A Rant and A Tangent for the Road

WARNING:I just awoke from a two and half hour angry nap. I have been trying extra hard to have a good day, but the universe is playing for pinks today! In the interest of full disclosure, Yes, I realize that there is a high probability of me taking back most of the things I say in this here post, at a later date when I am in a better mood and the sleep marks on my face go away. But for right now, this is how I see it.

This day needs to go back to Middle School and have the crap beat out of it from some freakishly big 12 year old that shows no mercy! Who does today think it's messing with!?!? Mama didn't raise no fool! I refuse, R-E-F-U-S-E, to let you get the best of me! But boy, do you have a lot of friends. Lots and lots of annoying, ugly, beefy friends.

Question, where did you meet the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wannabe that started my day of SO wrong this morning on the train? My guess is either at a plastic surgeon's waiting room where she awaited her appointment to get botox injected into her eyelids so as never to blink them again, or a sad, pathetic little lounge somewhere on the Upper East Side where she proceeded to get sloppy drunk off of Pinot Grigio. Either way, she was the worst. I cannot believe my worst "someone was staring at me the entire train ride" story is going to be about a seemingly normal looking woman, who after more consideration must have been heavily medicated OR mentally impotent. This woman straight stared for the whole 20 minute ride! And BONUS, was standing less than a foot away from me. Then, when I stared her down right back, it did not even seem to phase her. What is wrong with her? I should let you know, when I moved so as not to completely lose it, and I checked you hard on your left shoulder, that was on purpose. And that was minute compared to what I wanted to do. Let me give you a hint: digital orb extraction! When people stare, it does something to me that not a whole lot else does. It's like every sensor in my body flashes red with anger.

Oh, and your good 'ole pal the weather. What crawled up his butt and died? Does he suffer from long term memory loss? Or does he just not have a calendar? We are just a few days away from October, where we usually have crisp autumn days, where you can neither get too hot nor too cold. It is just right. So these two weeks of muggy, humid, 80 degree days where the sun never shines and the air is so thick and damp and there is a constant drizzle of rain like someone did not turn of the faucet completely-I have had enough of it! Especially because I held out to cut my bangs until the humid weather was done. So I did and the VERY next flippin' day you go all menopausal on me and decide to have another hot flash, that we all have to suffer along with you?!? You suck!

And your best friend, my job, what a absolute pleasure she is! Thine Enemy! Why can't she just leave it alone? Nothing needs to change. Keep it the same, everything is working fine. No need to get all temper mental. She changes her mood and her mind so much that we all suffer whiplash on a weekly basis. Look, I do not want more responsibility. I want to be able to peace out whenever I darn well feel like, without even a big deal needed. I do not want to invest anymore than I already have into this job. Because, after all, that is all she is, a job. Not my career. She is just a means to end at the moment. Not a lasting, loving relationship. And having to be there, the little that I am, forces me to deal with some of the most taxing type of people. These are the things that I am constantly shouting in my head when I am talking to some of them:

Temp: Speak up! YES! You can ask me a question, and you don't always have to ask if you can ask a question before you ask a question. AAAHHHHHHH!!!! And, FYI, it's Bergdorf Goodman, not Bengood Gillman. Idiot!

K: Shut up! Quit being so loud and obnoxious. Yes, we all see you. ALL the attention is on you. Happy? Oh, and bring me my Chobani! Who steals some one's yogurt. You freak! Oh, and answer your darn phone! Quit taking 3 hour naps at work! And bring your key, I am not opening the door for you anymore, especially because you have a bladder of an 89 year old woman who birthed 20 kids. Oh, and PS-your rude!

D: Go back upstairs! You are not that special. You are not Ramona Singer! Stop acting like it. And your not all that funny either. I laugh at you when your NOT trying to be funny, not the other way around, so don't get it twisted! Oh, and no one cares that you live in Queens!

