Flight or Fight

Quick! Your backed into a corner, decision time. What do you do?

I would say that my answer, about 89% of the time is fight, who would guess? But I can also think of those crystal clear few times when I choose flight, not so much in a "meta" way, but in that I physically removed myself from whatever was happening, and ran. I would say that most choose flight over fight. But not me, no way, I always have to do the opposite of what everyone else does. So what do I do? I cement my feet to the ground, stare the problem dead in the eye, and dare it, nay, taunt it, to hit me. Hm, I wonder if this is adding to the fact that I feel so tired all the time...hhmmmm, something to think about. Anyways, those few moments when I choose the flight option, it was as if everything got real still and slow, and I was overwhelmingly confused and anxious, and I headed for the nearest exit and sprinted out. Then, whatever the issue was, I would pretend it did not even exist.

What is the better of the two options? What is the deciding factor that makes people choose one over the other? Each have consequences. The flight option makes it difficult to live in reality. Your always picking up and running, not ever having to face what is real and what is happening now. Can a constant "flighter" know what perseverance or endurance is?

The fight option can make a person a bit...rough, for the lack of a better word. It can make you a bit headstrong, a bit dramatic, overly self-confident. Some times they feel like a superhero, like there isn't a problem that they can't fix, and that they don't need help from anyone, THEY'VE GOT THIS! But, the danger is not knowing the limits, these "fighters" are like a Pandora's Box, pushed to it's limit and it could get explosive. What shall a person do? Stick it out? Or, move along?

Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you???? (Ghostbusters)

The Adventures of a Regular Girl Working in the Interpreting World, Part 1

So I'm trying this whole new thing, something about a glass being half full, has anyone heard of this? So here it goes...sometimes my job can be not ALL that bad. Funny things happen quite often. And, if I'm being honest, I feel like my posts as of late have been a bit depressing, and blue:( So a dear friend suggested that I write about funny things about work. So I shall!

Let's start of with weird happenings today: Youree is listening to strange "music" that sounds like a mix between a Bollywood soundtrack, and Dolly Parton. She said it is to get her ready for a Maine party that she is going too. And that's it. I love how she feels that no explanation is needed. Sure, a Maine party, I go to those all the time! I know exactly what you mean! All the rest of these "squares" are so behind in the times. Moving on, Harris said that he "loves germs!" He really creeps me out! And, no surprise, the temp, once again, bathed in cologne.

The typical calls I have to deal with:

Me: Amanda speaking, how can I help you?

Caller: Hello? (said in desperation)

Me: Yes, hello! How can I help you?

Caller: Who is this?

Me: Amanda. Can I help you?

Caller: Oh....Samantha. Yeeeaaahhhhh, you called me?

Me: Nope, that wasn't me. Can I get your name and I'll find out who called you?

Caller: Oh, okay....

long pause

Me: Can I get your name?

Caller: Oh, sure, its......jasdjkaoifadfnamsdnkajsdhui (unidenitfiable)

Me: Oh, sorry! I didn't get that, could you repeat that please?

Caller: (in a louder voice) alkjdfaiofadfnj8d6q34nladnf

Me: uh....okay, and what language do you speak?

Caller: Er, jnkuish, and kjifish, and Hindi

Me: Okay, one minute please.

(sigh)

Me: Hey Jesus' (trying to sound completely normal), are you by chance booking middle eastern languages at the moment?

Jesus': Who is it?

Me: Um, okay, so I don't know if I'm pronouncing this right, but Fleegurmalteay????? (said very nervously)

Jesus': Who???

Me: Um...

Jesus': (sigh) just put them through!

Thank goodness! I have some videos of a laughing penguin to watch!! And in walks an interpreter.......

Darn it! This is gonna be fun!

Truth, Reality, Pure Non-Fiction-Spread It Like Wildfire

"and if you have something to say, you better say it to me now, cause this is what you've waited for"- Glen Hasard and Markta Irglov from the song "Say It To Me Now"

Have you ever experienced the beauty of when you say the exact thing you wanted to say, the exact moment that you wanted to say it, to the exact person that you needed to say it to? That is the honest truth in it's purest form. And may I add, ridiculously satisfying!

