The Man Mentality

I have been confused and frustrated with the male species. Usually, you guys are my favorite. Easy to talk to, relaxed, funny, easy to pick on and mess with, no drama. But as of late, you have become worse than a group of cackling Betty's! I think that this can all be traced back to one man in my life, my Dad.

Dad, you know I love you. But, you frustrate me. Worse yet, I'm starting to realize that I barely know you, at all. How is that possible? I have literally known you my whole life. We lived under the same roof for 21 years. We ate every meal together. We had countless conversations. You drove me to school almost every day of my life. We vacationed together. I cried to you about the goings on in my life. I have witnessed the few momentous times when you have cried over the goings on in your life. We have had some big arguments. You've seen my ugly side, and I have seen yours. But somehow, you still feel like a stranger. At one point in my life, I just accepted that you just didn't have a whole lot going on, that you were a simple man and that is how you liked it. Now, I'm getting the feeling that there is a dark, heaviness lying in you, and a scared little boy that has been locked away and topped with crippling anxiety over everything, all covered up with the front of a non confrontational, simple man who is content with life.

You are unbelievably stubborn. I know that I get that from you. You plant yourself in and will not budge. Sometimes it feels like trying to move a skyscraper. But why are you like that? You are also a big talker. You can just talk and talk and talk about all this stuff, but you never back it up with actions. Well, I guess "never" is a big word, I should say "very sparingly". Why do you do that? Do you realize that we pretty much have the same conversation every single time I call you? I don't want to talk about the weather with you for the 50th time, I live like 5 states away, the weather is the same as yours, even though it is irrelevant because you watch the Weather Channel all day anyways, so you already know. And I don't want to hear all about what everyone else is doing, what are YOU doing with YOUR life Dad? Why do you make yourself out to be older than you really are? Why do you quit as soon as something gets a little bit tough? Why do you instantly get into hermit formation when life hands you lemons? Do you want to know me at all? I feel like you are scared to get to know your family. And that you are just as frightened to let them get to know you.

Some times I wish you had more of a "heavy hand". I can remember saying things to you like you were a child or a friend, not my father. And you just took it. You didn't even get mad. I think that is part of the reason why I feel I can do that to every person, more specifically-men. I tell them just how it is and what they need to do. I can remember being 17 and you and I were talking in your office about John, and I remember saying to you "to grow some balls and be a man and just take care of it!" I should not have said that to you, but you never told me not to. Somehow I have subconsciously taken on the role of demanding every guy to bring out "the man" within them. "Be a man" and "Man up!" may be some of the most frequent things I say. As a result, I feel like I have taken on attributes that men should have and just saying "screw it! I'll just take care of it myself!", so I have a hard time respecting guys some times. I want to respect you Dad. I want to know who you are. I want to have all trust and confidence in you.

If You Were a Library Book, I'd Check You Out!

Holy, moly, me OH my!

I don't know what has gotten into the water, or the weather, or if the pages of GQ are coming to life or what....but there be some good looking men out and about in Brooklyn lately! Seriously, I'm almost wondering if an epidemic has struck.

I mean, sure, there are handsome people everywhere, everyday. But it seems that they have all gathered within a few miles of each other this past week. And I am NOT complaining. We all know how I have an attraction to Asian men. Well, let's define that, I like Asian but not "too Asian", they have to have that lil something extra about them. And they cannot be too short. Yesterday I hit the jackpot in that department when I was in Trader Joe's after work! I fell in love with 3 different Asian "McDreamy"s, one in the produce section, another in the pasta aisle, and the last standing in the check out line. It took all of my strength to resist going up to one of them and proposing marriage right there next to the Joe's Os!

