Birds are stupid. I do not like them. They are not to be trusted. Anyone who has a bird for a pet is not my friend. You never know when they might just up and decide to attack you, and they are well prepared because they were made with tiny swords built right onto their faces. And HELLO?!?! They can freakin' fly! Which to us humans means they can stab us and fly away and how ever would we catch them?!?! I do not see the purpose of birds. As a very sensible person (see previous post) said once, "Robins are nothing but a bunch of red-breasted sluts!" And I think we can all agree on that.
Today I observed these dumb creatures while I amazingly enough had a few hours this afternoon after work completely free. I had no pressing things that needed to be done, no appointments to make, no rushing all over the place, it was great! I took that time to go to one of my favorite places on this planet (Brooklyn Promenade) and to lose myself in Jane Austen's Emma, as I am reading this to become a more refined, poised, wise lady;) And it was there as I was throughly engrossed with the dialogue between Ms. Woodhouse and Mr. Knightley and arguing who is more stubborn, and who is right and wrong, and anticipating the moment when they will finally realize they are a perfect match, that I was rudely interrupted by birds, to be more specific: the lowest level of this species, the pigeon.
And what, you might ask, was this dumb guy all in a tizzy over? Food, what else. But the thing is, I did not see any food on the ground. Truthfully I think he was picking up bits of dirt, and rocks, spitting them back out, searching out another area of grossness, and then back again to the same dirt and rocks, forgetting that he already tried those. Mind you, there was a few kernels of popcorn lying on the ground easily 6 feet away. But do you think the dumb thing saw that? Nope. Instead he wanted to continue to sift through the garbage that was right under my feet. Of course there were times when I just had enough and I would kick my foot, shoo him with my book and this would give me maybe 2 minutes of peace, before he was right back again. And I'm sure in his little pea size brain, each time he came back he probably thought he hit the jack pot of food possibilities, forgetting that he already tried that piece of poop, and again it was not a raisin, it was still in fact, a piece of poop. Maybe if you try it again it will be food this time, oh hey wait.....nope still poop. At that point I had completely lost my concentration in my book, I mean how can you become more refined and delicate when a pest is trying to eat dog feces and spitting it back out again so deathly close to your toes? Emma would have it no such way!
Then, enter stage right, a female shows up. She flew in, I imagine, searching for the same thing that I was there for. To just relax, people watch, catch up on her reading, and catch a little sun. She was so quiet, refined even, compared to the rest of her species. And wouldn't you know it, the dumb guy, who was all about eating fecal matter, suddenly forgot what he was even doing and decided to put on a show for the lady. I mean, in his mind that is what she was there for right? Why else would she come over here? To be left alone and just chill? NO WAY! She spotted me and my amazing skills in seeking out food and decided to come in closer for a better look at the goods! This guy changed so fast that I almost forgot it was the same bird. He puffed out his chest real big, started letting out the real deep coo, and drew back his wings, and dropped his tail so low that it was dragging on the ground, and started circling her. She ignored this at first. I think she was probably just hoping he would take the hint and leave. But no. The dumb guy just kept on. So then she, being the smart one. noticed the popcorn and went over the nibble on that. And he was on her tail the whole time, nagging and bothering her. He was trying to "pimp walk" and trying to make those coos a deep, sexy growl to get her attention. She was not having it. She just gave him this look that was in bird language "Nah, dude! Not happening!" But he really thought he was something. He would not leave her alone. Thinking he was "the cat's meow!" And she would be so lucky to get with me! Straight stud! He dropped his tail even lower and started circling even faster, to the point that his tail essentially became a broom, sweeping up all the crap that he attempted to eat a few minutes ago. And then, very elegantly she flew away, finally having enough of that circus show.
Dumb boy kinda just sat there for a little bit. Completely motionless. Then he shook himself off, going back to looking like he did when he first entered my life. Took a look around, and then thought, "Oh hey! Look a raisin!" It was at that moment that I thought how rituals of these creatures are not too different from those of the human species.
Fellas, and don't take this the wrong way, but some times you are pretty stupid. You don't learn from somebody telling you. You have to learn from trial and error, you have to actually experience something, even at times multiple times over. And why is it that you can rarely do more than 1 thing at a time? So easily distractible you are too. I mean, I get sidetracked pretty frequently, but you guys get completely off course, coming to a complete stop. How quickly you forget what it was that you were just thinking, saying, doing, all of the above. And heaven forbid you throw a girl into the mix, forget it! Your toast! That's it. Dunzo! Guys have this alter ego that they put on when the ladies are around. Some times it is down right laughable. Just like the dumb bird and his instant transformation, guys try to appear tougher, try to use all their best lines, and try to layer the swag on really thick. And you are persistent if nothing else. However, you cannot take a hint. Whether it is a hint where she is letting you know to back the (beep) off! Or, the hint where she is intrigued by you, and wants to know more. Both is lost on you. Instead you try to keep up your "cool guy" routine ignoring all signals that indicate whether she is interested or not. And some times dudes, just some times, girls want to be left alone. She came to the park to just be alone with her and her thoughts, not for you to try and get your mack on! But how resilient you are too. I have to hand you your props for that. You shake that dust off your feet after a rejection and you don't really seem to let it bother you a whole lot. However, why is the guys that are so strange (i.e. the dumb bird eating doo-doo) are the only ones who seem to be around and available, and not ashamed enough to try and pick a girl up? Seriously, where have all the good guys gone? It's looking like if a girl wants to get married, she will have to settle for a dudemeister, who wears his pants super low, and has tasted poop willingly....more than once. Sigh.
