Birthday Suits and Hair Removal

So last night my roommate witnessed a full on nude lady walking the streets of Brooklyn. Butt naked! Well, completely naked except for the shoes she had on. Heels to be exact. She was seen walking across the intersection of Smith and Bergen, arm in arm with a fully clothed woman. And for whatever reason, I am so intrigued by this. I had so many questions that I desperately seem to need answers too. Who was this woman? Why was she naked? Where was she coming from? Where was she going? Who was the fully clothed lady? Was she crazy? What did her hair look like? Was she wearing jewelry? Did she have makeup on? To my despair, my roommate gave the "I don't know" answer to most of these questions. COME ON!!! You can't drop a bomb that you may or may not have had a run in with a nudist in New York City and not have any more details for me! Or at least elaborate and lie to me just for the heck of it! So for all my friends that I know want all the juicy facts, so we can later conspire as to what actually took place on a Wednesday evening, here they are:

There was a lady, in her 30's, dressed nicely, average prettiness, walking arm in arm with a lady in her 40's, who was naked in heels. The said nude person acted as if not a single thing was out of the ordinary. She was not talking loud, or drawing any more unnecessary attention to herself. She seemed unbelievably normal, besides the fact that she was wearing her birthday suit out and about. She was neither overly skinny, or fat by any means. My roommate caught the backside of her and said she looked pretty good considering her age. And for reasons I'm not even too sure of, this mysterious naked woman instantly became my idol! I mean, how can you not cheer for some naked 40ish year old woman walking the streets like she straight owns them! The confidence on her! Bravo, naked lady, BRAVO! I fear I maybe have one or two (maybe) more dimples on this backside of mine than what would merit a body deserving of showing off to to the Big Apple.

And this is just a side bar, but does anyone else get extremely angry or find it hysterical when you are getting your eyebrows done (either waxing or threading) and then they ask if you want your upper lip done too? What are you implying here? Are you saying that my upper lip is somewhat resembling that of a hipster wannabe? Wha?!?! Sometimes that comment ruins my day and other times it makes my day. But mostly I want to shout HECK NO you are not going to thread my peach fuzz!!!! I would rather have nails driven under my nail beds. A part of me thinks that my new naked idol friend would sit her cheeks in that chair and take it like a champ that she is......

An Affair to Remember

Confession: I have a love affair, every year. More precisely, every winter. For whatever reason, whenever this love of mine comes rolling back into my life, I easily get wrapped up in it. I can't help it, I. Am. Addicted. I can be going on with my life as normal, and then with just a sudden shift in the atmosphere and magically, once again, making an appearance in my life in all of it's white, glittery, goodness that is my love: SNOW!

Ever since I can remember, snow and I have had a thing going on. I feel as if I was born with some kind of snow radar. My body senses when snow is on it's way. I can count a handful of times when I have woken up in the middle of the night just knowing that it was here, and sure enough I would go to the window and see it in the midst of it's first glorious and beautiful fall of the year. Can anything be any more breathtaking than a midnight snow falling? I think not. It makes me so happy. I get angry when people complain about how much they hate snow. That is like saying how much you hate, puppies and their adorable little butts, or baby giggles, or if you are Kia-any baby animal in a diaper. Snow is wonderful, and amazing, not something deserving of hatred. And if you hate it so, why in the world do you live in an area that has it 3-5 months out of the year? You don't like it? Fine, you don't have to live here.

I am always so sad that snow does not immediately come on December 1st. But when it finally does, I feel as if it has arrived just for me:) It makes everything better. It blankets over all your worries, and concerns with it's wonderful fluffiness and assures you that all will be okay. It gives you a white, blank canvas to start over. I am in desperate need for my one true love to make it's way back into town and into my life, quick! I want to fall into it and be swept away the only way that snow can.

Exhaustion From the Depths (Or How a Non-Cryer Has Spent 2+ Weeks as a Weepy Mess)

Just as a side-note, the title of this post is not an over dramatization. I have quite literally, and pathetically (I might add), been on the edge of a sob storm at any moment of any day ever since I've gotten back from Michigan. And, I don't cry. Ever. To borrow a line from Julia Roberts, "I think there is a good possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up!" I have fallen into the deep pit that is my family and all of it's madness and antics and I haven't been able to escape back out of it. On one hand, it is not completely their fault. I am a big girl now, I can say no and yes, and can make decisions about my life all on my own. It's not as if someone has forced me to get involved in all the saga like plots that have fallen upon my familia. And no one else is controlling the way that I am choosing to deal with it. My state of being an emotional voided rebooting zombie robot who pushes people away is something that I came up with all on my lonesome. (proud smile) So DON'T try to copy it, I've got it Trademarked! So you will have to pay me handsomely if I find out that you are shadily stealing my coping mechanisms! Okay, so yea, yea. It's not COMPLETELY their fault. But in some ways it IS their fault. (John, if you are reading this, please stop right here. Know that I am not talking about you, just the two other grown ups and that crazy loon of a sister)

I have come to the conclusion that there are times when life is just so not fair. Now I'm NOT talking about when you want to throw yourself a good ole fashion pity party and have a big tantrum about how life is just so unfair to a little beautiful princess like you! (gag) However, I am referring to those crystal clear moments when the sun hits everything just right and for but an instant you see how blindingly unfair and complex life can be. So basically, to fill you in, I went back home, not for me, but for my family. I went there so I could, to quote my mother, "You need to come here to encourage your Dad, and John, and me! We NEED you here!" And so I went. I went to live up to the role I so stupidly assigned myself as The Protector. I went because my family seemed so desperate for me to be there. I went because this is what I do, Amanda goes and holds it together so everyone else can fall apart. I went because I am an idiot. The only reasons that I went for my own selfishness was to see my brother, and to go through all my crap that was still there. (Sidebar-I am happy to report that I officially have nothing left in Michigan!)

Being there, I got to witness first hand what an anxious ball of nerves my father has become. I have never seen him look so old before. He would sit in his chair with his jacket on, hat on, and shoes on-being fully ready to move into instant action IF the moment ever called for it. He would jump at the slightest noise, and scope out every car that would drive by. He would not just relax. The saddest thing about it all, my dad made zero time for me. And zero effort in even acting like he wanted to spend time with me. So my mother pleading that my father "needed me", a lie perhaps? Yes, he did the quintessential him, and drove me back and forth to my ride, but that was it really. Even when he 1st picked me up, we were in the car not even 5 minutes when the phone rings and he picks it up and proceeds to have like a 7 minute non important conversation, neglecting to tell his friend "Hey, Amanda just got in. I'll call you back." Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I get it, I know there is a lot of big, monumental things taking place in Monroe, but you haven't seen me since March, and you complain all the time about how much you "miss" me, and then I am finally right here, for you, and nothing. Even just sitting with you in the living room for those 12 minutes waiting for Mom, you did not have one single thing to say to me except, "I don't know sometimes, Amanda. I just don't know." Well, right back at you Pops! I don't know about you either. And that hurts.