C: Quit being nasty. No one wants to hear dirty stuff all day long. We all get it. You used to be heavier, now your skinny and a big flirt, congratulations to you.....(eye rolling sarcastically)

Food, my only friend in the world. How good you are to me! Your mac and cheese was just what I needed. And my Ben and Jerry's, the two men in the world who will NEVER let you down, was just heavenly. I vaguely remember myself being such a positive, happy girl. I don't get it. What happened? Now, the things I hear the most is "why are you so mean?" and "geez! what is that look for?" Listen people, I'm sorry! 96% of the time, I am NOT TRYING to be mean. But, have you ever stopped to think that when a person is trying to be good and nice but she keeps getting the "mean card" slapped in her face, that might, just might, effect her mood? You haven't? Jerks! The best I can give you right now is that I'm working on it. I am a constant work in progress. And you can ask anyone who I have hurt in the past, I am not too good for apologies.(also this little tidbit should go down on the pros side of the list of just how NOT mean I am. A mean person would never apologize. 'nuff said!) And as far as all the comments about by face. I can't believe I even have to explain this one. I'm sorry, but who loves hearing that there is something unpleasant about their face? Jerks! I am NOT giving a look, so apparently that is just how my face looks! Leave it alone! Quit bringing it up. And even IF I WAS giving a face, why would you want to push the issue. Wouldn't my look trigger something in that pea-size brain of yours to back up and run for cover? No? Idiot!

Also, major love to people who hand out unsolicited dating advice. Wow, you are a special brand of people aren't you? I particularly love when you use big words, and confusing little illustration to try to prove your moot point. So let me get this straight, according to you, I need to be the one trophy that makes him be like Yes! (???) Because the more numbers the higher the value? And I need to string along a bunch of guys because if they know other dudes are creeping in on their territory, their love will be much deeper and sincere? Really? Are you kidding me? Who asked you? Newsflash: I AM NOT DATING ANYONE! And even if I was, I still would not agree with a single thing you said. The cherry on top was when you told me that it's all my fault, my problem! Wow, what big balls we have! What exactly is my fault? The fact that I am not dating anyone? Yes, it IS my choice not to be in a relationship. My fault/my problem that crazies such as yourself give me the strangest "advice"? Nope! Wrong! Not my fault in the slightest. I did not ask for it. And, I'm sorry, "the more numbers the higher the value" What is that? If you have more of anything it makes it LESS special. That is why when something is RARE or ONE OF A KIND, it is held with such high regard and worth way more. Did you follow me on that one? No? Okay, well how bout you go find the rest of your crew and jump into the mystery machine to go save other people from irrational, and absurd trouble.

You will not win day! Just give up! Take out that little white flag of yours and wave it for all to see. Now I cannot think of a better way to celebrate my victory then having a nice glass of red wine. Even though I will have to use my Pyrex measuring cup because our 2 glasses are dirty, and I don't feel like washing dishes, and all the rest are already packed up. But I'm not ashamed, I STILL win!;)

Busted, Not Broken

Hey button faces, I hope all is well with all my adoring readers (:D) because sadly it is not so much smile times for me. It is about that time for an annual Kula family breakdown. Yay! With the main players, reprising their coveted roles, my unbelievably evil and chemically imbalanced sister, Sarah and my emotional mother. To say that the biggest mystery in life is trying to understand why Sarah has this inexplicable, blind, and vengeful hatred for my mother would be an understatement. She is sending all these tidal waves of pent up anger and unhappiness at full force to my mother, who has-on top of which-has had about 6 crap storms, one right after the other. The supporting roles are filled by my father: The Hermit. John: The Acting Strong One. Matt: The Most Irritating and Useless Living Thing On This Planet (I'd rather be related (by law!) to the Ebola virus, or termites, or a steaming pile of doo-doo!). Isabella: The Innocent Little Girl. Gabriella: The Newest Leverage in My Psychotic Sister's Mind.

