I have been confused and frustrated with the male species. Usually, you guys are my favorite. Easy to talk to, relaxed, funny, easy to pick on and mess with, no drama. But as of late, you have become worse than a group of cackling Betty's! I think that this can all be traced back to one man in my life, my Dad.
Dad, you know I love you. But, you frustrate me. Worse yet, I'm starting to realize that I barely know you, at all. How is that possible? I have literally known you my whole life. We lived under the same roof for 21 years. We ate every meal together. We had countless conversations. You drove me to school almost every day of my life. We vacationed together. I cried to you about the goings on in my life. I have witnessed the few momentous times when you have cried over the goings on in your life. We have had some big arguments. You've seen my ugly side, and I have seen yours. But somehow, you still feel like a stranger. At one point in my life, I just accepted that you just didn't have a whole lot going on, that you were a simple man and that is how you liked it. Now, I'm getting the feeling that there is a dark, heaviness lying in you, and a scared little boy that has been locked away and topped with crippling anxiety over everything, all covered up with the front of a non confrontational, simple man who is content with life.
You are unbelievably stubborn. I know that I get that from you. You plant yourself in and will not budge. Sometimes it feels like trying to move a skyscraper. But why are you like that? You are also a big talker. You can just talk and talk and talk about all this stuff, but you never back it up with actions. Well, I guess "never" is a big word, I should say "very sparingly". Why do you do that? Do you realize that we pretty much have the same conversation every single time I call you? I don't want to talk about the weather with you for the 50th time, I live like 5 states away, the weather is the same as yours, even though it is irrelevant because you watch the Weather Channel all day anyways, so you already know. And I don't want to hear all about what everyone else is doing, what are YOU doing with YOUR life Dad? Why do you make yourself out to be older than you really are? Why do you quit as soon as something gets a little bit tough? Why do you instantly get into hermit formation when life hands you lemons? Do you want to know me at all? I feel like you are scared to get to know your family. And that you are just as frightened to let them get to know you.
Some times I wish you had more of a "heavy hand". I can remember saying things to you like you were a child or a friend, not my father. And you just took it. You didn't even get mad. I think that is part of the reason why I feel I can do that to every person, more specifically-men. I tell them just how it is and what they need to do. I can remember being 17 and you and I were talking in your office about John, and I remember saying to you "to grow some balls and be a man and just take care of it!" I should not have said that to you, but you never told me not to. Somehow I have subconsciously taken on the role of demanding every guy to bring out "the man" within them. "Be a man" and "Man up!" may be some of the most frequent things I say. As a result, I feel like I have taken on attributes that men should have and just saying "screw it! I'll just take care of it myself!", so I have a hard time respecting guys some times. I want to respect you Dad. I want to know who you are. I want to have all trust and confidence in you.
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