Then there is the complex and fantasy living creature: my mother. Sometimes she has this special way about her that in a matter of moments she can go from the most dramatic to most level headed person in the world. My whole life I have been plagued with the feeling that no matter what I do, my mother will never be satisfied with it. She is un-satisfiable in so many ways. (I have a sneaking suspicion that at times.....I am like that also. Dang it!) She also has the skills to somehow twist and turn everything around, and make it about her. It truly is an art the way she does it. And you just know, right when you are in the middle of it, and you watch it all unfold in front of you in the beautifully tragic way. Somehow you saying, "I can't handle this because of X, Y, and Z" ends up with her in an emotional rant about all that she does and has done and how she is on her last nerve, and you feeling like a complete monster. The truth is, not EVERYTHING is about you. Have you ever really heard what I am trying to tell you? Do you ever just listen to what your children are saying? There are some truths at the heart of it that I think you need to hear.

I love my family. There is no denying that. We all collectively share one heartbeat. But I am angry at some of the things they choose to be and do. I dropped everything in New York to go home and hold my family's hand. Then when I return back to my life in the wake of all that has happened, and I don't know how to register all the things that I am feeling, who is here to hold my hand? Where are you guys when I need you? You were up my butt for like 2 weeks before I came, pressuring me to come, and now that I'm back home, nothing. Not a phone call, not a text, email, SOS, smoke signal, snail mail, carrier pigeon....nothing. The kicker is that I can't even be 100% honest with you, because if I was to tell you, "no, I'm not doing alright", you would not be able to handle it. I realize now that that is most likely the reason why you don't truly ask. You are afraid of what the answer might be. And how do we operate in a world where I do not have it together? I don't know. I've been struggling with that ever since I left. Guess what? I am not okay. I don't even know where to begin fully in all the things that are so NOT okay with my life currently. And the one people that I would like to count on right now, my family, I can't. See, life is so not fair. Hence, why when I start to feel like a confused mess of a stranger to myself, I push people away. I retreat.

When you get broken, it is easier to start seeing the cracks in the foundations all around you. I push because I am scared. I scared at what I may say or do that could potentially hurt you. But mainly, I'm scared that you could hurt me. Such is life to be let down by the ones you love the most. In my mind though, if I keep you at a safe distance, you can't let me down. You can't hurt me. It's funny, because by doing this, to keep hurt away from all players I might add, I still end up hurting people. So on top of everything else, I must now go around handing out apologies to people and promising soon I will be back to normal just to make them feel better, even though I myself don't even believe the words I just said. I am worried that some of the people I considered to be true friends, in it for the long haul, the thick of it, rain or shine or hurricane, no matter what-they are there. They might actually be more like fair weather friends. Only in the relationship when it is most convenient for them. But when you are bottomed out and beaten up and the ugliest version of yourself, they are no where to be found. I don't need people too often, so when I do and they are not there, it stings. Stings like acid in a deep gouge in my chest cavity. I guess pressure is good if for nothing else but showing people's true characteristics. Maybe I just have the habit though of expecting people to be someone that they simply aren't.

Who's That Girl?

Let me give you a hint: It's not yours truly. Sigh. And, yes I know what you are thinking. YES! I am in fact in a funk, deal with it muchachos! I'm sorry, I don't mean to take it out on you, you did nothing wrong. My apologies. I suppose it would be rude of me to lay this all you before I give you any type of background explanation, so let me explain.......uh, er, let me sum up. Life has been less than amazing, more than frustrating, and all around exhausting. Family: Crazy/Complicated. Work: Monotonous and Unfullfilling. Personal: Terribly Lacking. Yep, all players are here and accounted for! Brace yourselves, I am about to get SUPER girly here. I am bummed out that I am not one of those girls that can make guys fumble and drool over themselves. Alright, yea I get it. I am not 6 feet tall, with legs for days and perfectly toned arms, and skin color that looks like I live on some island and have some type of "goddess-esque" air about me. But that's just it, I've NEVER been "that" girl. It has either a) never occurred to me before or, b) never bothered me before. Oh how I long for the days when I was blissfully unaware of what a plain-jane-dud-poison-to-men-girl I really am!

Debi made a comment to me, something on the lines of "do you think you are possibly one of those girls that always attracts guys?" And of course, my reaction was major denial, and laughter. (side note: I do not know how to receive compliments. You tell me my hair looks good, I'll tell you it's really dirty and disgusting. It's apparently a "problem") But my reaction was genuine. I don't think I am one of "those" girls who always seems to have a guy totally vibing on her. However, let's all be honest ladies, I think we all WANT to be that girl. And, in my case, even though I knew it wasn't true, I think I secretly thought maybe in SOME way, shape, or form, in an alternate universe, I was in fact one of those girls! Or at least, had the potential to become one. Crazy, I know. Geez Amanda, how do you fit thru doors with that ego of yours?!?? But then that got me thinking about all the supporting males that have been cast in the "love" section of my life and I have come to a very simple verdict. None of them have actually liked me. Now, don't go feeling all sorry for me or think that I'm just fishing for a compliment. Don't, and I'm not, honestly. Maybe this is just my insecurities talking, but there is that chance that I am unlikable. When I take a closer look, most of the so called relationships that I have had, have been played out mostly in me ole noggin. Maybe, just maybe things that go unsaid, aren't the most impactful simple truths that are the hardest to say, and need to be clung to like the last boat off the Titanic. Maybe they weren't said because they weren't there, they weren't felt. Simple as that.

It has been a very long while since I was told "I like you." And, I don't care how dependant you are, or how in order your life is, or anything else. Those three sweet words can do something truly beautiful to you. It's like a shift in the earth, now there is somebody who has studied you, looked you over, took much thought, and allowed its heart to attach itself to you and all your nonsense that makes up you. They are willing to look over all the mess and are willing to put themselves out on a line and confess that which can never really be taken back. They are sincerely intrigued by you. You feel like something, because someone else has picked you out. That feeling is matched by very few things in this world. But, oh wait, wait, wait there Ms. Kula!

When is the last time you've said those very words to someone? Yea, it's been awhile since that one too.

Hey all the fellas out there that truly want to help a girl out. I could use some advice here!

The Insufferable Child on the 4th Floor!

4J is PUSHING their luck! BIG TIME! Riddle me this: what kind of idiots who birth an obnoxiously loud spawn that does not have any other type of movement octave besides stomping, decide to rent an apartment on any floor above ground level? What kind of evil master minds do that??!? This little 3-4 year old beast that lives right above me does NOTHING but run and stomp from one end of the apartment, to the other, all the live long day! So there is no escaping it. If I am home and he is home, there is no where that I can go to get away from the psychotic tyrant that inhabits the space above me!

And seriously parents, what is the matter with you? Growing up we were never, let me repeat for emphasis, NEVER allowed to run in the house. And we didn't even have downstairs neighbors! Running in the house was not gonna fly with Sue Kula, uh-uh, no way! That, and slamming doors, and if she called you, you were not just supposed to shout "what?", you needed to go and see what she wanted. The parents living upstairs apparently have no concept of respect, kindness, or even proper apartment living etiquette'! Shame on them for not knowing or caring! By the sound of it, you are hoping to rear your child to become a dictator of some sort, judging by the way you excuse (encourage?) the stomps coming out of little feet. That brings up another point, he is such a small child, how is it physically possible for so much noise to be coming from something so small??