Then there is me, 5 whole states away from this madness, but still feeling its effects. I laugh, because I have been wondering, "why is proving to be such a challenge to try to figure out when I can go home for a visit?" Ding-Ding-Ding! Because, you do not need to be involved in whatever is happening over at 520. Something bigger than you knows that stuff needs to be worked out over there and then you can go home. Knowing this helps, but only to an extent. It would help if I did not know them, but I do, I know them all too well. I can perfectly picture my father deep in hiding mood, my mother strung out completely and I can feel her heart tearing with each passing breath, Bella I can picture being fearful and so confused as to what is happening. And all of that is heart breaking for me.

It is taking so much of my strength not to get on a plane back home to go find that sister of mine in a dark alley and beat her to a pulp. Then, search for that useless brother in law and rip that precious Star Wars tatoo right off of his flesh! It is such a wonder how in the world these two twisted, sick, miserable people found each other. Combined and they are Satan in the flesh. And I really want to tell you something, but since you are not answering your phones (and besides that I should stay out of it) If you want to go a live a white-trash, Jerry Springer lifestyle, and getting the police called on you and your in laws at the Applebee's in Monroe, MI: then by all means, DO THAT! Just leave us out of it. Go do you, and leave us alone. And for goodness sakes, GET OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE!!!! And if you ever, EVER, threaten someone else in my family again, I will be on you so fast that people will think that you too got attacked by a drugged up chimp who proceeded to rip your face off! Got it?

Introducing Mr. Unexpected-Confident-And-At-Times-Shy-Interesting-And-All-Around-Confusing-And-Strange-And-Throughly-Frustrating

nervous belly

In the ever true words of Liz Lemon, "Blurg!"

Hey buster, I'm about done. Thanks to you I have officially become a crazy, neurotic (added to what already existed), completely confused, and unimaginably frustrated, pathetic girl! Are you happy with yourself?!!? I'm not like this, I don't know how to be "this girl". It is especially anger inducing when I see you and you appear to be all calm, cool, and collected-not having to suffer a single drop of our......well precisely! Whatever "we" are! While me on the other hand is practically on the verge of vomit about every 12 minutes. I hate to admit it, because it will make me appear to have lost all good sense and better judgment, and will pin the pink star of "typical, stereotype girl" on me, but, because you refuse to lay down some serious truths you make me resort to playing this all out in my head. Which, for your information, in case you care, is completely exhausting!

And just so you know, you are turning out to be one of the most frustrating, yet verbally matching individuals I have ever met! The thing that gets me is that you have the skills of saying things just the way they need to be said, when they need to be said, I've witnessed it. It's partly what makes you interesting. However, oh boy how big of a HOWEVER that is turning out to be! You've been having these moments of complete silence, all directed towards me! I don't get it! I mean, I can take a hint, alright so a guy suddenly stops talking to me, fine, you've lost interests, I get it. But, a ha! The always elusive, and honest, and mysterious and oh so powerful but....What was I saying? Oh yea, but, so you don't talk to me, but you continue to stare, and you get as close as possible to me and talk to EVERYONE around me, but will omit little ole me. But you will stare. Is this staring supposed to somehow magically get me under a spell to come up and do all the talking? If so, NOT WORKING! It's just pissing me off. I consider myself a rather exceptional conversationalist. So by you not talking to me, really hurts me feelings (the little that I have). When I catch you staring I am almost always on the verge of screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?"

There in lines the truth: What do you want from me? Can you honestly say that you have no feelings for me whatsoever? Why is it that you treat me differently than everyone else? I have a feeling that if I confront you, there is a possibility that you will try to back peddle of out it. I know that you are currently enjoying your singleness, as am I. I know you say that you freak out in relationships, as do I. But all that is dancing around the issue. Do you like me or not? It is possible to still like someone but not be ready for a relationship. Because, and here it is, if you can honestly tell me that you have no feelings for me, then I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Stop seeking me out at parties and talking to me forever. Stop making me laugh. Stop laughing at my jokes. Stop being able to keep up with me on a conversational level. Stop putting me in my place when I need it. Stop making me feel like a monster when I get a little upset with you, most of the time it is justifiable. Stop the needless always needing to take my hand. Stop saying things like "when are we gonna get to know each other" and "does that mean I'm not your favorite person anymore?" and "yea, I got your memo, I took it out of my back pocket and read it", I mean COME ON! And please stop the staring. Because, if you cannot handle to give me the decency of a few pure, raw, and honest sentences about your feelings, then you don't deserve to be able to do any of that stuff to me.