Then today, on my way into work as I was walking down one of my favorite streets, again I spotted some ridiculously attractive guys. One was walking down from his apartment, and I swear everything went into slow motion. He was wearing the absolute, quintessential, always attractive, man outfit. Dark boots: check! Dark-nice-fitting-not-too-tight-slightly-rugged-jeans: check! A clean, white, cotton t-shirt: check! A dark, worn leather jacket, not too bulky, but just enough James Dean: check! Aviators: check! Great tousled hair, and slight stubble: check and check! I tried not to gawk at him. However that difficulty level jumped from manageable to impossible once he got on his MOTORCYCLE!! Sigh. And then he smiled at me, and I probably changed 4 different shades of red, because I was busted! He caught me completely eyeballing him. I'm sorry but what is a girl to do? He was straight pulling off that look like no one's business!

Also, I am a sucker for dogs. I notice them before I notice people. But one frisky dog noticed me first. I was standing on the corner, waiting to cross the street, trying to recover from watching the man of my dreams drive off on his motorcycle, when all the sudden I felt something wet and furry on my leg. And before I could investigate, the dog's nose went right up my dress! HEY! Watch it, you animal! He was bold, but he was also a big softy! His name was Earl and he was a happy golden retriever. I only know the name because his owner shouted it as he pulled him away and apologized. Then I saw that Earl had a pretty cute friend! He looked like a mix between a drummer, and carpenter. And all I could do was smile. A big, idiot, grin. Then, there was another dog. This time a french bull dog, and his equally french looking owner. "Hey, how are you today?" he said so sincerely as I walked past him and his dog, who was peeing-but we can forget that. "Great! How about you?" I said ever so casually. "Can't complain. It's lookin' up!" Ditto my friend, ditto! No complaints here. And then he said, "See you later." Oh boy. There is something very attractive about a guy with a dog, style, and an ease about him to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

I feel like I need to prepare myself for tomorrow. Get my game face on. And repeat to myself not to look like a complete turd if I do happen to run into, let's say...Mark Wahlberg.

Really?!?! Wow!

What is the obsession with coming up with all these over-the-top elaborate lies? I think the human race is becoming dumber. If you don't want to do something, just say so. If you messed up, just man up to it. So much more work is involved when you go the other route. And BONUS! you look a big doof!

A co-worker recently put in her resignation. Fine. I get it. No need to explain. You are the 4th person to have that job in less than a year. No one is gonna scratch their head as to why you are leaving. It's more likely they would if you continued to stick around! So why not just make your peace and leave? Was it necessary to say that the reason for your departure was because you are going to Stanford for law school?!?! REALLY?!?! Stanford? Law School? Hhmmmmm. Let's break this lie down in about 2 minutes, shall we?

1. Stanford-As in: Ivy League. As in lots and lots of $$$$. As in one of the most difficult and challenging schools to get into to. I'm pretty sure this is the one thing that solidified that this was in fact a lie. How many people do you know that went to Stanford Law School? That ratio is low I believe.
2. Law School- As in: becoming a lawyer. Um, you get confused by the phone......so.......i'm guessing The BAR is not going to be a cake walk for you.
3. The timing- You put your two weeks in, taking you to about mid to late August. Fall semester starts in a little more than a week. Is that enough time for you to pack up your life in NY and move to California? How do you think Stanford Law School feels about tardiness or absence?

Seriously, when I heard this I laughed. Then when I heard you were "busted" for lying about all this, I laughed even harder. I mean, shame on them for believing you in the first place, but shame on you for even trying it! The cherry on the top is that our old office manager also used this "excuse" when she decided to leave. "I'm going back to school to get my Masters!" Really??!!? You? The idiot who can't figure out how to open a door, and who flunked out of Beauty School? Come on ladies! You are giving girls a bad rep for being the most obnoxious liars! And, for being dumb! And, as a fellow female, this reflects bad on me. The saddest part is, they sound so familiar to the plot of Legally Blonde, which is not a compliment, in case you were wondering.

Next time you want to quit, all you have to say is that I quit, I do not want to work here anymore, this job is not for me! That's it! Or be really truthful and say that you do not agree with how the business is ran. But whatever it is, do not speak of "higher education" as being the sole reason.