And somehow my roomie is completely un-phased by all the hub-bub upstairs. I don't know how that is even possible, maybe she is a robot. Great, so I have a stomping monster upstairs, and a mechanically engineered "thing" living with me. But anyways, my robot roomie says that it would be rude or "unnecessary" for me to be the little old lady that I desperately want to be and take out a stick and bang the daylights (ha!) out of my ceiling aka-their floor to let them know that I have HAD IT! And to knock it off! Rude? Really? THAT would be rude? Not the fact that their child's refusal to walk lightly like a normal human isn't rude? Me no compute that. I feel like a gentle reminder that there is a freakin' park right across the street, where homeboy can run his little heart out, is a nice, neighborly thing to do. You know how there is the Better Business Bureau, to keep businesses in check when they start thinking they do no wrong? I feel like initiating a Better Upstairs Neighbor Bureau, that can come in and shut them down when they be acting like straight fools! That seems like a lot of work. Is getting a law passed that occupants with children are only allowed to live in bottom floor apartments for the happiness and well-being of all, any easier? Or maybe I could somehow kindly let myself into the place when they are not home, this is not considered "breaking in" if it's for the right reason-I have that on good authority, and somehow lay down sound reducing padding across their entire apartment! Because folks, all Amanda wants to hear is the pidder padder of little feet, not the stomps of a T-Rex man baby monstrosity! Kula OUT!

It's 10 O'Clock, Do You Know Where Your Roommate Is?

I must confess, I am slightly worried. It is precisely 10:12 pm on a Tuesday night, and my roommate is no where to be found! So strange! Considering that around this same time last night she was sound asleep. I know this because I too may have been passed out hard close around that time as well. (No need for judgement. I love my sleep thank you very much. And am unbelievably proud that I strive to get the suggested amount of 8+ hours a night. Don't be jealous!)

I mean what could she possibly be doing? And why am I slightly jealous? I have this unsettling need to go out as well. Be a woman about town at 10:30 on a Tuesday night. I can see myself now, walking around this great city, totaling throwing caution to the wind about having an early morning tomorrow! I could be wild too! Oh! Is that how it's gonna be roommate? Are you trying to one up me??!!? You think your so cool cause you have plans on a week night? Your SO awesome cause you don't immediately start yawning like clock work at 11 pm? Hm! You better thank your LUCKY STARS that I just so happen to be exhausted beyond belief and have no plan to get out of my lovely and comfortable bed. Because if I wasn't, OH! Watch out girl! I can tear up a weekday night like no body's 'BIDNAS!

PS- I also had a thought that you are stranded in the park somewhere, or being chased by a crazy person, or stuck in an elevator or the train for hours without a bathroom or food. I really hope that is not true. Please don't be dead! Now I really do hope that you are living it up on the rooftop of the Waldorf shaking your tail feather with Vin Diesel or somebody. Please be having fun! But not too much fun, and just know that I could be having fun too on a Tuesday night-Your Have NO Idea!

Catalogs and Calculations

Random- [ran-duhm] adjective: proceeding, made, or occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern

List- [list] noun: a series of names or other items written or printed together in a meaningful grouping or sequence so as to constitute a record

Old vs New

• Old- Own bedroom with a door!
• New- Finally a big, comfy, much needed bed (Amanda like:))
  
• Old- The best shower head ever! I LOVE great water pressure
• New- Wi-fi. Meaning I can be anywhere in the house and be able to watch every episode of Toddlers and Tiaras that Netflix has to offer! (stop judging! I'm conducting a study on how psychotic parent's can be and this is part of my research!)
• Old- Never having to buy toilet paper or paper towel. (Roommate's got that Cosco card yo!)
• New- Right across the street from the park. Actually in my territory. Closer to just about everyone else.
  
• Old- Super close to work and Trader Joe's, and just about every train.
• New- Super cheap rent.
• Old- Skylight! And cable! Great neighbors!
• New- No time limit required!

Thought: is it add-ress? or ah-dress? Is my inner Midwest girl coming out?

Wishlist

• Start taking my vitamins again. As much as I hate to admit this, I sadly will not be forever young:( So I need to start tricking my body that it is and to hold on to our youth with the magic beans that are Chewable Flintstones vitamins!
• Read my magazines before the start of the month
• Get proper footwear for this coming winter in the city. Winter wet shoes. Winter dry shoes. Winter boots. Winter dress shoes. Winter dress boots.
  
• My dream job. (Please, please, please, please, plea......)
• Rediscover my inner domestic goodness. Get back in touch with my Nigella Lawson side. Have dinner parties!
  

I have just shy of 10 years left until I'm 30! Holy snikies! When did that happen???? Oh my goodness. I feel like I still have SO much I wanna do.....and now there is a time factor.....before I'm old and busted....and now I'm depressed.

Isabella: I love you so much. I hope you know that. Without you in my life I would have never known what it means to be an aunt to someone. To take care of someone, to look after them, and watch them grow. We kinda grew up together you and me. You came into my life when I was 14, and there is where you will forever stay no matter the distance between us. I hope for you to grow up a beautiful girl that focuses more on the inside then the exterior. Make opinions and feelings, and stick to your guns, be a little left of center-it's okay to be different (you will have a lot more fun that way) Don't forget the difference between right and wrong. I know some in your life will try to blur the lines between the two, but do what's right, no matter how hard that may be. Understand and apply what the words truth and honesty mean. Surround yourself with loving people who make you want to be a better person but who also stick to you during the ugly moments of life. Don't be afraid to be sad or scared or worried, or mad, but don't wallow in those emotions forever. Try everything in your power to be happy. Laugh (from deep down in your gut) every single day! Try to the best of your ability to find the good in people, and situations. Don't carry the weight of the world with you. Enjoy being a kid now, this is the only time you can be, and trust me, there will come a day when you will want to be 6 years old again SO BAD! I know things are a little rough right now, but keep that head up girl. Know that I think about you every day, and miss you like crazy. No matter what happens in life, know that you are genuinely loved by your family because you changed our world's forever. I never knew I could love someone I just met as much as I love you. Your my favorite ding-dong! And if you ever need to run away, you are ALWAYS welcomed to New York City to crash with your way cool aunt! I love you like I love farts baby doll! Here's to hoping to seeing you soon...

I Think We Should Go On a Break..

Let me just start out by saying that I love people. I really and truly do. I mean how big of a hypocrite would I be if I, a die hard Barbra Streisand fan, did not live by the mantra of "people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world!"?!?! That would be so very, very uncool of me to sing out those words, but not actually feel them. I want to do good ole Babs justice! Make her proud! People are the bread and butter of life! They make my world go round!