Don't you hope that everyone would be honest and up-front in life? This whole tip toeing around, and coming up with excuses, and lying about the facts, it is so frustrating. How about you save me and you a whole mess of trouble if you just give it to me straight. Even if the truth is hard to deal with (and let's face it, more than not it is) it's still so much better than the alternative.

Not a whole lot in life is worse than when you finally discover things that happened forever ago ended up being just a bunch of lies. Especially when it involves people that you love, it feels like an ultimate betrayal. What a fool you feel like. Going along this whole time thinking everything is one way, and a person is like this, and then in a moment that is all shattered and the truth comes barreling forward with speed and intensity. How are you to react? I mean, they deceived you, there is no way around that. They are a liar, and one that has no excuse or explanation as to their actions. I remember my mother always said that she better never hear anything about her family from anyone else first. I think I've finally gotten to the point when I can fully appreciate why. Nothing can make a person feel as stupid than when a person who is almost a stranger tells you something (a truthful fact, not junky gossip) about someone who you consider to be close, and you are completely blindsided. Especially when it is followed up by, "I'm surprised you didn't know that!" This whole situation is why SO many people have trust issues (me included.) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on....

And why is it so immensely difficult to be honest about your feelings? My roommate is going through this at the moment. She needs to have a very honest conversation with someone and the thought of this brings anxiety and fear. All these games that people play make it so hard to separate fact from fiction, reality from fantasy, true from false. Why can't people just say, "Yeah, I messed up." Or, "You made me mad." "I like you." "Listen, I gotta tell you something..." Some people, I honestly believe, cannot handle the truth (insert Jack Nicholson joke here). They'd rather operate in some fantasy like state, and constantly run from reality. These said people make it hard for those of us that want to speak truth. Because, when that moment approaches that calls for absolute honesty, and you let it pass, it is so hard to get that moment back again. Then, you are in this torment over what you should have said. Where as, if you would have just said what you felt, at least it would have been out there, off your chest.

And maybe, just maybe, if people were forced to be honest, they might stop doing such stupid things because they knew that they would have to tell the truth about it later. That could be just some mighty wishful thinking though.

A Girl Born in the Wrong Era

As pointed out recently by some of my EVER loving and EVER truthful friends (you know who you are!), I am an old soul. And I have decided, that I am okay with that. For I wish not to be a technological girl in a technological world. Or a 21st century girl. Or a....bimbo, Kardashian-watching, Facebook addict, Perez Hilton junkie, Red Bull drinking drone/girl. Because....let's face it, the world has too many of these girls already!

I would have loved to be about 16 years old in the 50's. Can you imagine how great that would be? Life seemed so good, and light, and dare I say, happy! To have a family setting just like Leave it to Beaver. To have a crush on Marlon Brando, James Dean, Rock Hudson! To see Elvis Presley live, and dance to his music every Friday night. To be scared by The Blob! To wear all those great dresses. And stay in on Thursday nights because you had to wash you hair. See Guys and Dolls or Singin in the Rain in the actual theater! To go out for burgers and chocolate malts! Be asked to "go steady". Your idols being either Lauren Bacall, Natalie Wood, Audrey Hepburn. Knowing how to cook one fantastic meal and ironing the perfect pair of trousers, along with knowing how to play piano, sing, do ballet, and sew a dress in a flash!

I also would have loved being in my 20's in the 60's. Just coming off that time where everything is so perfect and delicate and black and white. Coming into the time of color, noise, and changes. Not that I would want to be a full on hippie, but the 60's had this air of fun to them. Think of all the music festivals and concerts, and the birth of so much good music that you could have experienced! Along with new things like the surfing lifestyle, and the traveling to different parts of the world. And the new sensation of "mod".

Life is totally different now than it was then.

Hhmm, maybe if I just can figure out how to build a time machine....