Also, if you call in sick Monday morning, do not lie about having food poisoning (for the 3rd time in 8 months) from the 2, 10 piece nuggets, 1 big mac, and 1 fish fillet you ate last night. Don't drag down the clean and pure name that is McDonalds! I mean I sure after ALL that food, you would be dead anyways. And I kinda don't believe you simply because you say you didn't get any fries. Who doesn't get fries? Liars, thats who! Just tell the truth, your calling in sick because you are hung over or you have "alcohol poisoning" if you are so inclined to be poisoned.

Quotes

Reason, in faith thou art well served, that still

Wouldst babbling be with sense and love in me;

I rather wished thee climb the Muses' hill,

Or reach the fruit of Nature's choicest tree;

or seek heaven's course, or heaven's inside to see.

Why shouldst thou toil our thorny soil to till?

Leave sense, and those which sense's object be:

Deal thou with powers of thoughts, leave love to will.

But thou wouldst needs fight both with love and sense,

With sword of wit, giving wounds of dispraise,

Till down-right blows did foil thy cunning fence;

For soon as they strake thee with Stella's rays,

reason thou kneel'dst and offeredst straight to prove

by reason good, good reason her to love.

Sir Philip Sidney

Rituals of the Animal Kingdom

Birds are stupid. I do not like them. They are not to be trusted. Anyone who has a bird for a pet is not my friend. You never know when they might just up and decide to attack you, and they are well prepared because they were made with tiny swords built right onto their faces. And HELLO?!?! They can freakin' fly! Which to us humans means they can stab us and fly away and how ever would we catch them?!?! I do not see the purpose of birds. As a very sensible person (see previous post) said once, "Robins are nothing but a bunch of red-breasted sluts!" And I think we can all agree on that.

Today I observed these dumb creatures while I amazingly enough had a few hours this afternoon after work completely free. I had no pressing things that needed to be done, no appointments to make, no rushing all over the place, it was great! I took that time to go to one of my favorite places on this planet (Brooklyn Promenade) and to lose myself in Jane Austen's Emma, as I am reading this to become a more refined, poised, wise lady;) And it was there as I was throughly engrossed with the dialogue between Ms. Woodhouse and Mr. Knightley and arguing who is more stubborn, and who is right and wrong, and anticipating the moment when they will finally realize they are a perfect match, that I was rudely interrupted by birds, to be more specific: the lowest level of this species, the pigeon.

And what, you might ask, was this dumb guy all in a tizzy over? Food, what else. But the thing is, I did not see any food on the ground. Truthfully I think he was picking up bits of dirt, and rocks, spitting them back out, searching out another area of grossness, and then back again to the same dirt and rocks, forgetting that he already tried those. Mind you, there was a few kernels of popcorn lying on the ground easily 6 feet away. But do you think the dumb thing saw that? Nope. Instead he wanted to continue to sift through the garbage that was right under my feet. Of course there were times when I just had enough and I would kick my foot, shoo him with my book and this would give me maybe 2 minutes of peace, before he was right back again. And I'm sure in his little pea size brain, each time he came back he probably thought he hit the jack pot of food possibilities, forgetting that he already tried that piece of poop, and again it was not a raisin, it was still in fact, a piece of poop. Maybe if you try it again it will be food this time, oh hey wait.....nope still poop. At that point I had completely lost my concentration in my book, I mean how can you become more refined and delicate when a pest is trying to eat dog feces and spitting it back out again so deathly close to your toes? Emma would have it no such way!