However, (ehem)......I think we need a break from each other. You know I love you, but lately I think our relationship has just turned toxic. More and more of you are becoming unbelievably rude and obnoxious, and so many different levels of annoying it makes my skin crawl. Whatever happened to common courtesy? Taking on more responsibility at work is not helping the situation. Having to talk to attorney after attorney, who are so high up their own butts it is any wonder they even know what fresh air smells like, really makes my day go so deep down into the pits I come out the other end looking and feeling like Eeyore. Listen up jerk wad! You are an idiot! We provide services for YOU, not the other way around. Tell me, is it really that difficult for you to tell me what address you are currently occupying? You don't even have to say that. All you need to say is Yes, or No to the address I just rambled off. You don't give out that type of info? REALLY?!?!?! How do your clients EVER find you, if you never tell anyone your address? You do realize I can just Google you right? What a genius you are to have passed the BAR but can't figured out how to use Google! You sir are a MORON! And I hereby delete you from our client list! Yea, that just happened! What are you gonna do about it? NOTHING, cause I won't give you my address! :P

Living in this city I think is adding to the pressure. I'm starting to feel it's not good to have so many people shoved and on top of each other in such a small square mile. My faith in humanity is very slowly seeping out of me with every backpack that touches me on the train, every person who suddenly stops short on the sidewalk, every person who shouts obscenities down my block at 3 am on a Tuesday night, and the countless rude things that come flying out of people's face flappers all the live long day! I just can't take it anymore. I barely had any patience to begin with, but all this extra crap is stretching that little bit, to it's absolute max! We are running on fumes here people! FUMES!

That is why I am suggesting a break. I know that I do love you, real deep down in my gut, or heart, or butt, or wherever. But right now, I just can't stand the sight of you. I know I want to spend forever with you. But right now, I need you as far away as possible. Just give me a little space to clear my head and to relearn all those reasons why I love you so much. So let's just leave it as a: I'll see you when I see you:)

Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man?*

*taken from the lyrics of Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow which I very heart fully would sing along with my mother while driving to Kroger when I was 12....and the words still apply today:)

Thank goodness for very attractive and assertive male actors. And for very talented and funny and endearing male writers. And for living proof, award winning husbands! You guys saved my life and brought me back to reality. Amanda almost made a BIG boo-boo. Word to the wise, boredom is like peyote to me: when it is in my system.....bad things happen. Now. we are not talking anything at a Hunter S. Thompson level. But I do act and think and probably look (emphasis on "probably" look, as it is mucho difficult for me to look anything less than exceptional!) very, very stupid. However, thanks to some real gentleman that have come on my radar I have been smacked into reality with a big sign that reads "Amanda, hold out for a REAL man, because believe it or not, they are still out there!" So I will no longer keep myself occupied with two bit losers who are the equivalent of white bread, and who cause more frustration in my life than anything else. Well, to you I say, "Good day, sir!" Be on your way. Keep walking, ain't need none of your kind around here.

Now because I am such a good friend, I will give you some of the things that helped me. First, enter Paul Newman. HELLOOOOO Paul Newman. What a man, what a man, what a mighty, mighty good man! Those piercing blue eyes and the air of confidence he has is crazy! His character Ben, in The Long, Hot Summer would have had me in love by the end of June! He knew he wanted Clara, and he was gonna have her. That's it! No ifs, ands, or buts about it! And talking about men, how about Robert Redford? Can I can a get a Hubble. He comes to her rescue, even when he doesn't have to. And he is not afraid to ruffle her feathers or to become genuinely irritated with her. And we can't even talk about men without bringing up the man of the hour: Ryan Gosling. He is a bona fided man! He has a legit personality, and it is consuming. Let's not even talk about how charming and handsome this man is (that is a whole post all on it's own.) But Lars gives the tiniest expression of caring and I go all weak in the knees!

I'm going to just put this out there: i love you Shane Nickerson! With each and every word that I read that you wrote makes my conviction to not get all wrapped up in a half man child that is seriously lacking in substance, that much stronger. Your Post about your kids are so sweet. You can tell that these little things are streaming out of you as if your heart melted, which mine does by the way, EVERY time!

And a big shout out to all the real life husbands that I know that are living like real men everyday! Kicking butt, getting things done. Still being able to maintain a sense of humor, quirky personalities, and handling your 'bidnas appropriately. (You've all scored some pretty amazing woman I might add as well. So kudos for that!) So, again, as a song somewhere, by someone once stated "I'm holding out for a hero!" Well, alright, maybe I should not be that diligent to not comply unless you wear stretchy pants, have a cape, and look totally different having glasses on, and can come to by rescue and whisk me away to the top of the Empire State Building.......but on the issue of being a manly man, and knowing what you want and knowing how to get it, and helping me get things down from the top shelf, or coming to my rescue with car trouble, or calming me down when I get all hyped up and crazy, and not being afraid to stand up to me, but still being gentle, on these things I WILL NOT budge! And I don't completely hate the idea of a cape......

In closing, thanks to all the real men out there that have proved to me not to settle. Thanks for doing you. And DOUBLE thanks for looking so good while you do it! Check you out! Go on with your bad self!

Love, Amanda Marie Kula (a REAL woman:))

'Til You Marry Me Bill

I. Am. In. Love.

Plain and simple. There is no escaping or denying it! I have found a person that makes my heart go boom-boom-boom. I suppose you want to know who my betrothed is? Well let's see. He is very creative, he had his own deign company that specialized in hats for a time. He attended Harvard. He has traveled the world. He knows just about every single socialite from Manhattan to Paris, but he could care less. He lives at Carnegie Hall. He is a photographer. His means of transportation is a bicycle. He wears the same blue vest just about everyday. And, he feels uncomfortable when a place is "too luxurious" for him. He is about 85 year old, and his name is Bill Cunningham. Yes, that Bill Cunningham.

Everyone already knows that there is a special little area of my heart that is like butter for super sweet, endearing, lovable older men. But Bill, he takes the cake! He might just be the absolute epitome of joy! And we all know how I could use more of that in my life! He loves capturing moments with his camera. And he is not fooled by copy cats. If he is not impressed, you will know. If he thinks you are fabulous, you will know. He does not care about the guest list before attending events. He will almost get hit by a cab so as to get the shot of the women in the amazing hat! And he will do this all with a big ole smile on his face. And he is unbelievably humble, he is not a sell out. In the movie Bill Cunningham New York you can see how he leads a simple life that is full of happiness. The best line ever was when he said that "I don't know how to work, all I know is how to have fun everyday!" In the movie when he was at Paris for Fashion Week, we see him just patiently waiting off to the side being completely overlooked until someone comes and pulls him in saying, and I quote, "the most important man in the universe" That is my love, the most important man in the universe! But I just loved how he wasn't all angry that he wasn't allowed in, and then NO ONE seemed to recognize him. Nope, not Bill. He just stood there and took what photos he could until he was allowed in. And bonus! He didn't have to sit at the end of the runway like all the other photogs. He got a front row seat baby! Talking right next to Anna Wintour. The best thing about him might be that he knows he is different than most other people, but he blissfully could not care less. Yep, that's my guy, the oddball, weirdo, who is having so much fun doing what he loves! Sorry ladies....he is mine!

A Rant and A Tangent for the Road

WARNING:I just awoke from a two and half hour angry nap. I have been trying extra hard to have a good day, but the universe is playing for pinks today! In the interest of full disclosure, Yes, I realize that there is a high probability of me taking back most of the things I say in this here post, at a later date when I am in a better mood and the sleep marks on my face go away. But for right now, this is how I see it.

