Houston, We Have A Problem

Some times, self awareness can be a terrible thing. I think I fall somewhere in the Animal Kingdom as a creature who enjoys attention more than affection. Oh boy, once that was said out loud it sounds horrendous! It makes me sound like a slut, which I assure you I AM NOT! Let me try to explain this quirk I have. Let me start off with the NO's. I do not try to draw all attention on to me. I dislike it when idiots think that woman were put on this earth just for you to ogle at. Which speaking of, what are the deal with guys in the summer? Girls (most anyways) wear what they do to try to stay as cool as possible, not to make you can cat call them or harass them when they are just trying to get groceries. And in these warmer months guys seem to forget that a woman is made up of more than just her butt. All there eye lines are just butts 24/7. Okay, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. So I repeat I do NOT try to get attention like that.

I also do not flirt it up with every guy I see. Okay, I'm gonna tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone else. Promise? I, Amanda Kula, do not know how to flirt. (gasp!) I also usually have no concept that someone is flirting with me. At least not in that moment. A lot of times that realization comes way later. So with that said, now you know that I do not have about 5 guys I'm stringing along. I have enough friends who either have done that, or are currently doing that.

However, I do like the idea of a mutual attraction to someone. Why can't it be as simple as he likes you, and you like him? Done! Okay, what am I trying to say here? Let me put it like this: When said boy starts to change up the game, and makes it more and more obvious that he is thinking about you differently, but never actually says it, that is the "attention time" I'm talking about. All that mysterious, nervous, giddy energy but yet and still there is that comfort level there, those moments can be addictive. All those times that you know he is trying to spend as much time as possible with you, and trying to get to know as much about you as he can, and starts talking to his buds about you, and maybe even asks some of your close friends for intel-all that attention can make a person feel.....special (for the lack of a better word), and I get all wrapped up in it. But, sad to say, more often then not, when they actually step up to the plate swinging, and put it out there, that is when I fully realize that I did not really like them as much as I thought. I like the idea of them. I like the attention. But the reality is something different. And that is when I feel like a monster. Proceed to hang hand and walk sadly away while Charlie Brown music is playing.

How can I change this? Oh if only I had a fairy godmother! What's a girl to do? My sincere apologies to anyone who I have hurt during a process like the above mentioned. What can I say? I am one messed up, twisted girl with repetitive tendencies. The sad part is that I know if the roles were reversed, I would be livid! Somethings have got to change round here! Summer is the time when you shed layers and feel a renewal right? Sounds like I have a new mission, and I choose to accept it!