraid to ruffle her feathers or to become genuinely irritated with her. And we can't even talk about men without bringing up the man of the hour: Ryan Gosling. He is a bona fided man! He has a legit personality, and it is consuming. Let's not even talk about how charming and handsome this man is (that is a whole post all on it's own.) But Lars gives the tiniest expression of caring and I go all weak in the knees!

I'm going to just put this out there: i love you Shane Nickerson! With each and every word that I read that you wrote makes my conviction to not get all wrapped up in a half man child that is seriously lacking in substance, that much stronger. Your Post about your kids are so sweet. You can tell that these little things are streaming out of you as if your heart melted, which mine does by the way, EVERY time!

And a big shout out to all the real life husbands that I know that are living like real men everyday! Kicking butt, getting things done. Still being able to maintain a sense of humor, quirky personalities, and handling your 'bidnas appropriately. (You've all scored some pretty amazing woman I might add as well. So kudos for that!) So, again, as a song somewhere, by someone once stated "I'm holding out for a hero!" Well, alright, maybe I should not be that diligent to not comply unless you wear stretchy pants, have a cape, and look totally different having glasses on, and can come to by rescue and whisk me away to the top of the Empire State Building.......but on the issue of being a manly man, and knowing what you want and knowing how to get it, and helping me get things down from the top shelf, or coming to my rescue with car trouble, or calming me down when I get all hyped up and crazy, and not being afraid to stand up to me, but still being gentle, on these things I WILL NOT budge! And I don't completely hate the idea of a cape......

In closing, thanks to all the real men out there that have proved to me not to settle. Thanks for doing you. And DOUBLE thanks for looking so good while you do it! Check you out! Go on with your bad self!

Love, Amanda Marie Kula (a REAL woman:))

'Til You Marry Me Bill

I. Am. In. Love.

Plain and simple. There is no escaping or denying it! I have found a person that makes my heart go boom-boom-boom. I suppose you want to know who my betrothed is? Well let's see. He is very creative, he had his own deign company that specialized in hats for a time. He attended Harvard. He has traveled the world. He knows just about every single socialite from Manhattan to Paris, but he could care less. He lives at Carnegie Hall. He is a photographer. His means of transportation is a bicycle. He wears the same blue vest just about everyday. And, he feels uncomfortable when a place is "too luxurious" for him. He is about 85 year old, and his name is Bill Cunningham. Yes, that Bill Cunningham.

Everyone already knows that there is a special little area of my heart that is like butter for super sweet, endearing, lovable older men. But Bill, he takes the cake! He might just be the absolute epitome of joy! And we all know how I could use more of that in my life! He loves capturing moments with his camera. And he is not fooled by copy cats. If he is not impressed, you will know. If he thinks you are fabulous, you will know. He does not care about the guest list before attending events. He will almost get hit by a cab so as to get the shot of the women in the amazing hat! And he will do this all with a big ole smile on his face. And he is unbelievably humble, he is not a sell out. In the movie Bill Cunningham New York you can see how he leads a simple life that is full of happiness. The best line ever was when he said that "I don't know how to work, all I know is how to have fun everyday!" In the movie when he was at Paris for Fashion Week, we see him just patiently waiting off to the side being completely overlooked until someone comes and pulls him in saying, and I quote, "the most important man in the universe" That is my love, the most important man in the universe! But I just loved how he wasn't all angry that he wasn't allowed in, and then NO ONE seemed to recognize him. Nope, not Bill. He just stood there and took what photos he could until he was allowed in. And bonus! He didn't have to sit at the end of the runway like all the other photogs. He got a front row seat baby! Talking right next to Anna Wintour. The best thing about him might be that he knows he is different than most other people, but he blissfully could not care less. Yep, that's my guy, the oddball, weirdo, who is having so much fun doing what he loves! Sorry ladies....he is mine!

A Rant and A Tangent for the Road

WARNING:I just awoke from a two and half hour angry nap. I have been trying extra hard to have a good day, but the universe is playing for pinks today! In the interest of full disclosure, Yes, I realize that there is a high probability of me taking back most of the things I say in this here post, at a later date when I am in a better mood and the sleep marks on my face go away. But for right now, this is how I see it.

This day needs to go back to Middle School and have the crap beat out of it from some freakishly big 12 year old that shows no mercy! Who does today think it's messing with!?!? Mama didn't raise no fool! I refuse, R-E-F-U-S-E, to let you get the best of me! But boy, do you have a lot of friends. Lots and lots of annoying, ugly, beefy friends.