This day needs to go back to Middle School and have the crap beat out of it from some freakishly big 12 year old that shows no mercy! Who does today think it's messing with!?!? Mama didn't raise no fool! I refuse, R-E-F-U-S-E, to let you get the best of me! But boy, do you have a lot of friends. Lots and lots of annoying, ugly, beefy friends.

Question, where did you meet the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wannabe that started my day of SO wrong this morning on the train? My guess is either at a plastic surgeon's waiting room where she awaited her appointment to get botox injected into her eyelids so as never to blink them again, or a sad, pathetic little lounge somewhere on the Upper East Side where she proceeded to get sloppy drunk off of Pinot Grigio. Either way, she was the worst. I cannot believe my worst "someone was staring at me the entire train ride" story is going to be about a seemingly normal looking woman, who after more consideration must have been heavily medicated OR mentally impotent. This woman straight stared for the whole 20 minute ride! And BONUS, was standing less than a foot away from me. Then, when I stared her down right back, it did not even seem to phase her. What is wrong with her? I should let you know, when I moved so as not to completely lose it, and I checked you hard on your left shoulder, that was on purpose. And that was minute compared to what I wanted to do. Let me give you a hint: digital orb extraction! When people stare, it does something to me that not a whole lot else does. It's like every sensor in my body flashes red with anger.

Oh, and your good 'ole pal the weather. What crawled up his butt and died? Does he suffer from long term memory loss? Or does he just not have a calendar? We are just a few days away from October, where we usually have crisp autumn days, where you can neither get too hot nor too cold. It is just right. So these two weeks of muggy, humid, 80 degree days where the sun never shines and the air is so thick and damp and there is a constant drizzle of rain like someone did not turn of the faucet completely-I have had enough of it! Especially because I held out to cut my bangs until the humid weather was done. So I did and the VERY next flippin' day you go all menopausal on me and decide to have another hot flash, that we all have to suffer along with you?!? You suck!

And your best friend, my job, what a absolute pleasure she is! Thine Enemy! Why can't she just leave it alone? Nothing needs to change. Keep it the same, everything is working fine. No need to get all temper mental. She changes her mood and her mind so much that we all suffer whiplash on a weekly basis. Look, I do not want more responsibility. I want to be able to peace out whenever I darn well feel like, without even a big deal needed. I do not want to invest anymore than I already have into this job. Because, after all, that is all she is, a job. Not my career. She is just a means to end at the moment. Not a lasting, loving relationship. And having to be there, the little that I am, forces me to deal with some of the most taxing type of people. These are the things that I am constantly shouting in my head when I am talking to some of them:

Temp: Speak up! YES! You can ask me a question, and you don't always have to ask if you can ask a question before you ask a question. AAAHHHHHHH!!!! And, FYI, it's Bergdorf Goodman, not Bengood Gillman. Idiot!

K: Shut up! Quit being so loud and obnoxious. Yes, we all see you. ALL the attention is on you. Happy? Oh, and bring me my Chobani! Who steals some one's yogurt. You freak! Oh, and answer your darn phone! Quit taking 3 hour naps at work! And bring your key, I am not opening the door for you anymore, especially because you have a bladder of an 89 year old woman who birthed 20 kids. Oh, and PS-your rude!

D: Go back upstairs! You are not that special. You are not Ramona Singer! Stop acting like it. And your not all that funny either. I laugh at you when your NOT trying to be funny, not the other way around, so don't get it twisted! Oh, and no one cares that you live in Queens!

C: Quit being nasty. No one wants to hear dirty stuff all day long. We all get it. You used to be heavier, now your skinny and a big flirt, congratulations to you.....(eye rolling sarcastically)

Food, my only friend in the world. How good you are to me! Your mac and cheese was just what I needed. And my Ben and Jerry's, the two men in the world who will NEVER let you down, was just heavenly. I vaguely remember myself being such a positive, happy girl. I don't get it. What happened? Now, the things I hear the most is "why are you so mean?" and "geez! what is that look for?" Listen people, I'm sorry! 96% of the time, I am NOT TRYING to be mean. But, have you ever stopped to think that when a person is trying to be good and nice but she keeps getting the "mean card" slapped in her face, that might, just might, effect her mood? You haven't? Jerks! The best I can give you right now is that I'm working on it. I am a constant work in progress. And you can ask anyone who I have hurt in the past, I am not too good for apologies.(also this little tidbit should go down on the pros side of the list of just how NOT mean I am. A mean person would never apologize. 'nuff said!) And as far as all the comments about by face. I can't believe I even have to explain this one. I'm sorry, but who loves hearing that there is something unpleasant about their face? Jerks! I am NOT giving a look, so apparently that is just how my face looks! Leave it alone! Quit bringing it up. And even IF I WAS giving a face, why would you want to push the issue. Wouldn't my look trigger something in that pea-size brain of yours to back up and run for cover? No? Idiot!

Also, major love to people who hand out unsolicited dating advice. Wow, you are a special brand of people aren't you? I particularly love when you use big words, and confusing little illustration to try to prove your moot point. So let me get this straight, according to you, I need to be the one trophy that makes him be like Yes! (???) Because the more numbers the higher the value? And I need to string along a bunch of guys because if they know other dudes are creeping in on their territory, their love will be much deeper and sincere? Really? Are you kidding me? Who asked you? Newsflash: I AM NOT DATING ANYONE! And even if I was, I still would not agree with a single thing you said. The cherry on top was when you told me that it's all my fault, my problem! Wow, what big balls we have! What exactly is my fault? The fact that I am not dating anyone? Yes, it IS my choice not to be in a relationship. My fault/my problem that crazies such as yourself give me the strangest "advice"? Nope! Wrong! Not my fault in the slightest. I did not ask for it. And, I'm sorry, "the more numbers the higher the value" What is that? If you have more of anything it makes it LESS special. That is why when something is RARE or ONE OF A KIND, it is held with such high regard and worth way more. Did you follow me on that one? No? Okay, well how bout you go find the rest of your crew and jump into the mystery machine to go save other people from irrational, and absurd trouble.

You will not win day! Just give up! Take out that little white flag of yours and wave it for all to see. Now I cannot think of a better way to celebrate my victory then having a nice glass of red wine. Even though I will have to use my Pyrex measuring cup because our 2 glasses are dirty, and I don't feel like washing dishes, and all the rest are already packed up. But I'm not ashamed, I STILL win!;)

Busted, Not Broken

Hey button faces, I hope all is well with all my adoring readers (:D) because sadly it is not so much smile times for me. It is about that time for an annual Kula family breakdown. Yay! With the main players, reprising their coveted roles, my unbelievably evil and chemically imbalanced sister, Sarah and my emotional mother. To say that the biggest mystery in life is trying to understand why Sarah has this inexplicable, blind, and vengeful hatred for my mother would be an understatement. She is sending all these tidal waves of pent up anger and unhappiness at full force to my mother, who has-on top of which-has had about 6 crap storms, one right after the other. The supporting roles are filled by my father: The Hermit. John: The Acting Strong One. Matt: The Most Irritating and Useless Living Thing On This Planet (I'd rather be related (by law!) to the Ebola virus, or termites, or a steaming pile of doo-doo!). Isabella: The Innocent Little Girl. Gabriella: The Newest Leverage in My Psychotic Sister's Mind.