I Am a Creature of Habits, Craziness, and Grit

There is a saying that if you treat life and time as bandits, that they will become just that! Always a step ahead of you, leaving remnants of themselves still warm to the touch that you feel like you are almost catching up to them, but in reality they know all the short cuts, all the best hiding places, and will keep stringing you along. So what shall one do? What can someone do who is constantly chasing after the newest and best in life, never settled, either out of fear or out of the constant need for movement, never satisfied with life? What about the person that feels like there is never enough time, or constantly longs for the past, or who for them, the future can never come fast enough? What are their options? I think a big lesson in just being is needed. Be in the moment. Life is happening now. Like that John Lennon song, "life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." Be in this time. Slow it down, relax. Experience time and life, see it all around you. Stop and take time to walk around it in. This my dear friends is the school I have recently enrolled myself into.

Life, recently, has been.....complicated, for lack of a better word. Hm, maybe I don't quite like that word, let's think about this, life has been: chaotic? pressurized? challenging? odd? different? difficult? More like ALL OF THE ABOVE. All these waves of self-awareness, and self-revelations, and self-evaluations have been coming non-stop. You know when you are on a train or a bus and you see that Emergency Stop lever, which is reassurance that if something, anything, ever happens that is unexpected, this is your out. I'm pulling the Emergency Stop in my life. Its like this train has been put on super speed, everything becoming one big blur. Along the way, some good passengers have gotten off at some stops, and some not so good passengers have gotten on, and the other way around. I feel though that now is the crucial time to stop, get everyone and everything situated, and put this train on a track with a destination.

I know I've said this before but I will say it again. I was the most stable I have ever been when I was about 18/19. In everything, financially, spiritually, emotionally, relationship wise, self wise, motivation, focus, drive. All of it. But along the way, somehow, some of these "passengers" have exited the train without even my notice. Allowing room for monstrous, ugly, forceful "passengers" to load on. It's almost as if I've been hiding in darkness all the while lying to myself that it was actually bright, and somehow I've stumbled into the light, that oh so bright, flaw showing, light.

I've discovered that I am not always the nicest person. Not nice to those that I love. Not nice to strangers. Not even nice to myself. The tongue is likened to a weapon, a sword in particular, and oh boy am I the expert swordsman! Slaying right and left, cutting you down to size in unreal time. I don't like. Okay, if I'm being honest, in a way I guess I do like this quality, for the right moments of sheer protection when I need my edge. But I don't wanna be a jerk walking down the street ramming people right in the gut with Excalibur, for absolutely no reason, or worse yet, the reason being that you smiled, or breathed wrong.

Also, light has shed upon my patterns. I always thought I was such a mystery. LIE! I am a complete book, so much that Helen Keller could read me! If Situation A happens to Amanda, she will react with Answer B. If Situation C happens, she will react with Answer D. And so forth. My short-term memory, and even my long-term memory for that fact, are seriously short circuited somewhere. I have the same problems that keep reappearing in my life, just disguised behind different clothes, different faces, different towns. And dumb ole me, keeps wondering why is all this happening? Thrown off guard every time! How is this possible? I'll tell you why. I walk around like I have everything under control, everything is figured out, so when something gets tossed my way that I cannot not immediately understand or handle, I toss it in the corner, and there is where they all start pilling up, until I've boxed myself in, prime for some kind of explosive reaction. And everything crumbles and my foundation is shifted. You'd think by now I would be smart enough to change this habit, huh? Yea, if only it was that easy.

Admittedly, I tend not to let a whole lot of people "in". It's my safety mechanism, and I'm not ready to let all those walls come down. You have to earn my trust, I will not offer it willingly. I do however wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I am happy, you will know. If I am sleepy, you will know. If I am angry, you for sure will know it. You will know all this, but most likely I will leave you in the dark as to the why behind the emotion. Is this a tease in a way? Am I a tease? Ug, I hate to even think that....but am I? Its as if I let people in just enough to want to know more and the BAM, I slam the door on them. And then when boredom sets in, I crack it open ever so slightly to see if they're still interested and then shut it again. Goodness, I am pure evil!