Then, enter stage right, a female shows up. She flew in, I imagine, searching for the same thing that I was there for. To just relax, people watch, catch up on her reading, and catch a little sun. She was so quiet, refined even, compared to the rest of her species. And wouldn't you know it, the dumb guy, who was all about eating fecal matter, suddenly forgot what he was even doing and decided to put on a show for the lady. I mean, in his mind that is what she was there for right? Why else would she come over here? To be left alone and just chill? NO WAY! She spotted me and my amazing skills in seeking out food and decided to come in closer for a better look at the goods! This guy changed so fast that I almost forgot it was the same bird. He puffed out his chest real big, started letting out the real deep coo, and drew back his wings, and dropped his tail so low that it was dragging on the ground, and started circling her. She ignored this at first. I think she was probably just hoping he would take the hint and leave. But no. The dumb guy just kept on. So then she, being the smart one. noticed the popcorn and went over the nibble on that. And he was on her tail the whole time, nagging and bothering her. He was trying to "pimp walk" and trying to make those coos a deep, sexy growl to get her attention. She was not having it. She just gave him this look that was in bird language "Nah, dude! Not happening!" But he really thought he was something. He would not leave her alone. Thinking he was "the cat's meow!" And she would be so lucky to get with me! Straight stud! He dropped his tail even lower and started circling even faster, to the point that his tail essentially became a broom, sweeping up all the crap that he attempted to eat a few minutes ago. And then, very elegantly she flew away, finally having enough of that circus show.

Dumb boy kinda just sat there for a little bit. Completely motionless. Then he shook himself off, going back to looking like he did when he first entered my life. Took a look around, and then thought, "Oh hey! Look a raisin!" It was at that moment that I thought how rituals of these creatures are not too different from those of the human species.

Fellas, and don't take this the wrong way, but some times you are pretty stupid. You don't learn from somebody telling you. You have to learn from trial and error, you have to actually experience something, even at times multiple times over. And why is it that you can rarely do more than 1 thing at a time? So easily distractible you are too. I mean, I get sidetracked pretty frequently, but you guys get completely off course, coming to a complete stop. How quickly you forget what it was that you were just thinking, saying, doing, all of the above. And heaven forbid you throw a girl into the mix, forget it! Your toast! That's it. Dunzo! Guys have this alter ego that they put on when the ladies are around. Some times it is down right laughable. Just like the dumb bird and his instant transformation, guys try to appear tougher, try to use all their best lines, and try to layer the swag on really thick. And you are persistent if nothing else. However, you cannot take a hint. Whether it is a hint where she is letting you know to back the (beep) off! Or, the hint where she is intrigued by you, and wants to know more. Both is lost on you. Instead you try to keep up your "cool guy" routine ignoring all signals that indicate whether she is interested or not. And some times dudes, just some times, girls want to be left alone. She came to the park to just be alone with her and her thoughts, not for you to try and get your mack on! But how resilient you are too. I have to hand you your props for that. You shake that dust off your feet after a rejection and you don't really seem to let it bother you a whole lot. However, why is the guys that are so strange (i.e. the dumb bird eating doo-doo) are the only ones who seem to be around and available, and not ashamed enough to try and pick a girl up? Seriously, where have all the good guys gone? It's looking like if a girl wants to get married, she will have to settle for a dudemeister, who wears his pants super low, and has tasted poop willingly....more than once. Sigh.

An Ode To Jimmy Fallon

Let me count all the ways that I adore that man! Well, actually, now that I am thinking of it, they may be too numerous to count. But alas I shall try! I feel it is necessary too, because my man gets a lot of slack from some critics who thinks he is "not funny" or "too giggly". And to that I say, pppppsssshhhhhhh! I thoroughly enjoy stupid humor. If you don't, then you don't have to watch it. And you for sure don't have to flap that mouth of yours around talking nonsense about something that is so loved by many others. I think Jimmy Fallon and I have potential to be best friends. And I stick up for my friends, so if you have a problem with him, you will have to deal with me! I may be short but I as scrappy.

First, I love how it is almost impossible for him to not crack up. He gets tickled so easily, and he lets the laughs flow freely. I think not enough people on this earth laugh as much as they should. Especially when him and Horatio Sanz would be in a skit together on SNL. You could easily anticipate a lose of composure, and that always made me laugh harder. It makes it look like they really are having fun. And isn't that what we all want? I think all those "haters" are just jealous of the fact that he has so much fun....over dumb, stupid, wonderful things! Please try to tell me that his giggles are not contagious? Go ahead, just try.