Then there is me, 5 whole states away from this madness, but still feeling its effects. I laugh, because I have been wondering, "why is proving to be such a challenge to try to figure out when I can go home for a visit?" Ding-Ding-Ding! Because, you do not need to be involved in whatever is happening over at 520. Something bigger than you knows that stuff needs to be worked out over there and then you can go home. Knowing this helps, but only to an extent. It would help if I did not know them, but I do, I know them all too well. I can perfectly picture my father deep in hiding mood, my mother strung out completely and I can feel her heart tearing with each passing breath, Bella I can picture being fearful and so confused as to what is happening. And all of that is heart breaking for me.

It is taking so much of my strength not to get on a plane back home to go find that sister of mine in a dark alley and beat her to a pulp. Then, search for that useless brother in law and rip that precious Star Wars tatoo right off of his flesh! It is such a wonder how in the world these two twisted, sick, miserable people found each other. Combined and they are Satan in the flesh. And I really want to tell you something, but since you are not answering your phones (and besides that I should stay out of it) If you want to go a live a white-trash, Jerry Springer lifestyle, and getting the police called on you and your in laws at the Applebee's in Monroe, MI: then by all means, DO THAT! Just leave us out of it. Go do you, and leave us alone. And for goodness sakes, GET OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE!!!! And if you ever, EVER, threaten someone else in my family again, I will be on you so fast that people will think that you too got attacked by a drugged up chimp who proceeded to rip your face off! Got it?

Introducing Mr. Unexpected-Confident-And-At-Times-Shy-Interesting-And-All-Around-Confusing-And-Strange-And-Throughly-Frustrating

nervous belly

In the ever true words of Liz Lemon, "Blurg!"

Hey buster, I'm about done. Thanks to you I have officially become a crazy, neurotic (added to what already existed), completely confused, and unimaginably frustrated, pathetic girl! Are you happy with yourself?!!? I'm not like this, I don't know how to be "this girl". It is especially anger inducing when I see you and you appear to be all calm, cool, and collected-not having to suffer a single drop of our......well precisely! Whatever "we" are! While me on the other hand is practically on the verge of vomit about every 12 minutes. I hate to admit it, because it will make me appear to have lost all good sense and better judgment, and will pin the pink star of "typical, stereotype girl" on me, but, because you refuse to lay down some serious truths you make me resort to playing this all out in my head. Which, for your information, in case you care, is completely exhausting!

And just so you know, you are turning out to be one of the most frustrating, yet verbally matching individuals I have ever met! The thing that gets me is that you have the skills of saying things just the way they need to be said, when they need to be said, I've witnessed it. It's partly what makes you interesting. However, oh boy how big of a HOWEVER that is turning out to be! You've been having these moments of complete silence, all directed towards me! I don't get it! I mean, I can take a hint, alright so a guy suddenly stops talking to me, fine, you've lost interests, I get it. But, a ha! The always elusive, and honest, and mysterious and oh so powerful but....What was I saying? Oh yea, but, so you don't talk to me, but you continue to stare, and you get as close as possible to me and talk to EVERYONE around me, but will omit little ole me. But you will stare. Is this staring supposed to somehow magically get me under a spell to come up and do all the talking? If so, NOT WORKING! It's just pissing me off. I consider myself a rather exceptional conversationalist. So by you not talking to me, really hurts me feelings (the little that I have). When I catch you staring I am almost always on the verge of screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?"

There in lines the truth: What do you want from me? Can you honestly say that you have no feelings for me whatsoever? Why is it that you treat me differently than everyone else? I have a feeling that if I confront you, there is a possibility that you will try to back peddle of out it. I know that you are currently enjoying your singleness, as am I. I know you say that you freak out in relationships, as do I. But all that is dancing around the issue. Do you like me or not? It is possible to still like someone but not be ready for a relationship. Because, and here it is, if you can honestly tell me that you have no feelings for me, then I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Stop seeking me out at parties and talking to me forever. Stop making me laugh. Stop laughing at my jokes. Stop being able to keep up with me on a conversational level. Stop putting me in my place when I need it. Stop making me feel like a monster when I get a little upset with you, most of the time it is justifiable. Stop the needless always needing to take my hand. Stop saying things like "when are we gonna get to know each other" and "does that mean I'm not your favorite person anymore?" and "yea, I got your memo, I took it out of my back pocket and read it", I mean COME ON! And please stop the staring. Because, if you cannot handle to give me the decency of a few pure, raw, and honest sentences about your feelings, then you don't deserve to be able to do any of that stuff to me.

Now, if you would excuse me, I think it is about time to emotionally vomit, yet again!

I Love The Rain The Most

It is raining in New York City. It has been raining since Tuesday (or possibly Monday night and I was too passed out asleep to notice). To truthfully honest: I do not hate the rain. Sure, it is a pain to try to avoid all the massive puddles everywhere. And trying to juggle holding your bag, the newspaper, an umbrella and a green tea all while trying to talk to your mother on the phone does present some complications. But all things considered, I kinda like the rain. I could see thought how one bad day could turn this into a love/hate relationship, but we will cross that bridge, when and if that day ever comes. I have some favorites that I always want to do on a rainy day, and they are as follows:

• sleep in. sleep all day if that is an option. the rain is the world's most perfect sleep inducing thing. it is nature's lullaby:)
• wear really baggy sweats, including thick chunky socks (think 90's-Alanis Morisette-esque!) and make it a goal to stay inside all day.
• things to do while inside all day-watch One Fine Day, Stepmom, The Godfather Part 2, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, Guys and Dolls, Manhattan Murder Mystery, or a Freak and Geeks marathon.
  
• your rainy day play list should consist of Miles Davis, Edith Piaf, St. Vincent, Jens Lekman, U2, Feist, David Gray, Bright Eyes, and early Dashboard Confessional.
• cook! bake! whatever is it, just create food. I'm think chicken and dumplings, some type of pie, cupcakes, even bread, lovely and glorious, BREAD!
• if you must go out, please wear weather appropriate clothing, not something that will be completely ruined from a single drop of moisture.
  
• places to go to during a rainy day: a bookstore, museums, art galleries, the public library, a bakery, walk the Brooklyn Bridge
• all I want to do right now is curl up with my sweats and a glass of red wine and get lost in a book in front of a fireplace.
  

Quote

" Thro' the stillness of the night, love,
to a heart that's longing for you;
Swiftly as a bird in flight, love,
Fly, my darling, fly to me.

Oft' when twilight shades are falling,
I can sense your presence near me;
And your sweet voice softly calling,
Calling to me tenderly.

When my eager arms enfold you,
Never more to let you fly away;
Dear, forever I will hold you,
To my heart, Eternally."

Manu Rere (Maori love song)

Quote

"If beauty is a tender succulent plant, then eyes are two bright flowers crowning it. Eyes are a pair of kingly stars glittering through the deep heavens; two precious stones that adorn the crown of love and beauty; two bright windows overlooking the garden of the soul.