I also have a talent in being the biggest liar to myself. Lie: I am working on having a happy future. Truth: I am take a long swim in a half remembered past. Lie: I have NO idea how they got that idea, I didn't do anything. Truth: You know exactly what you did! You've played this exact same game for years now, preying on the same type of helpless souls. Lie: I just want to move on and forget this. Truth: I want to constantly revisit, and remember every detail.

Enough is enough. I am kicking off all these nasty "passengers", they are disturbing the peace. You are just slowing me down. I do not have room for you any longer. I know that you will not leave willingly, but that's okay, I'm not afraid of a fight. This train is not starting again until you have all gotten your sorry butts off! I know that I have played a huge part in letting you take over this train. Thinking, that without all of you, who am I? Honestly, I'm not too sure yet, but I have got to figure it out. Yes, I'm nervous, anxious, a bit scared, but I am more afraid of thinking what kind of person I will be if I allow you to all consume me. So I need to just try. And I cannot do that, I cannot move forward, while being attached to you.

So here is me letting you go. To my biting words that I have relied on so heavily, I need you to go. Sword of Excalibur, go back to your case, or rock, or wherever you came from. To my twisted, trusty patterns, I need you to go, you are no longer needed. To my same dear problems that keep recurring, I need you to leave and never come back. To my habit of being an emotional puppet master, I've cut your strings. To the countless lies that I have told myself, please exit without a word. To that inner hunter in me that feeds on those "easy prey", time for you to be put down. To my past, I do not need to see you everyday, leave. To the boy from my past, you are the hardest to see go, but I can no longer keep you with me and I need to let you go, I know that I'll never forget you, but I at least need to let myself try, so please leave.

There is space now for happiness, focus, purpose, future, dreams, desires and others like these to enter if they wish. ALL ABOARD!!!!!!

Latest Obsessions, and How I Am Getting My Groove Back

...and by "groove" I mean, general joy and happiness in life:)

Let's start with the obsessions shall we? Photography. All I want to do lately is take pictures and look at pictures. I cannot seem to get enough. Recently a documentary of Bill Cunningham, who is a very other worldly, unique, and humble fashion photographer, came out, and I want to see it!

Next, all I want to eat is dumplings. Which, alright, in all honesty is not too much of a difference for me, but I have been discovering all these new, mega cheap places that have been filled with deliciousness in the form of pork and chive filled dough! Oh man, my mouth is watering just thinking about it!

Moving on to, and I am a bit embarrassed to admit this, because I feel that sadly, I have become the person that I normally would not like, but.....I cannot NOT watch American Idol this season. Sigh, I said it. I heard the first step is admittance. I blame this obsessions completely on my roommate. But, I will admit that I do hope that Casey will win, because I would go see him live. He has the rasp and roughness in his voice that attracts me like a moth to a flame! What can I say, I'm apparently a sucker for a red headed kid with a beard and a rasp!

Other random things are: green nail polish, orange juice, my new black eye liner, summer dresses, concerts (if they would stop selling out so fast!), cross word puzzles, NERTS (card game, famous in the mid-west), Istagram (iPhone app), fish fillets from Trader Joe's, Vampire Weekend, $5 album downloads from Amazon, the library..

My other SUPER ULTRA BIG obsession has been the soundtracks to Wes Anderson movies. In particular, Rushmore, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and The Darjeeling Limited. Top favorites have been, from Rushmore, John Lennon's Oh Yoko!, The Face's Ooh La La, The Kink's Nothing In the World Can Stop Me Worrin About My Girl. From The Life Aquatic, we have David Bowie's Life on Mars? Which oddly enough I was so frightened of him when I was younger. Then, The Zombie's The Way I Feel Inside. Then the cherry on top has been the introduction to Seu Jorge, he is a Portuguese musician who apparently recorded these songs on the boat while they were filming, so you hear the ocean and sky in the background. My favorite being Rebel Rebel. Then with The Darjeeling Limited, we have The Kink's Strangers, and Joe Dassin with Les Champs-Eylsees. I tell you what, he sure can put a good soundtrack together. And I love anyone and anything that has to do with Bill Murray!