Question, where did you meet the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wannabe that started my day of SO wrong this morning on the train? My guess is either at a plastic surgeon's waiting room where she awaited her appointment to get botox injected into her eyelids so as never to blink them again, or a sad, pathetic little lounge somewhere on the Upper East Side where she proceeded to get sloppy drunk off of Pinot Grigio. Either way, she was the worst. I cannot believe my worst "someone was staring at me the entire train ride" story is going to be about a seemingly normal looking woman, who after more consideration must have been heavily medicated OR mentally impotent. This woman straight stared for the whole 20 minute ride! And BONUS, was standing less than a foot away from me. Then, when I stared her down right back, it did not even seem to phase her. What is wrong with her? I should let you know, when I moved so as not to completely lose it, and I checked you hard on your left shoulder, that was on purpose. And that was minute compared to what I wanted to do. Let me give you a hint: digital orb extraction! When people stare, it does something to me that not a whole lot else does. It's like every sensor in my body flashes red with anger.

Oh, and your good 'ole pal the weather. What crawled up his butt and died? Does he suffer from long term memory loss? Or does he just not have a calendar? We are just a few days away from October, where we usually have crisp autumn days, where you can neither get too hot nor too cold. It is just right. So these two weeks of muggy, humid, 80 degree days where the sun never shines and the air is so thick and damp and there is a constant drizzle of rain like someone did not turn of the faucet completely-I have had enough of it! Especially because I held out to cut my bangs until the humid weather was done. So I did and the VERY next flippin' day you go all menopausal on me and decide to have another hot flash, that we all have to suffer along with you?!? You suck!

And your best friend, my job, what a absolute pleasure she is! Thine Enemy! Why can't she just leave it alone? Nothing needs to change. Keep it the same, everything is working fine. No need to get all temper mental. She changes her mood and her mind so much that we all suffer whiplash on a weekly basis. Look, I do not want more responsibility. I want to be able to peace out whenever I darn well feel like, without even a big deal needed. I do not want to invest anymore than I already have into this job. Because, after all, that is all she is, a job. Not my career. She is just a means to end at the moment. Not a lasting, loving relationship. And having to be there, the little that I am, forces me to deal with some of the most taxing type of people. These are the things that I am constantly shouting in my head when I am talking to some of them:

Temp: Speak up! YES! You can ask me a question, and you don't always have to ask if you can ask a question before you ask a question. AAAHHHHHHH!!!! And, FYI, it's Bergdorf Goodman, not Bengood Gillman. Idiot!

K: Shut up! Quit being so loud and obnoxious. Yes, we all see you. ALL the attention is on you. Happy? Oh, and bring me my Chobani! Who steals some one's yogurt. You freak! Oh, and answer your darn phone! Quit taking 3 hour naps at work! And bring your key, I am not opening the door for you anymore, especially because you have a bladder of an 89 year old woman who birthed 20 kids. Oh, and PS-your rude!

D: Go back upstairs! You are not that special. You are not Ramona Singer! Stop acting like it. And your not all that funny either. I laugh at you when your NOT trying to be funny, not the other way around, so don't get it twisted! Oh, and no one cares that you live in Queens!

C: Quit being nasty. No one wants to hear dirty stuff all day long. We all get it. You used to be heavier, now your skinny and a big flirt, congratulations to you.....(eye rolling sarcastically)

Food, my only friend in the world. How good you are to me! Your mac and cheese was just what I needed. And my Ben and Jerry's, the two men in the world who will NEVER let you down, was just heavenly. I vaguely remember myself being such a positive, happy girl. I don't get it. What happened? Now, the things I hear the most is "why are you so mean?" and "geez! what is that look for?" Listen people, I'm sorry! 96% of the time, I am NOT TRYING to be mean. But, have you ever stopped to think that when a person is trying to be good and nice but she keeps getting the "mean card" slapped in her face, that might, just might, effect her mood? You haven't? Jerks! The best I can give you right now is that I'm working on it. I am a constant work in progress. And you can ask anyone who I have hurt in the past, I am not too good for apologies.(also this little tidbit should go down on the pros side of the list of just how NOT mean I am. A mean person would never apologize. 'nuff said!) And as far as all the comments about by face. I can't believe I even have to explain this one. I'm sorry, but who loves hearing that there is something unpleasant about their face? Jerks! I am NOT giving a look, so apparently that is just how my face looks! Leave it alone! Quit bringing it up. And even IF I WAS giving a face, why would you want to push the issue. Wouldn't my look trigger something in that pea-size brain of yours to back up and run for cover? No? Idiot!