Eyes are two pages from a sacred book, full of words of excellence, and written into them with words of light are the the realities of life, the secret of the heart, and the inner mysteries of the conscience.

I wonder what other vestiges of the soul, what other heavenly books there are, which are more expressive, more beautiful, and more enchanting than eyes.

One of eyes' wonder is that, like gems, they go with every color. Some are black like jet; some are blue like turquoise; others resemble the eyes of an eagle shining like rubies."

Abdullah Goran-Eyes

Quote

"He stood erect-as a peg top does so long as the whip keeps lasing it. He was modest-thanks to a robust conviction of his own superiority. He was unambitious-all he wanted was a a life free from cares, and he took more pleasure in the failures of others than his own successes. He saved his life by never risking it-and complained that he was misunderstood."

Dag Hammarskjold-Markings

Quote

"At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned her despairing eyes upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it to her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning, as she awoke, she hoped it would come that say; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always saddened, she longed for the morrow."

-Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

Log Entry 1: To New Beginnings

Dearest Diary,

Congratulations! You made it! Woo-hoo! (streamers exploding, fireworks lighting the sky, crowd carrying you on their shoulders, shouts of your name filling the air) Ah. Good. Got that out of your system? Okay, I good, cause I have some news. It is September 1st. Time to start ALL over again. You better take a deep breath baby, its square one that appears right before you. But, have no fear, you can do it! This time around you know what to expect, and you are much wiser (ha!) and have more experience (true) this time around. It is going to be fine. F-freaked out, I-insecure, N-neurotic, and E-emotional. Yep! You are going to be just f-i-n-e!

Now could we be freaking out that we are almost in the exact same boat as we were this time last year? Sure. Are we going to be?........I really want to say no. Okay, so I will, NO! It is no big deal that you still do not have the exact job that you want. But you are making it work. It is no big deal that you have to move again, the exact same time you had to last year. Which okay, let's allow ourselves the pleasure to have a giant gasp about how freaky the time lines are resembling each other. GASP! But, this time it is different. There is no "couch crashing" in your future. You know exactly where you are going. It worked out perfectly (relatively speaking of course)!

Now could I be feeling insecure? Of course! I am a girl. One of the perks of having a vagina is having the right to be insecure whenever I darn well feel like it! But, I am not an insecure person. I am using this term as it applies to being anxious and uneasy, when it comes to my trip back home. Don't get it twisted. I LOVE my family. They are so much a part of me it is ridiculous! However, my 1st trip back home was not the best. I was so frustrated and annoyed. It did not feel like the "home" I was used too. So much had changed. Were you stupid to think that you could leave and move on with your life and everything back home would just stay exactly the same anxiously waiting for my return? I think not! I blame movies for this unrealistic depiction of the coming home montage! I just remember thinking, "I cannot WAIT to get back to New York. I do NOT belong here anymore!" Then, the 10 hour car ride back came. Oh vey! What a doosie that turned out to be! Question: Have you ever sobbed for 8 hours straight before, in a car, all by yourself? Yea. I hadn't either until that horrendous day. I forever hate Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey because they saw Amanda breakdown and cry. All the sudden, a huge tidal wave of hurt and sadness, and fear, hit me at about 4 am as I was passing over the state line. And hot, ugly, ginormous tears followed soon after, seeming to have an endless supply. I couldn't even really tell you why I was crying. It was a combination of so many things. The biggest was the frustration that I no longer had a home. The only home I had ever known was no longer there. And my new home was so temporary, and transitional, and not mine. So after all that being said, am I anxious about going back home again after all that hot-messness? Heck yes!

Now what could we be neurotic about? Ha! Seriously? What kinda question is that? Let's rephrase that to what don't we have to be neurotic about? I love you, but surely you must know that we are a crazy girl! But it is such an endearing quality (cough). I cannot tell you not to over think everything and anything, because let's face it, I know you too well to know that won't happen. But let's try keeping it in check. Maybe only do that with one thing a day. And let's try not to get all Joan Crawford on the guy at the deli when he puts a whole container of cream cheese on one side of your bagel and not a single drop on the other! "NO INCONSISTENT CREAM CHEESE EVER!!!!!!!"

Now what could we be emotional over? Eh'hem...see previous paragraph. But here is the big thing. How about we try not to be emotional over the fact that we are a tad bit (un pequito) emotionally strange. In this day and age, who isn't? So you don't quite understand why you feel the way you. Not the end of the world. And here is the BIG one. Stop agonizing over whether you like said boy or just the idea of him. If you like him, you will know. Done and done.

Also, lets try eat a little bit better, re cultivate some of our domestic skills, and do a change up/makeover with our style, shall we? I'm in! Sounds good to me too! Splendid! This is going to be our year. Cheers! Oh, champagne! Don't mind if I do:)

We Shed What Was Left of Our Summer Skin

Summer is almost over with. How sad is that? It seems to have rushed by so fast. You remember as a kid that you lazed around for all of June, and then July seemed like you if you were gonna go on vacation-that is when you went. And then before you even knew it, August was knocking at your door with September following closing behind, completely uninvited. And then the night before school was to start you were completely miserable and almost on the verge of a complete breakdown, trying to rationalize how on earth you could get out of this impending doom and make summer go on forever? Well that, my friends, does not go away when you get older.

Since by the world's standards, summer is officially over and done with once the ugly, stupid, annoying, and bed-wetter "cousin" of all other dates, the always dreaded Labor Day is upon us. It's only a few measly days away and I feel the impending weight of real life approaching. This can't happen! I have not done most of the things that I wanted to do with you summer! No! I will not let you leave! I love you. I need you! Doesn't that mean anything to you? I'll do anything! What do you want me to do? Grovel? I can do that. (on my knees, eyes filled slightly with tears, hands together, looking up...and let the pleading begin) Please, please, please do not leave me. My life is empty and uneventful when you are not here. I know I don't always treat you right, or respect you. But I can change. I can learn to love all that is you, including the intense heat, the humidity, the smell you give this city, and all the sweat. I am addicted to you. You give me a feeling that nothing else can. When you are around the air is different, its filled with sweet smells, laughter, grasshoppers, and the gentle swishing of bicylces rolling by. You make my world bright. Without you, I am in darkness! Doing certain things is not the same without you around. Going outside is a task. The park isn't fun anymore. The beach, oh the beach, that is "our" place, I don't dare go there without you. People always comment on how I'm "glowing" when you are in my life, and I know it is because of you. In short, I am the best version of myself with you. Please don't take that away from me!

However, in the event that Summer does decide to leave me. I feel that I need to prepare myself. I will miss the warmth that the air brings. The sweet breezes that come at night. The feeling of wearing the perfect summer dress. All the outdoor events. The relaxation that a day at the beach can give you, that nothing else on this planet can do, it is like free therapy. The joy that comes with eating an amazing meal (or even the summer essential that is chips, guacamole, and a margarita) on a patio or rooftop! When you are here, the whole city changes, its like you force everyone to take a deep breath and just relax. But this is how you have been my whole life. You come, and rock my world, and just when I completely loose myself in you, you decide to leave. I know Summer promises that he will return and bring all of you back with him. But, the thought of loosing all of you is too much! Please, try to convince him to stay. The world is a better place when Summer is around.