Now, if you would excuse me, I think it is about time to emotionally vomit, yet again!

I Love The Rain The Most

It is raining in New York City. It has been raining since Tuesday (or possibly Monday night and I was too passed out asleep to notice). To truthfully honest: I do not hate the rain. Sure, it is a pain to try to avoid all the massive puddles everywhere. And trying to juggle holding your bag, the newspaper, an umbrella and a green tea all while trying to talk to your mother on the phone does present some complications. But all things considered, I kinda like the rain. I could see thought how one bad day could turn this into a love/hate relationship, but we will cross that bridge, when and if that day ever comes. I have some favorites that I always want to do on a rainy day, and they are as follows:

• sleep in. sleep all day if that is an option. the rain is the world's most perfect sleep inducing thing. it is nature's lullaby:)
• wear really baggy sweats, including thick chunky socks (think 90's-Alanis Morisette-esque!) and make it a goal to stay inside all day.
• things to do while inside all day-watch One Fine Day, Stepmom, The Godfather Part 2, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, Guys and Dolls, Manhattan Murder Mystery, or a Freak and Geeks marathon.
  
• your rainy day play list should consist of Miles Davis, Edith Piaf, St. Vincent, Jens Lekman, U2, Feist, David Gray, Bright Eyes, and early Dashboard Confessional.
• cook! bake! whatever is it, just create food. I'm think chicken and dumplings, some type of pie, cupcakes, even bread, lovely and glorious, BREAD!
• if you must go out, please wear weather appropriate clothing, not something that will be completely ruined from a single drop of moisture.
  
• places to go to during a rainy day: a bookstore, museums, art galleries, the public library, a bakery, walk the Brooklyn Bridge
• all I want to do right now is curl up with my sweats and a glass of red wine and get lost in a book in front of a fireplace.
  

Quote

" Thro' the stillness of the night, love,
to a heart that's longing for you;
Swiftly as a bird in flight, love,
Fly, my darling, fly to me.

Oft' when twilight shades are falling,
I can sense your presence near me;
And your sweet voice softly calling,
Calling to me tenderly.

When my eager arms enfold you,
Never more to let you fly away;
Dear, forever I will hold you,
To my heart, Eternally."

Manu Rere (Maori love song)

Quote

"If beauty is a tender succulent plant, then eyes are two bright flowers crowning it. Eyes are a pair of kingly stars glittering through the deep heavens; two precious stones that adorn the crown of love and beauty; two bright windows overlooking the garden of the soul.

Eyes are two pages from a sacred book, full of words of excellence, and written into them with words of light are the the realities of life, the secret of the heart, and the inner mysteries of the conscience.

I wonder what other vestiges of the soul, what other heavenly books there are, which are more expressive, more beautiful, and more enchanting than eyes.

One of eyes' wonder is that, like gems, they go with every color. Some are black like jet; some are blue like turquoise; others resemble the eyes of an eagle shining like rubies."

Abdullah Goran-Eyes

Quote

"He stood erect-as a peg top does so long as the whip keeps lasing it. He was modest-thanks to a robust conviction of his own superiority. He was unambitious-all he wanted was a a life free from cares, and he took more pleasure in the failures of others than his own successes. He saved his life by never risking it-and complained that he was misunderstood."

Dag Hammarskjold-Markings

Quote

"At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned her despairing eyes upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it to her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning, as she awoke, she hoped it would come that say; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always saddened, she longed for the morrow."

-Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

Log Entry 1: To New Beginnings

Dearest Diary,

Congratulations! You made it! Woo-hoo! (streamers exploding, fireworks lighting the sky, crowd carrying you on their shoulders, shouts of your name filling the air) Ah. Good. Got that out of your system? Okay, I good, cause I have some news. It is September 1st. Time to start ALL over again. You better take a deep breath baby, its square one that appears right before you. But, have no fear, you can do it! This time around you know what to expect, and you are much wiser (ha!) and have more experience (true) this time around. It is going to be fine. F-freaked out, I-insecure, N-neurotic, and E-emotional. Yep! You are going to be just f-i-n-e!

Now could we be freaking out that we are almost in the exact same boat as we were this time last year? Sure. Are we going to be?........I really want to say no. Okay, so I will, NO! It is no big deal that you still do not have the exact job that you want. But you are making it work. It is no big deal that you have to move again, the exact same time you had to last year. Which okay, let's allow ourselves the pleasure to have a giant gasp about how freaky the time lines are resembling each other. GASP! But, this time it is different. There is no "couch crashing" in your future. You know exactly where you are going. It worked out perfectly (relatively speaking of course)!

Now could I be feeling insecure? Of course! I am a girl. One of the perks of having a vagina is having the right to be insecure whenever I darn well feel like it! But, I am not an insecure person. I am using this term as it applies to being anxious and uneasy, when it comes to my trip back home. Don't get it twisted. I LOVE my family. They are so much a part of me it is ridiculous! However, my 1st trip back home was not the best. I was so frustrated and annoyed. It did not feel like the "home" I was used too. So much had changed. Were you stupid to think that you could leave and move on with your life and everything back home would just stay exactly the same anxiously waiting for my return? I think not! I blame movies for this unrealistic depiction of the coming home montage! I just remember thinking, "I cannot WAIT to get back to New York. I do NOT belong here anymore!" Then, the 10 hour car ride back came. Oh vey! What a doosie that turned out to be! Question: Have you ever sobbed for 8 hours straight before, in a car, all by yourself? Yea. I hadn't either until that horrendous day. I forever hate Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey because they saw Amanda breakdown and cry. All the sudden, a huge tidal wave of hurt and sadness, and fear, hit me at about 4 am as I was passing over the state line. And hot, ugly, ginormous tears followed soon after, seeming to have an endless supply. I couldn't even really tell you why I was crying. It was a combination of so many things. The biggest was the frustration that I no longer had a home. The only home I had ever known was no longer there. And my new home was so temporary, and transitional, and not mine. So after all that being said, am I anxious about going back home again after all that hot-messness? Heck yes!

Now what could we be neurotic about? Ha! Seriously? What kinda question is that? Let's rephrase that to what don't we have to be neurotic about? I love you, but surely you must know that we are a crazy girl! But it is such an endearing quality (cough). I cannot tell you not to over think everything and anything, because let's face it, I know you too well to know that won't happen. But let's try keeping it in check. Maybe only do that with one thing a day. And let's try not to get all Joan Crawford on the guy at the deli when he puts a whole container of cream cheese on one side of your bagel and not a single drop on the other! "NO INCONSISTENT CREAM CHEESE EVER!!!!!!!"

Now what could we be emotional over? Eh'hem...see previous paragraph. But here is the big thing. How about we try not to be emotional over the fact that we are a tad bit (un pequito) emotionally strange. In this day and age, who isn't? So you don't quite understand why you feel the way you. Not the end of the world. And here is the BIG one. Stop agonizing over whether you like said boy or just the idea of him. If you like him, you will know. Done and done.

Also, lets try eat a little bit better, re cultivate some of our domestic skills, and do a change up/makeover with our style, shall we? I'm in! Sounds good to me too! Splendid! This is going to be our year. Cheers! Oh, champagne! Don't mind if I do:)