Also, major love to people who hand out unsolicited dating advice. Wow, you are a special brand of people aren't you? I particularly love when you use big words, and confusing little illustration to try to prove your moot point. So let me get this straight, according to you, I need to be the one trophy that makes him be like Yes! (???) Because the more numbers the higher the value? And I need to string along a bunch of guys because if they know other dudes are creeping in on their territory, their love will be much deeper and sincere? Really? Are you kidding me? Who asked you? Newsflash: I AM NOT DATING ANYONE! And even if I was, I still would not agree with a single thing you said. The cherry on top was when you told me that it's all my fault, my problem! Wow, what big balls we have! What exactly is my fault? The fact that I am not dating anyone? Yes, it IS my choice not to be in a relationship. My fault/my problem that crazies such as yourself give me the strangest "advice"? Nope! Wrong! Not my fault in the slightest. I did not ask for it. And, I'm sorry, "the more numbers the higher the value" What is that? If you have more of anything it makes it LESS special. That is why when something is RARE or ONE OF A KIND, it is held with such high regard and worth way more. Did you follow me on that one? No? Okay, well how bout you go find the rest of your crew and jump into the mystery machine to go save other people from irrational, and absurd trouble.

You will not win day! Just give up! Take out that little white flag of yours and wave it for all to see. Now I cannot think of a better way to celebrate my victory then having a nice glass of red wine. Even though I will have to use my Pyrex measuring cup because our 2 glasses are dirty, and I don't feel like washing dishes, and all the rest are already packed up. But I'm not ashamed, I STILL win!;)

Busted, Not Broken

Hey button faces, I hope all is well with all my adoring readers (:D) because sadly it is not so much smile times for me. It is about that time for an annual Kula family breakdown. Yay! With the main players, reprising their coveted roles, my unbelievably evil and chemically imbalanced sister, Sarah and my emotional mother. To say that the biggest mystery in life is trying to understand why Sarah has this inexplicable, blind, and vengeful hatred for my mother would be an understatement. She is sending all these tidal waves of pent up anger and unhappiness at full force to my mother, who has-on top of which-has had about 6 crap storms, one right after the other. The supporting roles are filled by my father: The Hermit. John: The Acting Strong One. Matt: The Most Irritating and Useless Living Thing On This Planet (I'd rather be related (by law!) to the Ebola virus, or termites, or a steaming pile of doo-doo!). Isabella: The Innocent Little Girl. Gabriella: The Newest Leverage in My Psychotic Sister's Mind.

Then there is me, 5 whole states away from this madness, but still feeling its effects. I laugh, because I have been wondering, "why is proving to be such a challenge to try to figure out when I can go home for a visit?" Ding-Ding-Ding! Because, you do not need to be involved in whatever is happening over at 520. Something bigger than you knows that stuff needs to be worked out over there and then you can go home. Knowing this helps, but only to an extent. It would help if I did not know them, but I do, I know them all too well. I can perfectly picture my father deep in hiding mood, my mother strung out completely and I can feel her heart tearing with each passing breath, Bella I can picture being fearful and so confused as to what is happening. And all of that is heart breaking for me.

It is taking so much of my strength not to get on a plane back home to go find that sister of mine in a dark alley and beat her to a pulp. Then, search for that useless brother in law and rip that precious Star Wars tatoo right off of his flesh! It is such a wonder how in the world these two twisted, sick, miserable people found each other. Combined and they are Satan in the flesh. And I really want to tell you something, but since you are not answering your phones (and besides that I should stay out of it) If you want to go a live a white-trash, Jerry Springer lifestyle, and getting the police called on you and your in laws at the Applebee's in Monroe, MI: then by all means, DO THAT! Just leave us out of it. Go do you, and leave us alone. And for goodness sakes, GET OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE!!!! And if you ever, EVER, threaten someone else in my family again, I will be on you so fast that people will think that you too got attacked by a drugged up chimp who proceeded to rip your face off! Got it?

Introducing Mr. Unexpected-Confident-And-At-Times-Shy-Interesting-And-All-Around-Confusing-And-Strange-And-Throughly-Frustrating

nervous belly

In the ever true words of Liz Lemon, "Blurg!"

Hey buster, I'm about done. Thanks to you I have officially become a crazy, neurotic (added to what already existed), completely confused, and unimaginably frustrated, pathetic girl! Are you happy with yourself?!!? I'm not like this, I don't know how to be "this girl". It is especially anger inducing when I see you and you appear to be all calm, cool, and collected-not having to suffer a single drop of our......well precisely! Whatever "we" are! While me on the other hand is practically on the verge of vomit about every 12 minutes. I hate to admit it, because it will make me appear to have lost all good sense and better judgment, and will pin the pink star of "typical, stereotype girl" on me, but, because you refuse to lay down some serious truths you make me resort to playing this all out in my head. Which, for your information, in case you care, is completely exhausting!