Where Have All the Sam Baldwins Gone?

So what, you may wonder, is Amanda doing on a Friday morning at 11:22 on a day in August? Besides listening to the best online radio station EVER! (I created it to the mixture of perfection with Bob Marley+Feist+Foster the People+Santogold+Tony Bennet+Salt n Peppa+Black Keys+Jay-Z+Sade=Music GOLD!!!!!) (Also, props to Pandora for having the kindness to allow it's listeners with a wide range of musical taste (me!) to have a plethora of theirs faves to keep streaming at them all day long without judgment that yes, in fact I do wanna hear Kanye slay it, right after I hear Babs belt it!) And besides me having an ongoing argument with Basum (an annoying interpreter who is a pain in my tuchas!), he has said repeatedly that I am lying to him, and that Michelle is NOT in a meeting, and that she is just avoiding him. Nah, Mr. Paranoid, she is a manager, ssooooo...they frequently have meetings thru out the day. Also, as I side point, I know you don't know me all too well, but I would have no problem telling you that yes, she does not want to speak to you! And besides trying to deflect all the nervous energy over Hurricane Irene making her big city debut this weekend. This one is a bit scary, I will admit that. My Dad is permanently glued to The Weather Channel (as previous post stated) and has been calling and texting all these updates and wanting to know my game plan. Game plan!?!? Um, listen pops, Debi and I have a repeated date to go to the beach every single Sunday, so.....Ima gonna keep my word and hit that surf up! He, however, did not appreciate that joke. I cannot imagine why not. Easy up Pops! Don't be such a worry wort! But people are are starting to get paranoid, and in NYC, paranoia is worse than a bed bug epidemic. So here is my game plan, Dad-pay attention, I am going to pack a bag (filled with: laptop, movies, sweats, tuna fish, Oreos, toothbrush, and other essentials) and head over to Ian and Christina's and take shelter there for a day or two with Debi, Kia, and Bax-a-Frass! It might even end up being fun! I'm sorry, but with my positive attitude, who wouldn't want me on their emergency evacuation team?

But am I concerning myself with all that stuff today? Nope! Okay, well I guess I am, but only like 15% of myself is calculating all those things. Instead, the question of the day is: Why, oh why, did you (said boy from last post) not talk to me the other night? Me? Paranoid??!? Maybe. Just a tad. But I'm sorry, any other time we have seen each other, you seek me out and we talk. We've talked so long that others have even noticed that we are in fact still talking. And okay, yea, maybe because I did not fully know how to proceed from our previous conversation, I did not go up to you and initiate a convo. However, I got the feeling that you were intentionally NOT talking to me. Could I be making that up, in my crazy (cute) and neurotic (wonderful) mind of mine? Maybe. Maybe not. But immediately I thought of the rule from He's Just Not That Into You. A hybrid of rules #1&2- He is just not that into me if he is not asking me out/calling me. Grumble. I never ever! Let me repeat. NEVER, EVER!!! Wanted to be one of those girls that even knows all those dumb "rules", or even factors them into her life in any, way, shape, or form. Period. On the other hand... Aha! Yes, the other hand. Let's not forget about that other dude, shall we. Oh, other hand, how I love thee! It has been in my many, and insightful past experiences (that is a lie), that some times, not to be confused with all the time, but just some times, silence says so much more than words ever could. I say this because, I wanted to talk to you. But I didn't. Even more so, I wanted you to talk to me. And I'm pretty sure you could have picked up on that. Right? I mean guys can't be that dense. Right? Even though I felt you purposefully would not talk to me. I did still see you looking at me. More than once, or twice, or thrice....you get the picture. So why you looking if your not interested? Am I right? But let me give this buster a little tid bit about me and how I operate. If you keep this game up, I will get either a) bored or b) angry. Either outcome will eventually end in me completely erasing you off the map and acting like you do not exist. Harsh but true. I'm sorry, that is just how it happens. So do yourself a favor and actually activate that so called "game" you've been blabbing about before I end up like a Beyonce song to you, "I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had!"

Seriously, why can't life be like Tom Hank's character in Sleepless in Seattle? Do you remember when he was on the phone with the radio station talking about how wonderful his wife was? "Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic." Oh. swoon:)

The Tail End of a Bad Case of Verbal Constipation and Emotional Diarrhea

As the above has stated, I have been sick. But not a sick that I am used to. Actually, come to think of it, I am rarely sick (notice the lack of doctor's visits in the past...5+years) so really any type of sickness is not my forte'. As of late, its been that ole brain and that organ deep in my chest cavity...what's it called? Oh, yea, my heart, that have come down with a little something, something. It has been a while since these two have come under the weather at the same time. So as you can imagine, I am not quite myself.

Yes, let's just get it out of the way, this post is in fact about a boy. What else? I'm sorry. This has been a repeating topic in my life and it always confuses me, and this blog is where I talk about all my confusion, so----this is what you get! Deal with it, cause I have too! If you have read any of my previous post, I have said repeatedly that the options in the guy department are SLIM. I can without a doubt say that I knew maybe a total of 3 guys my whole life that were truly great. One of those is married already and the other 2 I do not know what happened to them. And that is fine. Really, and truly it is. I've never been one of those girls who cannot function on her own. Or who is so desperate to be married. Or who is such a huntress that every time she meets a male, she sizes them up for husband potential. Those women annoy me. But, let's not get off subject. All that means, simply, that I am not looking for anyone. It will happen when it happens.

This does not mean, however, that I do not think about, or wish (right in that moment) that I did have a little "sugar" in my life. Ha! Can I just say, it is so weird for even me to admit that to myself. Also, considering the fact that most of the guys I have met within this past year have been LAME! Not anything going on to make you stop and think, "oh!" Good looking? Sure! But they have nothing going on inside. No personality. They are just a shell of a person. And me, being the inquisitive child that I am, I like to dig real deep and open up people's brains and take a walk around. So when you are empty, there is no fun for me.

But dare I say, something has peaked my interests. Or should I say someone. Now, here in lies the confusion. Am I interested in you? Or, do I just like the fact that you are different and you actually have substance? I don't know. But here is what I do know. I have this slight giggly feeling about myself. I have been making sure my appearance has been not a total mess as it usually is. I have been thinking about some of the things you said, trying to see what you meant when you said, "when are we gonna get to know each other better?" And yes, I have had discussions with my girls as to what that meant too. Usually, I am a talker, but when conversing with you, I take a very active role in listening. Along with that, I have a rep for calling out people when they say certain things, but with you, its not until after that I go "wait! what?" I do wonder if you like me. Sometimes I think yes, other times I think not.

Okay, I got wrap this thing up, because there is just WAY too many feelings flying around here. I'm getting uncomfortable. So in closing, I know at times I carry myself like a dragon lady. But I'm really just a softy that has specific likes and dislikes. It might "seem" like I have my life together, but I do not. I'm just good at pretending and some times you need to lie to yourself so as not to freak out over every little thing. In short, I am not as scary and "put together" as I come off to be. You are interesting, and you do cross my mind. There I said it! And the absolute, purest truth....if you were to call me.....I wouldn't hate it.