There is a saying that if you treat life and time as bandits, that they will become just that! Always a step ahead of you, leaving remnants of themselves still warm to the touch that you feel like you are almost catching up to them, but in reality they know all the short cuts, all the best hiding places, and will keep stringing you along. So what shall one do? What can someone do who is constantly chasing after the newest and best in life, never settled, either out of fear or out of the constant need for movement, never satisfied with life? What about the person that feels like there is never enough time, or constantly longs for the past, or who for them, the future can never come fast enough? What are their options? I think a big lesson in just being is needed. Be in the moment. Life is happening now. Like that John Lennon song, "life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." Be in this time. Slow it down, relax. Experience time and life, see it all around you. Stop and take time to walk around it in. This my dear friends is the school I have recently enrolled myself into.
Life, recently, has been.....complicated, for lack of a better word. Hm, maybe I don't quite like that word, let's think about this, life has been: chaotic? pressurized? challenging? odd? different? difficult? More like ALL OF THE ABOVE. All these waves of self-awareness, and self-revelations, and self-evaluations have been coming non-stop. You know when you are on a train or a bus and you see that Emergency Stop lever, which is reassurance that if something, anything, ever happens that is unexpected, this is your out. I'm pulling the Emergency Stop in my life. Its like this train has been put on super speed, everything becoming one big blur. Along the way, some good passengers have gotten off at some stops, and some not so good passengers have gotten on, and the other way around. I feel though that now is the crucial time to stop, get everyone and everything situated, and put this train on a track with a destination.
I know I've said this before but I will say it again. I was the most stable I have ever been when I was about 18/19. In everything, financially, spiritually, emotionally, relationship wise, self wise, motivation, focus, drive. All of it. But along the way, somehow, some of these "passengers" have exited the train without even my notice. Allowing room for monstrous, ugly, forceful "passengers" to load on. It's almost as if I've been hiding in darkness all the while lying to myself that it was actually bright, and somehow I've stumbled into the light, that oh so bright, flaw showing, light.
I've discovered that I am not always the nicest person. Not nice to those that I love. Not nice to strangers. Not even nice to myself. The tongue is likened to a weapon, a sword in particular, and oh boy am I the expert swordsman! Slaying right and left, cutting you down to size in unreal time. I don't like. Okay, if I'm being honest, in a way I guess I do like this quality, for the right moments of sheer protection when I need my edge. But I don't wanna be a jerk walking down the street ramming people right in the gut with Excalibur, for absolutely no reason, or worse yet, the reason being that you smiled, or breathed wrong.
Also, light has shed upon my patterns. I always thought I was such a mystery. LIE! I am a complete book, so much that Helen Keller could read me! If Situation A happens to Amanda, she will react with Answer B. If Situation C happens, she will react with Answer D. And so forth. My short-term memory, and even my long-term memory for that fact, are seriously short circuited somewhere. I have the same problems that keep reappearing in my life, just disguised behind different clothes, different faces, different towns. And dumb ole me, keeps wondering why is all this happening? Thrown off guard every time! How is this possible? I'll tell you why. I walk around like I have everything under control, everything is figured out, so when something gets tossed my way that I cannot not immediately understand or handle, I toss it in the corner, and there is where they all start pilling up, until I've boxed myself in, prime for some kind of explosive reaction. And everything crumbles and my foundation is shifted. You'd think by now I would be smart enough to change this habit, huh? Yea, if only it was that easy.
Admittedly, I tend not to let a whole lot of people "in". It's my safety mechanism, and I'm not ready to let all those walls come down. You have to earn my trust, I will not offer it willingly. I do however wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I am happy, you will know. If I am sleepy, you will know. If I am angry, you for sure will know it. You will know all this, but most likely I will leave you in the dark as to the why behind the emotion. Is this a tease in a way? Am I a tease? Ug, I hate to even think that....but am I? Its as if I let people in just enough to want to know more and the BAM, I slam the door on them. And then when boredom sets in, I crack it open ever so slightly to see if they're still interested and then shut it again. Goodness, I am pure evil!
I also have a talent in being the biggest liar to myself. Lie: I am working on having a happy future. Truth: I am take a long swim in a half remembered past. Lie: I have NO idea how they got that idea, I didn't do anything. Truth: You know exactly what you did! You've played this exact same game for years now, preying on the same type of helpless souls. Lie: I just want to move on and forget this. Truth: I want to constantly revisit, and remember every detail.
Enough is enough. I am kicking off all these nasty "passengers", they are disturbing the peace. You are just slowing me down. I do not have room for you any longer. I know that you will not leave willingly, but that's okay, I'm not afraid of a fight. This train is not starting again until you have all gotten your sorry butts off! I know that I have played a huge part in letting you take over this train. Thinking, that without all of you, who am I? Honestly, I'm not too sure yet, but I have got to figure it out. Yes, I'm nervous, anxious, a bit scared, but I am more afraid of thinking what kind of person I will be if I allow you to all consume me. So I need to just try. And I cannot do that, I cannot move forward, while being attached to you.
So here is me letting you go. To my biting words that I have relied on so heavily, I need you to go. Sword of Excalibur, go back to your case, or rock, or wherever you came from. To my twisted, trusty patterns, I need you to go, you are no longer needed. To my same dear problems that keep recurring, I need you to leave and never come back. To my habit of being an emotional puppet master, I've cut your strings. To the countless lies that I have told myself, please exit without a word. To that inner hunter in me that feeds on those "easy prey", time for you to be put down. To my past, I do not need to see you everyday, leave. To the boy from my past, you are the hardest to see go, but I can no longer keep you with me and I need to let you go, I know that I'll never forget you, but I at least need to let myself try, so please leave.
There is space now for happiness, focus, purpose, future, dreams, desires and others like these to enter if they wish. ALL ABOARD!!!!!!
I love this post.
ReplyDelete