And just so you know, you are turning out to be one of the most frustrating, yet verbally matching individuals I have ever met! The thing that gets me is that you have the skills of saying things just the way they need to be said, when they need to be said, I've witnessed it. It's partly what makes you interesting. However, oh boy how big of a HOWEVER that is turning out to be! You've been having these moments of complete silence, all directed towards me! I don't get it! I mean, I can take a hint, alright so a guy suddenly stops talking to me, fine, you've lost interests, I get it. But, a ha! The always elusive, and honest, and mysterious and oh so powerful but....What was I saying? Oh yea, but, so you don't talk to me, but you continue to stare, and you get as close as possible to me and talk to EVERYONE around me, but will omit little ole me. But you will stare. Is this staring supposed to somehow magically get me under a spell to come up and do all the talking? If so, NOT WORKING! It's just pissing me off. I consider myself a rather exceptional conversationalist. So by you not talking to me, really hurts me feelings (the little that I have). When I catch you staring I am almost always on the verge of screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?"

There in lines the truth: What do you want from me? Can you honestly say that you have no feelings for me whatsoever? Why is it that you treat me differently than everyone else? I have a feeling that if I confront you, there is a possibility that you will try to back peddle of out it. I know that you are currently enjoying your singleness, as am I. I know you say that you freak out in relationships, as do I. But all that is dancing around the issue. Do you like me or not? It is possible to still like someone but not be ready for a relationship. Because, and here it is, if you can honestly tell me that you have no feelings for me, then I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Stop seeking me out at parties and talking to me forever. Stop making me laugh. Stop laughing at my jokes. Stop being able to keep up with me on a conversational level. Stop putting me in my place when I need it. Stop making me feel like a monster when I get a little upset with you, most of the time it is justifiable. Stop the needless always needing to take my hand. Stop saying things like "when are we gonna get to know each other" and "does that mean I'm not your favorite person anymore?" and "yea, I got your memo, I took it out of my back pocket and read it", I mean COME ON! And please stop the staring. Because, if you cannot handle to give me the decency of a few pure, raw, and honest sentences about your feelings, then you don't deserve to be able to do any of that stuff to me.

Now, if you would excuse me, I think it is about time to emotionally vomit, yet again!

I Love The Rain The Most

It is raining in New York City. It has been raining since Tuesday (or possibly Monday night and I was too passed out asleep to notice). To truthfully honest: I do not hate the rain. Sure, it is a pain to try to avoid all the massive puddles everywhere. And trying to juggle holding your bag, the newspaper, an umbrella and a green tea all while trying to talk to your mother on the phone does present some complications. But all things considered, I kinda like the rain. I could see thought how one bad day could turn this into a love/hate relationship, but we will cross that bridge, when and if that day ever comes. I have some favorites that I always want to do on a rainy day, and they are as follows:

• sleep in. sleep all day if that is an option. the rain is the world's most perfect sleep inducing thing. it is nature's lullaby:)
• wear really baggy sweats, including thick chunky socks (think 90's-Alanis Morisette-esque!) and make it a goal to stay inside all day.
• things to do while inside all day-watch One Fine Day, Stepmom, The Godfather Part 2, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, Guys and Dolls, Manhattan Murder Mystery, or a Freak and Geeks marathon.
  
• your rainy day play list should consist of Miles Davis, Edith Piaf, St. Vincent, Jens Lekman, U2, Feist, David Gray, Bright Eyes, and early Dashboard Confessional.
• cook! bake! whatever is it, just create food. I'm think chicken and dumplings, some type of pie, cupcakes, even bread, lovely and glorious, BREAD!
• if you must go out, please wear weather appropriate clothing, not something that will be completely ruined from a single drop of moisture.
  
• places to go to during a rainy day: a bookstore, museums, art galleries, the public library, a bakery, walk the Brooklyn Bridge
• all I want to do right now is curl up with my sweats and a glass of red wine and get lost in a book in front of a fireplace.
  

Quote

" Thro' the stillness of the night, love,
to a heart that's longing for you;
Swiftly as a bird in flight, love,
Fly, my darling, fly to me.

Oft' when twilight shades are falling,
I can sense your presence near me;
And your sweet voice softly calling,
Calling to me tenderly.

When my eager arms enfold you,
Never more to let you fly away;
Dear, forever I will hold you,
To my heart, Eternally."

Manu Rere (Maori love song)