Second, all his characters. Whether he is playing a real person from the 60's, impersonation of Adam Sandler, or an obnoxious IT guy, he can do it all. The skit he does when impersonating Enrique, it is too perfect for words. Even all the little skits he does on his show now, they are all brilliant! I'm gonna actually put it on record that those skits is what I really watch his show for, not necessarily for all the celebrities. Justin Beiber, Neil Young, RHWOLN, Robert Pattison, Charlie Sheen. They have all been amazing, and if you look through my youtube history, you will see that they take up majority of the space.

Third, he is not afraid to look dumb. In fact, I think he embraces it. It is such a wonderful thing to completely liberate yourself from caring what others think about you. Yep, I am acting like an idiot, what's the big deal? It's funny! Loosen up will ya! I love how he genuinely seems to get freaked out whenever he has the animal guy on his show and he is nervous with some of them, you can almost read straight terror on his face.

So to recap: I (heart) Jimmy Fallon because when he laughs, I laugh. He is a genius at making the mundane, dull, unnecessary, unspecial things seem hilarious! And from one idiot to another, we don't care that you think we are idiots:)

If my words were not enough to convince you, below are some of the best "visual proof" for you, enjoy!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/3560/saturday-night-live-jarrets-room
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4149/saturday-night-live-sully-and-denise
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4193/saturday-night-live-the-barry-gibb-talk-show
http://www.hulu.com/watch/220651/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-charlie-sheen-winning-for-men
http://www.hulu.com/watch/259803/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-history-of-rap-part-2
http://www.hulu.com/watch/244673/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-neil-young-with-crosby-and-nash-party-in-the-usa
http://www.hulu.com/watch/219053/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-real-housewives-of-late-night-season-2-episode-1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuvjCJseDGY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7iQWqHEG6A

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles...

....or in my case this weekend, that's the way the Nutella Brownie crumbles!

Some times I even amaze myself with how I have gotten this far in life. The stupid, ridiculous, laughable, arguably unreal, irritating, and non-sensical things happen to me in abundance. I feel like Mr. Magoo, always one step ahead of the anvil dropping on me and being completely oblivious of it all. I imagine some look at me and think that the only thing going through my brain must be "ba-ba-badadum! manoma-na! ba-ba-badadum! manoma-na!" (Okay, and maybe, just maybe at times that might be the case.) This weekend was kinda heavy in the idiotic moments. However, I would like to make a defense in my case and say that it is not ALL my own doing.

Since moving to the craziness that is this city, I have become very unfamiliar with the, dare I say, "finer things in life". To do any task is complicated 10 times over in New York. Take for example doing the simple task of going to the grocery store. Hard. Have to walk however many blocks to get there, then you have to cram yourself through the tiny aisles, and try to decipher the un-organization. You also have to take into consideration, "if I buy this ice cream, will it melt by the time I get back home, it is 104 out today...." Then you have to triple bag everything (that is if you don't use reusable bags) and try to evenly disperse all the bags for your trek back home. Then you get to your door, and have to fumble for the keys, you open the door only to have it jammed with all the mail underneath, then you walk the 4 flights up to the sauna that is your apartment, and collapse on your kitchen floor, not longer having the energy or desire to cook. See? Hard. But somehow we choose to live here. I know, right?!? It amazes me too. And even sadder is after awhile you start to forget that there is an easier way. The memories of you pulling into a Kroger parking lot and taking your time in the store without 8 people breathing down your neck to get where you are, and pulling into your driveway and your brother coming out and getting the groceries....all that starts to get fuzzy. But this weekend, ah! this weekend. How I lived in the lap of luxury! (Did I even use that expression right? Wait...is that even an expression?)

My good ole pal Vaydre entrusted the well being of her beloved dog, and by extension, her amazing apartment into my care for the weekend. She must have a lot of faith:) Her place is NICE. It is so nice that I manage to make myself look like a complete fool numerous times over. Starting with I could not figure how to lock the door. No laughter, please. It turns out that it is one of those fancy doors that are always locked on the outside. 15 minutes later I found that out. Then, it has been almost 2 years since I have used a dishwasher, again it took a few trial and errors to get that machine up and running. Let's not even talk about the DVD player, I am still very upset by that! Do you remember the good ole day when you just put the TV on channel 3 and the DVD player would work? What happened? Why do you suddenly need to know algorithms to watch True Grit?

They also have the world's most comfortable mattress ever! The bad thing was that I have not realized just how bad my crappy little mattress that I have been attempting to sleep on these past months has been. Then I entered in this unbelievable, dream inducing, melt every stress away you have ever had-mattress and thought I could die! I had so much to do this weekend and I didn't accomplish half of it because I could not peel myself off that mattress. I felt drugged. Even my eyes were heavy with longing for the ultra soft cloud that is the best mattress ever! If I could, I would marry that thing! And I would be the happiest girl in the whole wide world! She fell in love with a mattress.....and lived happily ever after:0)

The building is so nice that they even have a doorman! This helped me realize that I have no doorman etiquette whatsoever! Are you supposed to make conversation every time you pass them? You know like "small talk", oh brother, I am awful at small talk...."hey....there....how's it going? So your a doorman huh? Do you like that job? Is it what you always wanted to be? So how bout them Mets?" It is painful. What worse is when you know they are trying not to laugh at you when you can't figure out how to open the fancy doors, and when both you and the dog get trapped in the scary revolving door and sheer and utter panic is all over your face. Or when you run into a chair in the lobby and fall over it, and make this super loud thud, and he just looks over his desk and says it disbelief "are you okay?!?" And you have to jump up and act like nothing is wrong and that you totally meant to check yourself on the chair and come crashing down everything in a 5 feet radius of you. Yep, totally meant to! Also, I felt like they were judging me. Because they know you are home. It's not like you could slip out the back door without their notice! Yes, I did sleep in that late sir. And yes, I did stay inside almost all day. What is it any of your business that I watched Wall Street 2 twice this morning, and ate almost half of the brownies I baked, and took a little nap on the equally comfortable couch? But instead when I finally did make my way out, I felt like I needed to explain myself. "I am working.....on a project....for the.......government...and it is super secret.....and requires me to seem lazy......but it is just a front......as I am a....secret agent, yea a secret agent.....so if you don't have any more questions, this secret agent needs to pick up another brownie mix!...for her super secret project..for the government!" Someone should write a book on how to interact with the doorman, and call it, The Guide To Opening Doors and People: How To Have An Un-Awkward Relationship With Your Doorman. I would read that, and make notes in the margin!

Next and finally, and this one amazed me too, I got locked out on their balcony. Well Riley (dog), Kia (friend), and I, stuck on the balcony. And here is the kicker, neither Kia or myself had a phone! What are the odds of that? I still have no idea how we got locked out! And NO ONE was on their balconies that we could call to help. We had to wait until someone was out front of the building and we started shouting. Well correction, Kia started shouting as I was too busy laughing. "HHHEEEYYYYY!!!! UP HERE! WE ARE LOCKED OUT! CAN YOU TELL THE DOORMAN!!!!" Then 15 minutes later and shouting back and forth to the doorman about not knowing what apartment number I was in, one of the maintenance people came in, shook his head, unlocked the door and walked out. I think even Riley was embarrassed. Poor pup! But the silver lining, I guess I can cross off Get Locked Out On a Roof/Balcony from my NY Bucket List!

I am back to my regular, complicated, overly stress, no frills life. Where sadly I have grown accustomed. It is so non exciting. I wanna life that Jay-Z would write a song about! HHHMmmmmmmm, the ideas are flowing.......